Walking the path to my own happiness

[mamabird]

You know, it would be great if we had a section on the forum called "Detachment". It's such a difficult concept to get but so necessary for our success. I've been looking for a new home on these boards but none of the other sections seem to fit my sitch really...

I woke up this morning thinking about happiness. I wasn't feeling happy per se, just thinking about the concept. It's different from joy, which I think comes in bursts - something funny on TV, the kids clowning around, a baby, whatever. But I think everyone has a low-level hum, or a background light going on in their head at all times. I want mine to be bright and shiny, white and luminescent, supportive, positive. I have been walking around with a dull grey hue in my brain for years and it felt like an anchor. Like there was a layer of grime on me that I needed to shake off. At times it was more than grey, it was black, and I need to turn it back to white now. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. Sometimes when I used to meditate I would "breathe out black smoke, breathe in white air."

So, my H and I are not speaking much now. It's very sad. The one thing that lets me be ok with it is that it's pretty much the DB ideal: no contact. So I haven't pushed it or tried; I have decided to let that be what it is for the time being. Bills, boys, logistics and that's about it.