A little journaling, not H related at all:

Just had a big revelation. I was driving home and saw an ad for the new show 1600 Penn. I noticed that the little girl on the show looks a little bit like I did when I was little.

Then I remembered something from my childhood. When I was 8 or 9, my mother took me to see an "agent" - yes, a Hollywood agent - because I really liked acting and we thought maybe I could get into some "real" acting. The agent said I looked too "ethnic" and my mom had to explain to me what that meant. (I am half Italian and half Jewish, dark hair, dark eyes).

I just realized, on my drive home, for the first time ever, that what that agent said has had an impact on me for my entire life. Because I grew up thinking that my looks weren't "right," or weren't acceptable, and now I can see, it all started right there. I always felt unattractive and never thought I was pretty, and I'm sure all those insecurities came shining through, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

My mother didn't step in to correct that at the time, and we never went to see any other agents after that. I'm sure the lady meant no harm by saying that, but that was the impression that I was left with, that the way I looked was somehow "wrong." Maybe now that I've realized where that thinking comes from, I can start to undo it. This alone has probably led to a good portion of my insecurities about myself and specifically about myself with men.

Interesting how when you start down the therapy path, it kind of just loosens you up and so many other things come out...

Also realized today that the therapist that I was seeing at the time of OM1 shouldn't have let me just ramble on about him. I wish she had challenged me and asked me why I was so unhappy, and what was I planning to do about it. But she never did that. She just sat there and let me complain.


Me54, H53
M 23, T 25
S20, S18
BD: April 2024
Moved out: August 2024

Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.

"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page