ILYBINILWY

[AJM]

I disagree. I think you both care a lot. I also think you don't know how to make it work, and are both searching separately. Maybe I'm just an optimist, but I've learned to trust my instincts and strongly suspect that is the case

Of course, I don't want to use the examples on TV or depicted in romance novels, but then what? Maybe I spend too much time reading posts here where I see all the bad R's, and where the LBS is doing everything they can just to keep their WAS from leaving, including biting their tongues, not saying or doing anything that might upset them, doing 180's and 100% of the work, while having no expectations of the WAS, even being thrilled because they didn't talk D today. That doesn't sound like much of a life. Maybe I've just been reading too much of the bad side of things and need to spend some time instead on how already-healthy M'd couples interact.

I think you are very wise to not want to base a happy marriage on what you see or read. Why? Because a happy and healthy marriage are made by two people who are very unique. As such, their definition of a happy and healthy marriage are also unique. If you look for it, you'll find all kinds of negativity surrounding marriage and the opposite sex. A board like this is full of that pain and anguish of relationships broken. Disillusionment. Crazy and otherwise. The media is as well. It makes good sales to read about it, it seems

So, the question remains how to get that healthy and happy marriage, right?

A couple of things to think about while working on that.

Many couples find that years after being unhappy with their spouses they are later happy with them. That seems to be about 5 years if they stick together. That implies that there is some growth going on with one or both spouses. That makes sense to me, because it means they didn't give up and kept searching, sometimes separately but always together, for a resolution they could both live with. And they found it.

But they didn't find it easily or overnight. They committed to each other to stick it out through thick and thin and they did.

My grandparents are a good example of that. During their mid-lives, they had some rough times. At one point, my grandmother was going to leave for another man. Had it all planned out. Before she did, the stress got to her (the stress of leaving; she was conflicted) and ended up a bit nutz. She ended up in a brief stay at a local ward. Took her about a week of the silence to figure it out. But the damage was done to my grandfather and he needed time to figure things out as well. Both of them were very good looking and it would have been easy to walk away for either of them. They got it figured out and loved each other dearly. They were married for 74 years until my grandfather died. They were very close the latter part of their years. Very.

My suggestion? Figure it out. Together. That's the best bet for the happiness you seem to be searching for. There is no quick fix and there is no yesterday. Only now and the future.

Being authentically you is important. You don't know how to be anyone else nearly as well anyway. But there are gray areas to be dealt with. There is change - it's the only constant in life.


Peace,

AJ