You will get a lot out of the workshop, I promise. But remember to "Trust the process" b/c there are some very tough exercises at the start. But they are designed to help you discover things about life and you & b/c it's "experiential" (=not a lot of lectures)
you can't "edit" or rehearse your reactions, which leads to a lot of insights...in a safe environment,
and by the end of the workshop, you'll have some answers.
Trust that they know how to get you there, b/c they do. They are well qualified professionals and it's a well designed workshop and process.
As for what "work" you need to do NOW, I mean, work on GAL now. Overcoming inertia is THE issue...
Whether you "confront" her about texting OMs is totally separate in my opinion. Take the focus and obsession OFF of her and whether she is texting and if so, to whom and what the content is...
really, work on YOUR LIFE....besides
First, as others have told you, what's it mean to "confront" her about OM?
If she complies, great, you told her to stop doing something she already knows bothers you. "Because" you demanded she stop, she DID stop...well that would be a surprise but a good one...
but secondly, if she does not comply, then what?
What are you really ready to do IF she says "I don't want to stop" OR
"there's nothing wrong with me texting" OR
"What are you going to do about it?"
Sometimes confrontation leads to escalation and consequences you are not prepared for.
So be TOTALLY clear about your expectations of this "confronting" or if there are alternatives=
such as leaving w/the kids whenever she does this,
OR not paying the phone bill after calmly telling her you won't pay for contacting OM
I'm NOT suggesting this^^^...I'm simply giving hypothetical responses. But if you are not sure what your goal is OR what you are ready to DO in the event things go nowhere,
OR if you are not even positive there is an affair, maybe you can wait until you are.
My concern is that your focus is almost exclusively on what SHE is doing and what SHE WILL do if you do/say 'x' or 'y' and your focus ought to be on GAL and being with your kids more.
I strongly suspect she knows the texts bother you but she's either clueless about why, or she is in denial about the meaning of the texts, OR
she is pushing/daring you to DO something (do you want to be manipulated like that? Do you want your life to be a series of REACTIONS?) OR is this tit for tat b/c of your prior affair?
I don't know! All I am certain of, is you need to GAL and work on you.
What are YOUR 180s (other than "not snapping")?
IOW, What proactive steps are you taking to become the man you want to become? What does that man look like? ( I grant you that attending the Essential Experience Workshop will be a huge step)
So meanwhile...back at the ranch...what's up with your efforts to get past that inertia? Between now and February, what GAL are you going to do?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm going on an all day mountain bike ride tomorrow. I'm taking daughter to church Sunday. I filled my rink today. Took 8 hours and discovered it was less level then anticipated so that has more work. After New Years I want to committ to 2 nights a week of cards and I've thought about taking a cooking class cuz I'm a terrible cook.
The txting could be tit for tat. She knows it bothers me because back in Sept I already asked her to stop.
Thx 25 for your help. DB says to never give up even in the darkest moments. It is hard . My W also has work to do and that is out of my hands but frustrates me beyond all belief
I'm going on an all day mountain bike ride tomorrow. I'm taking daughter to church Sunday. I filled my rink today. Took 8 hours and discovered it was less level then anticipated so that has more work. After New Years I want to committ to 2 nights a week of cards and I've thought about taking a cooking class cuz I'm a terrible cook. if you read my GAL list, you know you can do A LOT MORE than this^^^ but it's a start.
Personally I believe healthy GAL mandates that you meet some NEW people, who don't know your sitch and don't remind you of it AND whom you do not need to worry about spreading gossip or rumors...
The txting could be tit for tat. She knows it bothers me because back in Sept I already asked her to stop.
WELL...then for now, why all the talk about "CONFRONTING" when you have already made your needs clear, and she ignored it. What's different NOW?
In YOU that is...
Thx 25 for your help. DB says to never give up even in the darkest moments. It is hard . My W also has work to do and that is out of my hands but frustrates me beyond all belief may I suggest that you NEVER think this^^^ way again?
You have your work and it's in "your sandbox", which has PLENTY clean up to do...
your wife's "work" is in HER sandbox, not yours. Frankly it's none of your business what she does or works on to improve herself.
STOP MEASURING...YOU'RE HERE, "WORKING" on the marriage and yourself, supposedly, but all I you posting is about her....
AND SHE IS NOT HERE!...why spend ANY time on deciding "if SHE" is doing HER work in HER sandbox? Stay in your sandbox and clean it up. Stay out of hers.
IF the time comes for you to consider a recon, THEN you can choose whether she's the woman you want.
But YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO "FIX" HER...or the ability to do so.
You're wasting time wondering about what SHE is doing, "compared" to you...but you never "compare" or measure, using the same tools SHE has...b/c as we said,
to HER, on HER scorecard, you are behind in the score or contest of who wronged whom more.
Among other things, You had an EA that meant A LOT to you
AND which you carelessly left evidence of around the home
so yes she found it...
and then you blew it off...wow...that hurts A LOT. And you resolved nothing.You learned nothing. Nothing changed so her wound festered...
Now you STILLLLL post here about how she disrespects you...then reluctantly you concede it "might be tit for tat" b/c of your past actions...ya think?
So, what I'm saying is for now, YOU have enough work to do on YOU, which is all you control anyhow, and you are Not her judge or repairman. you are her h, flawed as you are, working to become the man you want to become.
When you get there, and can honestly tell your maker, "I've done my best",
then leave the results up to God, and be at peace.
Til then -stay in your own sandbox. You don't see Idaho telling South Carolina to clean up their water and patch South Carolina's roads...
Idaho has its' own rivers & roads to maintain and South Carolina has its' own borders and jurisdiction and what we call BOUNDARIES...
respect hers. Do your work b/c that's what you are in charge of and for too long you've cast the critical eye her way. Stop that, And then we'll see...
Thx again
you're welcome...seriously...and if your name begins with an "S", then I think you're going to EE and will get a lot out of it, if you let it in.
GOOD LUCK!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sense of humour most likely. B/25 I've said this before and I KNOW there is nothing I can do about this but this is a reality. PMDD. It's not just a week . It's weeks and my W has vitamin D levels that are actually dangerous and will not address. Again I know nothing I can do but makes it difficult
Also is what I did really considered EA. talking about good old days? I wasn't asking to be with these women or meet up with them. We were talking about highschool and stuff we did and yes it was over line but is that ea ? Talking about past with ex girlfriend etc, not being stupid or naive just asking
I guess by definition yes because I was hiding from spouse and where there is smoke there is fire
Stop downplaying what you did. Please listen to 25 and stop repeating yourself.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
If your W considered it an EA and was hurt by it, it's an EA. I thought you had been through that topic again, and again, and again, which is why I was frustrated that you aren't listening. If you are, you seem to ask the same questions over and over month after month into years.
Yes, you had an EA. You developed loving thoughts for someone outside your marriage and wrote her a poem, which your W found. That is big trouble in a marriage. Huge. That is an EA. Yes.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
