AJ, it's wonderful that your grandparents were so successful at it, especially during a time when there wasn't nearly as much help available. My gp's weren't nearly so, though they were M'd for over 50 years. After my gf died, my gm never showed any interest in another man. I think she enjoyed life without a man in her life, since all she knew was servitude. But you're right, every R has it's own formula for success. I suspect my gf would have said his M was great, because his W served him as he expected. My gm might not have agreed.
It does point out an interesting aspect, though. If my gm had died before my gf, my gf would have been completely lost without her. He didn't cook, do laundry, iron, shop for anything except paint and tools. My gm, on the other hand, never skipped a beat after my gf died. Granted, for the occasional need she had for a manly task, like lifting something heavy, she had 5 boys that she could call on. But otherwise day-to-day, she was fine. My gf would not have been, and his boys would not have been any help.
Likewise in my sitch, my H was very happy the early years of our M, because it was all about him. I mistakenly thought that if I invested in him that he would return the favor and invest in me. He didn't. When I stopped investing in him, "we" stopped doing things together. Overall, life with me is more beneficial to H than life with him is beneficial to me. Now he certainly wouldn't starve like my gf would have, but my loss from his life would affect him much more than his loss from mine, in a negative way that is.
I think I would describe that as the crux of the problem for the WAS. The R simply drains the life out of you. There's something that makes the R still worth it for the LBS that doesn't exist for the WAS. And the continued effort and failure at improving things is demoralizing on top of it. Eventually, it just becomes a matter of not being able to come up with a meaningful answer to, "Why am I in this M?"
Subguy, I didn't take offense to anything you said. In fact, to some degree, I would have said the same thing. H claims that he cares, but I interpret his actions, or primarily his lack thereof, just like you did (not specifically to this incident, but in general.) I do think you pegged it, though, with "She says she tried telling me, however all she did was complain and nag." I think that's my H to a tee. But for me, even your suggestion of using the words, "when you do x, y, and z it makes me feel like _____," doesn't work with H. Are you sure it would have worked with you? From what I read from Stosny, it seems like men (in their natural state) aren't receptive to anything the resembles a R discussion. At least not until life as they know it is threatened. He writes,
Quote:
"Talking about feelings, which is soothing to women, makes men physically uncomfortable," says Stosny, the Maryland-based author of You Don't Have to Take It Anymore and an expert on male aggression. "There's literally more blood flow to their muscles. They get fidgety, and women think they're not listening. A man's greatest suffering," Stosny says, "comes from the shame he feels when he doesn't measure up—which is why discussing relationship problems (i.e., what he's doing wrong) offers about as much comfort as sleeping on a bed of nails."
So, AJ, with this in mind, how in the world do we "figure it out, together?"
