H came over today and announced he was reneging on his recent promise to pay half of the kids' school book orders for next year (totalling $700).
I'd asked him a week ago if he was OK to pay half (via email) and he'd agreed, so I'd put the total on my credit cards after shifting cash onto them (they're maxxed out by him). I cannot afford to cover food and bills for us at the best of times, so $700 is a big deal for me.
When he came over on Xmas Eve, he apologised for being slow in sending the payment and said he'd go straight to his computer and transfer the money. It never appeared.
Then today (28th) he said he was not going to pay. It escalated rapidly into a huge argument. He kept going back to my 'abuse' of OW when she showed up at my daughter's school concert about 3 months ago
He told the kids he would no longer be coming over to our house and referred them to an email he had sent them.
Below is what he wrote to the kids.
By way of background, I should say that H and I have not argued etc for months as I am successfully detaching and acting as if, accepting what he has to say, etc. Note too, that NY, for us, is the other side of the world and most expensive to travel to - especially for someone who is struggling for financial survival.
What do you guys think? I really need some outside perspectives on this one.
Hi Kids,
I am sorry that you don't want to spend more time with me but I understand how unhappy I have made you both. I am very sorry that I am putting you through this but I want you to know how much I love you and that I will do everything I can to support you always. I also want you to know that your mother and I were very very unhappy together and since we are separated we have a better understanding of what is important to us. The most important thing to both of us is you.
I am still trying to negotiate with your mother about how things will proceed from here and I am finding this negotiation very difficult. What happens between your mother and I from now on shouldn't involve you and I'd like to keep it that way. I don't want the problems that I am having with your mother to make things bad between you and me. It is very difficult for me to visit you at home due to the circumstances between your mother and I. I would really appreciate it if you could find some time to spend with me but I understand entirely if you don't want to. We don't have to come to my place - we can just go out for a pizza or the beach (once again - I understand if you choose not to). I miss you terribly and want to see you every day but it seems that you are too busy (which I understand).
One thing I would request is that you acknowledge my letters and text messages. I worry about you. If you would prefer I don't contact you I would understand (I will always love you no matter what) and you should tell me so that I don't cause you any more hurt than I already have.
Just so you know whats happening with me - I visit Grandfather most weeks (so if you want to come with me let me know). I am working from around 1am in the mornings till 2 in the afternoons then going to pick you up from school. Weekends are mostly spent working but also spent visiting my Mum, Dad, and (Aunt's name). I would love it if you where to come over for homework or just a visit (address of OW’s house). Work is OK and I may need to go to New York at some stage next year to progress things there. If I do would you like to come for a while during school holidays? I usually go sailing on Wednesdays or Fridays with some friends at the yacht squadron and I would love you to come (but you need to give me some warning).
I wanted to write to you to tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am about what you are going through. I know it must be terribly hard for you to understand why your mother and I are no longer together. I am sure that one day you will understand - and you will realise it has nothing to do with OW.
Please call me when you can (or write). I love you
You should ignore his new York comment. That is along way away and chance of your kids agreeing are slim.
Your h is realizing the pain he is causing to his kids and the pain he is inflicting on himself by not seeing his kids. You need to keep your side of the street clean.
You should encourage your kids to spend time with their dad. You should encourage them to feel like this is not the end of the world.
You need a legal document that breakdowns his financial duties. Until their is a legal document he will continue to pick fights with you regarding money.
Please know that he is treating you like shiiit. Blaming you for everything. Not taking any responsibility for his behavior. But I believe now is the time to use all you db strength and be the saint. Read some pema choldron.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
It read to me like he's looking for the kids' permission to disappear from their lives. This whole "I understand if you don't want to" blah blah is like up-selling at a fast food restaurant.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
NWL...My H could have written this letter! In fact, my H did write a letter to my kids when he left and said some of the same things...that he will always love them, that its not OW that caused this, that we (he and I ) are better off apart, that he understands if they dont want to see him all the time, that he hopes they will make time for him, etc etc etc...also H added in that they will be happier since he and I were fighting all the time. Well....we NEVER were fighting until OW showed up in the picture and he was meeting with her and texting with her all the time. That was when we would argue and he would act in anger towards me in front of the kids.
Im sorry that he had decided to not pay for the school stuff. I know how hard it is financially to do this..Im going through it too. My H refused to pay stuff as well and then he ended up doing it..so maybe yours will change his mind when he realizes he is hurting his own kids. Mine has a lot of guilt when it comes to the kids so right now, that is all he is doing is bribing them with money all the time. It makes me sick.
And really, what happens between you and your H DOES involved your kids...the decisions you make together involve them and directly affect them. Im not saying they need to be in the middle of the convos you both have...but it does involve them.
Instead of "understanding if they dont want to do this...." maybe he should be trying more to understand what they do want to do....this goes for my H as well. UGGGG...what happened to these once good men?? It just sickens me ....especially that these poor kids have to go through this crap...
Thinking of you...
SB
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Your H's letter shows he feel ashamed and is protecting himself in case the kids don't contact him ("I know...blah blah.) He's definitely not taking responsibility for his actions. Sorry, NLW.
I agree that you need a legal document so these arguments don't happen anymore. Have you retained a lawyer?
Hi NLW, I agree that the letter reveals a lot of guilt and shame...also a lot of confusion and uncertainty i would guess. Confusion about his R with his kids and how to lead that. He is uncertain how to approach it.
He still blames you of rate past and current 'problems', and is trying to make himself look like the nice guy, a guy just trying to keep the peace.
It seems he still has a lot of reality to wake up to.
I would encourage your kids to spend time with H, and support them as much as possible without getting too involved in the R between them and their dad (unless you have to of course). Everything is still so new and raw. But your H definitely does NOT have a clue how to navigate. You do.
Thinking of you NLW (((((( ))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Bklyn, gwn, Sb, tori, busting, Thanks so much for your responses.
The more I read H's letter, the more I think he sounds like a really good guy and it must be me that's the problem.
Hearing your take on it helps me keep some perspective.
In the meantime, H has had a really big blow-out and is doing things that make me think he has really lost it. I will start a new thread to update as this is getting very long.
Thanks again for your help... without this support, I'd be in dire straits at the moment.
