My wife wants to separate

[SM34]

GH31 where are you? Need some guidance. My W and I just kind of had a R talk but not in the sense that I am confronting or pursuing her. She wants to trade her car in for one that is more fuel efficient because now it seems the OM will not be moving to our town any time soon (no shock there! I told her it was BS when she first mentioned that). So when I told her I would help her with finding a car, but that I thought it should be OM now that she is his woman. Then I'm not sure why, but I said to her that make sure you and OM and your best friend (who happens to be OM's sister in law) are not talking s%i$ about me when you guys are together. I said I hope you would not allow those people to talk negatievly about me. Anyway, she says no, on the contrary. She claims her friend has messaged her to say that she feels sorry for me having to take care of our baby while W is staying the night with OM. Now what is strange was that when I went through her messages on her phone, I thought the W had said that, and her friend replied that your husband wouldnt need to do that if he had taken care of his marriage when he had the chance! Now, I am confused and wondering if I was reading it wrong and it was the other person saying it. So now I'm not sure who said they feel bad for me, and who thought I deserved it (between my W and I). Maybe my wife is leing.

Anyway, because I know that her best friend didn't counsel my W in the correct manner the very first day when my W was on the fence about OM and had not initiated a PA yet, I told her I thought it was ridiculous that her friend just validated her feelings that day instead of recommending counseling. i told her things may have been different because since then, I have learned a lot about myself and why I did not catch on to your issues with our R. i told her MIL is right when she tells you that you should have listened to the people who know about long term R like ours, and not your friends who are single or married just 4 years. The W seemed to be contemplating to herself how that might be true and then started tearing up a little.

So not sure if that means anything. I know not to look for signs so early because she really is still hurting from our R and not seeing any positives. She also accused me of not fighting for her when she told me about OM!! I told her calmly that that was insulting because I told you I was willing to go to counseling or do whatever I needed to do to save our marriage, but you were the one who didn't want that. Then she said but since then, I don't feel like this bothers you that much. I feel like that validates my feeling that we are just good friends but not lovers. I told her I needed to separate myself a little bit from what she is doing with OM in order to be able to live with W and D in the same house. I had not choice but to live with your decision. I also told her that she has made her decision and that I support her, and I am glad she is happy now. But also that she should know how I really feel from the state I was in the day of the bomb (to kind of leave the door cracked a little).

Any thoughts on this situation? Did I handle it well? What should I have done differently?

[MrBond]

What I gave you was constructive advice. What YOU are looking for is a step by step guide on what to do. That's okay, that's what guys do. But there isn't a guide. Your actions will be determined through how well you understand your situation and the circumstances.

Think of it like going to war. You don't go to war without understanding your enemy first. Once you understand their motivation, you will know how to counter.

You say it's arrogant negativity. Well it's not. It's called experience.

You did read DR correct?

[MrBond]

"Need some guidance."

That's what we're here for.

"So when I told her I would help her with finding a car, but that I thought it should be OM now that she is his woman."

Comments like this are seething with anger and resentment. If your W feels that from you, then she's going to stay away from you.

"Then I'm not sure why, but I said to her that make sure you and OM and your best friend (who happens to be OM's sister in law) are not talking s%i$ about me when you guys are together. I said I hope you would not allow those people to talk negatievly about me."

You can't control her or even demand that she act a certain way. The key is that she has to WANT to be nice to you. Forget about what her friends and others are saying to her. Concentrate on just your W and her feelings. People are going to sway her every which way. Just validate her feelings. You did read DR right?

"Anyway, she says no, on the contrary. She claims her friend has messaged her to say that she feels sorry for me having to take care of our baby while W is staying the night with OM. Now what is strange was that when I went through her messages on her phone, I thought the W had said that, and her friend replied that your husband wouldnt need to do that if he had taken care of his marriage when he had the chance! Now, I am confused and wondering if I was reading it wrong and it was the other person saying it. So now I'm not sure who said they feel bad for me, and who thought I deserved it (between my W and I). Maybe my wife is leing."

You keep saying stuff like this to yourself and you'll drive yourself nuts. Calm down and concentrate on HER. Again, forget about what her friends say.

"I told her I thought it was ridiculous that her friend just validated her feelings that day instead of recommending counseling."

That's where you're wrong. She's justified to feel how she does just as much as you do. It may not coincide with what you think or believe, but it doesn't matter what YOU think. It's real to her and she chose the OM over you. What were the issues that she had about you?

"i told her MIL is right when she tells you that you should have listened to the people who know about long term R like ours, and not your friends who are single or married just 4 years. The W seemed to be contemplating to herself how that might be true and then started tearing up a little."

You won't be able to "lecture" her back. When you talk like that it's like a father talking to a daughter. Not a H to a W. You're not respecting her POV.

"She also accused me of not fighting for her when she told me about OM!!"

Most cheaters say this. Don't take it seriously.

"I feel like that validates my feeling that we are just good friends but not lovers."

She doesn't consider you her lover.

"I had not choice but to live with your decision."

But you DO have a choice. YOUR choice is to live your life as YOU see fit.

"I also told her that she has made her decision and that I support her, and I am glad she is happy now."

Don't ever say that. It's okay to say that you understand how she feels, but never agree that she was okay to have an A. Condone the spirit, not the action.

[SM34]

The interesting thing is that she doesn't even feel like she actually cheated. When I said the word affair somewhere in the combo, she said nicely and calmly that it was not technically an affair because there was no sex until she told me about him.

[SM34]

MrBond yes I have read DB and DR. But I am about to.read DR again but this time taking notes of important points.

My W and I are very close and get along really well. If you read my ditch you.will.see that the problems arise from us having met so early.in life. For me that is not. Issue because I am sure I have found the person for me. For her, she has had a feeling that perhaps there is someone else who is mr perfect, thus feeling comes and goes. I am a very loving and respectful husband who has never treated my wife anything less like a queen and she knows it and so do her friends and family.

Our recent issue that has led to this is emotional and sexual neglect. I got my partner out of my business and I now run two retail business locations. I did not learn to deal with the stress so I became a wreck sometimes and my sex drive plummeted. She pointed it outout to me a few times but now I realize I interpreted it as nagging when I should have taken it to heart.

She believes she was sex starved although we had sex steady once a week. Also now she is on AD so she is not able to orgasm at all with OM so it seems it is more if an emotional thing rather than a sexual thing that bothered her about our relationship.

Anyway, you are right. I need help to get a better understanding of how I should approach certain situations. We still live together and spend a lot of time together and I have been able to be fun and positive, so well that she now thinks I don't really care that she is leaving. But I know she knows I love her dearly, it's just part if the script as you said.

I would like to type out a few questions or situations that may come up, and you and other veterans can give me pointers on how to handle them. I believe once I read those pointers I can then see what my position should be, and therefore be better able to handle unscripted situations.

If it's alright with you, I will start to compile a list in my next comment.

Thank you for your help! I now have two veterans on my thread! Love it and appreciate it guys!

[MrBond]

How often do you think you should be having sex? Have you ever asked your W?

"We still live together and spend a lot of time together and I have been able to be fun and positive, so well that she now thinks I don't really care that she is leaving."

Did she tell you this? If she ever brings this up again, tell her point blank that you are not interested in sharing her with other men. That you are her H and that what she did was wrong, but you understand what lead her to this point and am doing things to correct that.

"but But I know she knows I love her dearly, it's just part if the script as you said."

No it's not all script. The WAY you communicate that love now and in the past matters. Maybe your W needed physical love to feel validated. Then when the OM came along, he fulfilled her need of being someone special, etc.

[Aventinus]

No, she feels YOU actually cheated by neglecting her all that time, and she did not have a choice . In a way you are both right.

[SM34]

Yes I think she was trying to compensate for lack of emotional fulfillment with more sex. She wanted sex every day it every otherness at leading, and even her therapist suggested that this was not a very common amount for a couple in their thirties with kids. The therapist even suggestedvthatvshe might be hyper sexual. It started if as fun but then sometimes when I wasn't in the mood because I was exhausted, I still tried to relieve her frustration through oral sex which is the only way she orgasms anyway but then once it was finished she souls moan and whimper when I didn't follow it with bad sex. So I started feeling like I needed to perform like a machine and I tried to. But then one time I was so exhausted and sleepy and so turned off by the nagging and being compared to the supposed normal guys who would kill for sex every day, I had one night where I couldn't perform. My equipment wasn't cooperating! That was scary for be because I have never had that problem. I freaked out and she took it as me no being attracted to get anymore.

There was tune when we were much younger, the roles were reversed. Her birth control was lowering her libido to almost non existent. I was understanding and patient and never made her feel bad about it. Of course now when thus topic comes up she makes a point to say that she always satisfied be even when her libido was low, and u must not love her enough it I would do the same. I tried to tell her that due to obvious differences in anatomy, it us much easiest for a woman to have sex without being into it, than it us for a man. When I say I was always willing to satisfy you orally but you push it so much in me that I feel like I am a sex you, she says and normal man who us attracts yo a woman can be ready yo go at anytime. So we kind reached a stale mate. We had awesome sex once a week when u was horny and ready but it wasn't enough for her. So when you consider that OM isn't providing any orgasms for her and she hanging with it, she misbehave been compensating for lack if emotional fulfillment with notecard.

[GH31]

Hello SM34,

I am on holiday in Czech Republic at the moment.

Will write more to you soon. Please use the "Preview Post" function to check your posts before you click "Submit" and post them. Sometimes it's rather difficult to read your posts when everything has been auto "corrected" .

Mr. Bond is being tough but fair with you, and he's right. We have to understand what to do, step by step, but more importantly why you do it.

I read before that you think your wife is keeping you as a Plan B. This is probably very true and has Bond said, you have to make it lovingly clear to your Mrs. that you will not share her. In your thoughts, attitude, actions and spirit.

[MrBond]

"Yes I think she was trying to compensate for lack of emotional fulfillment with more sex."

Sex is how she expresses her emotions. It's the ultimate high for her. Next time get her sex toys or something else to fulfill that need.

"She wanted sex every day it every otherness at leading, and even her therapist suggested that this was not a very common amount for a couple in their thirties with kids. The therapist even suggestedvthatvshe might be hyper sexual. "

You W likes sex. Period. Stop acting like it's some kind of abnormality.

The emotional connection she has with the OM is a fantasy which stirs ideas of how great the sex COULD be. In fact, because he can't "perform" she's left WANTING. It's like telling a kid that she can't have candy. The candy might taste like crap in reality, but in their mind, they fantasize about how great it's going to taste.