Thanks for the Christmas wishes! Acc...thanks for the advice, and yes, keeping all texts just in case! Funny, he never wants to text or talk, but when he is crying, he chooses me to text and tell...when he is feeling suicidal, its me he chooses to text and tell...ugg...Just think he wanted to get in my head last night...knowing I was up wrapping and getting things ready for my kids. I do think he was unhappy though....probably thinking of how things used to me and are no longer...your choice buddy!
Anyway...my day was AWESOME and BEAUTIFUL and there were NO TEARS all day!!! I was so happy! We had a wonderful Christmas morning and the girls loved all their gifts. I made a wonderful breakfast for us and we really enjoyed ourselves and laughed a lot. Honestly, and this is totally being honest, I did not think of H one time during present opening...I guess because they were all from me and I didnt have any connection with him when he came to that part. I did think of him a couple random times throughout the day...but that was it. He texted the girls and wished them Merry Christmas and mentioned he was at work because he didnt want to sit around his parents house all day...whatever.
We spent the afternoon and early evening at my grandmothers house and enjoyed the time with my family! Tomorrow we head to my moms house and my bro is coming into town with his crew...so lots of Christmas time!! I took pictures (which I have lacked in doing since H left) and just had a nice day.
I have to say...I came home tonight and said to myself...I can do this...and I am doing this! This new year that is around the corner must hold something good for me in it..because 2012 was awful in more than just H leaving...sooo..I can only hope and pray that good will come of 2013. Of course, my little man will be arriving in the first week of March and that will be wonderful!
I still cant understand H and maybe I never will. He can text me when he is down and crying, but today, I hear nothing...no Merry wihes at all. Weird, but it is what it is...he has a trip to Mexico to get ready for and I bet he wont be crying and thinking suicide when he is there. I wish I could help him....but am focusing on helping myself right now.
I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas regardless of what your sitch is. I know it was hard, but we got through and that is all we could ask for this year, right?
SB
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Merry Christmas SB. I can't wait to meet you in person. I'm swamped and just trying to keep my head above water, but then you have so much more to deal with. Sorry to hear what a confused mess your H is.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
My H is a mess! That is for sure. Which brings me to the question....why would he text ME on Christmas Eve with his sob story and not OW, who is supposed to be giving him all the support he needs right now? Also, another question...if this is what he chose and he wants to think its the best choice, than why does he not "act" like he is great when he is around me or text me? I would think that he would act like he is doing wonderful to prove that his choice was the best one?
I know that I am doing that...whenver he texts or comes around, Im all smiles, and I dont lead on at all that it pains me just a tad to see him face to face.
H mentioned to D that the "firsts" are always the worst..so maybe he is writing off his sadness this year on it being the "first" winter, Christmas, etc.. I have to say, that although the firsts are hard, I dont know that he will ever be happy if he doesnt get himself some help. Im truely concerned about his emotional state. Is is normal for the WAS to become MORE depressed than when he left??
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Hi SB - you're looking for rationality where it doesn't exist. It seems to me like your H went a little crazy, he's had a significant personality change, and may be acting out of a depressed state. He's added more chaos to his life, he looks like a d-bag for leaving a pregnant wife, and he's treating his teenage daughter like a drinking buddy to confide in. He is not rational. Protect yourself, protect your daughters.
You can't control him, his moods, how he feels, or whether he gets help. You just can't. Take care of you and be someone he'd want to come back to. He may never, and if he did you may not want him, but it never hurts to be someone good.
It is nice of you to be concerned about his emotional state. You have a lot of compassion. You can care, and you can even let him know you care, I think, but you can't do anything about or for him right now.
You're all smiles and acting as if, because you read the book and have this site. He doesn't. What you're doing is for you and it will help you, and it might help your cause with him. It's worth doing, but it's not worth comparing to what he's doing or not doing.
I sent you an email. You around today?
((hugs)) adinva
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I got to tell you that I am hugely impressed to read how you are coping in a tough (to say the least) situation. You are fantastic, and you are doing more than great! So inspirational. Don't forget it. I feel ashamed of all the self pity I felt a couple of years ago when my marriage was going south.
I only want to repeat what others have said - you have to be very firm with your husband regarding what he can talk about with the girls. It is absolutely unacceptable. And you have to do it now. They are the ones who suffer the most from this sitch, so they do not need additional pressure.
About comparing to the OW - this is ridiculous. There is no way a woman willing to be in a relationship with a man who just abandoned his pregnant wife and 2 kids is better than you.
Merry Christmas and 2013 will surely be a lot better than 2012
H leaves for his Mexico trip today. He came by yesterday and took D14 to lunch...I almost didnt let her go, as I am still concerned about his emotional well being and the way he speaks to her. They were only gone 1 hour and she said it was a decent lunch. He still complained about work and not having a say in the new baby's name but other than that, was pleasant. He mentioned how excited he was for his trip and seeing his cousins for the week.
How do you go from suicide threats just a few days ago to being totally excited for a trip? I guess the trip will be a temporary fix to his problems...something to look forward to! In the meantime Im sad. I guess Im feeling sorry for myself yesterday and today that he gets to go on a leisurely vaca and Im at home being a responsible adult all the time. I wouldnt change it for the world, but sometimes I just get so darn emotional because I miss my family so much. I look into my kids eyes and realize how hurt they really are and how much they are trying to navigate through all this as well. H sees nothing but stuff for himself.
I was doing so well and did so well through Christmas and then yesterday, BAM it hit me again that he isnt a part of us anymore. He isnt a part of this life that we lead and he knows nothing about what we do anymore.
Im starting to get scared about the new baby coming...nothing is done...and I know its going to be hard being a single parent to a newborn. H was so much help when my Ds were born..he did everything. I just dont know how he can step away and think that its all okay. Im also starting to worry because I dont know where my life will head this year. He wants to sell our house and this is my home and the kids home. I also need a full time job starting in Sept..one with benefits for myself (he will continue to insure the kids) and with some kind of retirement plan. These were all things that I never had to think of before. It was always going to be H and I. I havent worked full time in 15 years and I have to put my baby in daycare, which I didnt have to do with my girls.
Im just feeling sad today again...and needed to write. My girls and I are going to register at the local store for all the baby stuff today. Usually that would be so fun and I would be looking forward to it, but I feel like I have a black cloud over me today. My girls are at sleepovers from last night and I just dont know how H does it. One night they are gone and I miss them...how can he not see them any night and be okay with that. He hasnt spent one whole evening with them in 5 months..just so sad....
I hope my day gets better...maybe I will go lay back down. Was supposed to get my 3 hour lab test done this morning and when I got there they told me that there was a long wait to just get started so it would be over 4 hours....I made an appt for Monday and left...who knew you had to make an appt for these things...the labs have always been walk in. Anyway, Maybe Im just lacking TLC and since my pregnancy is progressing, Im more tired and run down, causing my extra emotions....who knows...
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
SB, wish I was closer but it is a bit of a drive. All your emotions are valid, but you've rocked this part of your life, so I think you can handle a newborn! Your Ds are old enough to be a big help and if you open up, I think out be surprised at how many people would be willing to help.
I was a sahm too, so I understand the bitterness at having to put the baby in daycare. ((()))
I really hope Montezuma's revenge hits him hard in Mexico.
I'm not going to try to cheer you up right now, because you have to feel it to release it, you can't gloss it over.
It's unfair and it stinks, and it's going to be hard.
You probably were holding stuff in for the holidays and didn't even know it. Wallow a little bit and see how you feel later.
((((SB))))
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thanks Ruby, Ad and Busting for inquiring about me and supporting me!
Today has been awful. Im scared that Im falling back into a deep depression..not sure. I have NO motivation to do anything, I just wanna sleep and I am so hopeless about any kind of R with H. I read this morning a bunch of articles on affairs on the internet and one I read said that when the affair is a complete romantic affair when the couple falls in love, then usually the M is over. That is what my H is in...a complete lala love land...and he is very emotionally attached to her...makes me wanna give up some days.
I have been having tons of flashbacks today too of things that H said to me months ago when he first left..mean things...and I just keep replaying them in my head. Basically, beating myself up. Maybe Ad is right..maybe it is an after holiday thing since I did so well during the days of Christmas and Christmas Eve and such..who knows.
Its coming up on 5 months since H has been gone...I never thought he would stay gone. I was in denial and thought that he would realize all that he is losing and come back and try by now. Boy, was I wrong. I think the crying he has been doing and the texts of sadness gave me false hope that he was unhappy....but nothing has changed in his path. I think just some days, reality hits that I will not have my family again..that things will never be the same and that breaks my heart into a million pieces. As I have said before, its soul destroying. All that we put into our family and home and marriage and poof! Gone...and Im left to pick up the pieces while he is living with next to no responsibility. It makes me sick.
I have tried and tried to stay strong and think I have done a pretty decent job of doing so. I have remained strong for my girls and my baby...I have made the choices I have needed to make to better myself and keep consistancy at home and then these past 2 days I feel like I'm back to square one.
I do know that H is NOT in Mexico with OW...so I dont know why the trip has affected me so much. I guess because I feel like he doesn't deserve a fun vacation.
I really am scared about me becoming depressed even more than I am. I cannot take any meds for another 9 weeks...so I have to hold out until the baby is born. I just cannot see any light lately....H had made NO EFFORT to even talk to me except a few texts when he needs something or about the kids. ITs hard to believe that he doesnt miss me after all these years...its killing me to not be able to talk with him...how can he walk away so damn easy, I will never know.
I know that he is in a deep depression for sure. I have helped get him through many depressive states in our marriage..but none have been this big and bad. I want to believe that he started his A because he was so depressed and lost...but maybe he really wasnt in love with me anymore?? I looked back at pictures of us from last year at New Years and my SILs bday party and there are TONS of pics of us together...him hugging me...us smiling..HIM smiling...he looked happy. I remember New Years Eve and how happy and fun he was...and even Valentines day....he came home with a nice gift for me..the "key to his heart" for my pandora bracelet...only to find out the following month (March) he had met OW...I just dont get it...
Anyway, enough of my sob story...I just know that I can get on here and write and not hold back my sadness. My family is great support but they continue to tell me that Im better off without him and to stop obsessing with him and OW. Its just so darn hard...I miss my happy life...my family....and the good times that we shared together...why doesnt he remember them???
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
