Good for you for buying the ticket. Go and have the best Christmas you can. You deserve it.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
I have some things coming up this weekend that is starting to cause anxiety for me.
I guess to start. I'm not a "shoot from the hip girl". My whole career is about foresight.. seeing potential problems and outcomes and having gameplans for everything.
It makes me d@mn good at my job.. it sometimes makes me a stressball in life. I'm learning how to let go and just roll with the punches but when you have spent so much time living in fear, you become avoidant vs. confident.
Anyway. I think it's going to be a challenging weekend. Here's why.
Friday: I've been invited to a birthday party this evening. X was invited as well. I am not fearful that she will be there. It would be highly unlikely as this guy was technically my friend. Seriously, if she came... I would almost guarantee this would be to see if I came.
.. but it will be the first time that I will be spending quality time with old friends. I still kept some of my old friends from when I was married.. but I have created ALOT of new friendships...
I don't believe I have distanced myself purposefully.. only that life has distanced us.
I'm not worried about the questions or whatever.. I've always spoken highly/kindly of x....
... but I am worried about the pain. The awkwardness of dipping back into an old life.
Saturday: I'm officially a bridesmaid! First time ever.. and tomorrow we are looking for dresses. That's one's pretty self explanatory.
Sunday: My 2nd annual fundraiser. I started this fundraiser last year as a GAL activity for the holidays. My x asked to be involved last year - but backed out. (She introduced me to the organization and us adopting a family was probably one of our most joyous memories together).
It's not so much that I will be reminded of that memory.. it's actually more that I struggle with the NC part of it. We've already hit 30 kids and more donations are coming in.
There is a part of me that would love to call her and say "I wanted to share this with you.. and say thanks for planting a seed in me for this.. look at what that seed has become".
But I'm not ready yet.. not detached enough.
Sometimes I wonder though if we continue this dance because that is how x's are suppose to dance with one another.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just do it.. and deal with the consequences later.. lol.
But I've grown a little bit.. and as much this hurts.. I continue to hope the NC is best for my personal healing.
So that's what I'm worried about. I'm still gonna do it all and GAL my weekend. My mindset/plan of attack is simple.....
... sometimes.. it's not all about me! And I need to keep that in the foreground of my mind.
This weekend is about people I love... no matter if they are old friends or new friends.. or organizations.
Plus someone that I am interested in is coming to the fundraiser... and I have bought a fantastic outfit to dress to impress.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Friday night was good. I saw alot of OLD friends including the couple that my xw and I spent the most time with. It was good to see them.
I talked about my new life. They commented on my looks and personality. It's still weird to be the "hot" woman in the room. Now I'm also the one who can kick a$$ (I guess all the insanity workouts are starting to show)!
No pretending on my end. I'm not sure I've made it... but I'm certainly not faking it. And the GAL and 180's have been amazing. I said I feel like a new person, they agreed and were ecstatic for me.
Saturday went well. It was clear that I was the bridesmaid that's "done this before". Alot of "how did you know" questions.
I was surprised how painless it was. I shouldn't be. I prayed almost the whole hour drive there.
Btw - I told my friend that when she found HER dress that she would know.. that she would be silenced by her emotions and would cry......
... funny... she did just that.
Sunday was fun. Alot of interesting things happened.
In short.. the fundraiser is now officially bigger than I can handle by myself. I'm not going to lie, it caused some stress but my friends stepped up.
And it was awesome introducing my film friends to my basketball friends to my lesbian friends to my DB friends. Soo many personalities. It was great!
I learned a ton. Things I want to change for next year. Oh.. growing pains... how do I enjoy that they are part of my everyday life.
The girl that I've been interested in came... and I had an epiphany there too.
I'm not going to settle. It would be an uphill battle and although I am thoroughly enjoying the new feelings... I'm gonna wait until for someone who has the same "moral" code that I do.
Dropped off the gifts from the fundraiser today. 35 children was the final count! The organization was super appreciative and we talked about how I could get more involved.
I went with my co-host and we had our picture taken together.. She posted in on FB and my xw liked the photo.
It IS the first picture/status that she has liked that included me. I am a little surprised....
.. but don't worry folks. No rollercoaster for me. My xw should like the status. It was a great day and she did play a part of the seed planting.
If I can't thank her now, at least she got to see how it's grown over the past couple of years.
Leaving for home tomorrow. I'm gonna freeze to death.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I guess this is a journal/vent/advice seeking post.. lol.
I feel like I've grown leaps and bounds since my BD in 2010. Most of in the form of breaking negative thinking, codependency behaviors, and breaking the victim triangle.
When I go home.. it all comes back in my face.
In short - my family doesn't know how to express their feelings in a non passive agressive way. When they are upset, they attack. When you express, they take the victim stance.
My nephew had his sweet 16 party which unfortunately was the same night as another party with more popular kids. Only 8 kids came.
My nephew has been abandoned by his father, has a psycho g/f, and always wants to be liked. He was crushed. He was quiet and struggling to have a good time...
.. and somehow my family makes it all about THEM.. saying he was ruining the party for everyone???
My heart just broke for him. I said if he wanted to sit and do nothing that was ok. Him and I have gotten really close over the past year and a half.
My other nephew is slightly overweight.. and he's on a diet.. My mom goes above and beyond to buy him healthier foods. My sister has healthy options but says that he also needs to learn to make good choices. (she has 4 other kids so..)
Last night - he did well with his meal.. but I saw him sneaking cookies.
.. and that just brought me back to my x. All her life struggling with diets and stuff. We didn't keep cookies and such in the house - but still she found way to sneak food.
And between the two things - it just sent my mom on a rampage that continued to this morning. Telling me how no one loves her, how i supported x but not nephew, and how i'm like my dad.
I just kept my mouth shut with tears running down my cheeks.....
and what I really really hate about this whole thing.. is NOT how sh!tty she made me feel.. but how much I wanted to call x.
Not to talk about my mom, but my nephew.. and how I can support him.. because I don't know if I supported her well whilst she was struggling with weight.
She would join gym memberships and not go - I never made her feel guilty.
Certain foods would tempt her and I wouldn't have them in the house - no matter how much I liked them.
Whatever she tried - I supported.. from kickboxing to running to OA
When she started dropping clothing sizes - we would celebrate and go shopping.
Up until last night - I truly thought that I supported my wife well with her eating disorder.. but my mom made me think differently.....
.. to the point where I almost broke NC to ask her and get her advice. A NC that I didn't initiate.
How stupid?? Me reaching out to a woman who wants nothing to do with me?? She's not mean about it.. she's just moved on.
I can't imagine being one of the people on here who was with their spouse for 20-30 years. I'm having a hard enough time after only 8.
I actually had to call my friend to stop me from placing the call. Reminding me that unless it's an emergency, I should never contact x.
Lord help me get through these next 3 wks. I know I have changed.. but man.. this is hard.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
At the risk of seeming like an ass, you’ll have that. I think the important thing is recognizing the behaviors and staying out of the fray. Don’t be too hard on the people there as they haven’t made the opportunity to grow like you have. Knowledge is power. You are equipped to handle this situation. I know no one wants to have to. You can do this.
I think we can all relate to what you are experiencing. I see guilt and passive aggressive behaviors pretty much every time family gathers. Most of them don’t even recognize these as such.
Your X’s struggles are hers. Of course you would support her better now than then, for you are a human being capable of growth and grow you have.
Victims need rescuers and persecutors. I see quite a bit of these dynamics in some of my family members. Refusing to participate means I have more alone time to work on me. It is something I lament, but there is always GAL and new friends.
Oh and you are about to freeze to death.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
i just saw your post, val. sorry, i forget that you moved forums.
i can see how your interaction with mom triggered lots of feelings about x and opened up some questions that you still have about the relationship. i wondered though if there is more coming up underneath the stuff about your M and your nephew.... that conversation w/ your mom sounded brutal...i know your big heart and your tendency is to care about everyone else... but i am wondering how you are feeling and taking care of you.
Thanks JS. You're right. Part of that bickering is just.. families being families.
And you are also right that I shouldn't hold them to the same expectations. Expectations are such a killer. I'm getting better at not having them.. but it still hard.
NG - Thanks for checking in. How am I feeling?
To be honest - I'm emotionally exhausted. I love my family but we come with alot of baggage (what family doesn't.. ) and can be very toxic.
It's been difficult handling the victim triangle, my mother's sickness, my sister's business development, abandonment issues from my nieces and nephews not to mention my own emotional struggles this holiday season.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE spending time with them. Watching their bball games, playing black ops, going shopping, etc... but when I decided to live by the code that feelings are valid and ones actions do not dictate my own... I made myself completely responsible for ME.....
...meaning that there is never a good excuse to yell back, or express anger, or not listen to what they have to say.....
... and well... sometimes.... that just wears me out.
And to be honest - I'm not really sure how I'm taking care of myself. I very much feel that I'm in the tough love phase of things. There are all these negative traits that came from my childhood that I brought into my marriage. Working on these things... isn't warm and fuzzy.
There are alot of things I want to do...that I can't do yet.. because I'm not emotionally healthy enough.....
I hope you don't think I'm complaining... I'm not. I like the changes I've made in myself and even though giving myself tough love sukks... it's not as bad as if I didn't change at all.
Maybe I just need to get back to LA, back to work, back to my workout routine..
I guess I can sum up this whole rambling sessions like this....
The old Val wants to have and project negative reactions to what's happening but is being stopped by the New Val. The reactions end up either being neutral or positive but the feelings that are causing the "want" for the negative reaction are still there......
... and I don't know how to make them go away?
Does that make sense?
Thanks for checking in.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
