I’m really over H's attitude right now. As always, I could’ve done much better, but I’m simply over his bs today. We got into a disagreement earlier today which I’m not thrilled about, but it was still progress for me, because I dropped the topic early, before I got too heated and got into my all too familiar “never ending story” where I don’t let the argument go. This is what happened:
His truck is in the shop for the 5th time in the past few months since we bought it this summer. Since I work from home during the days, I don’t need to commute for work at this point. He works nights, so he takes my car to work. The arrangement works out well for the most part, although it’s been slightly inconvenient when I want to go out on the weekend or have to cancel or keep postponing something social. And I do understand, because it can be a pain in the neck not to have a car to get to work and I want to be there for him. But I sometimes have the sense that he knows I’m always more than here for whatever his needs are, that it doesn’t really concern him that I’m stuck home for the most part. It’s not something he’s said, but I guess I feel like I’m much more committed to his welfare overall than he is to mine right now, especially emotionally (one of the reasons I post here now, I suppose).
We had a nice holiday, we cooked together, spent a really nice time, and it was good. Still no affection aside from having fun together, but I’m trying to keep it light, give him his space and not bring it up. No arguments, bickering, etc.
So this morning we were discussing him going food shopping while I work today. He’ll need my car for the next few days and so this way I’ll have food in the house while he has my car. He also has to go to work earlier today for a meeting and then said he’ll maybe stop home before his later shift. His truck has been in the shop for a week and they want a lot of money to fix it, with no real resolution as to the final price yet. The last time they had it, it was there for 2 1/2 weeks. I suggested yesterday he talk them down a little, since we’ve given them a lot of money each time, and today he said he was going to stop by there and see if he could talk to them face to face. I probably said too much with the “just tell them you won’t do it for more than X”, and he said something like “why don’t you just write down what I should say and I’ll say that?”. I said “Sorry. Just trying to help, do what you want”. And I dropped it. He said he was concerned about money, due to the truck cost and rent coming up. I told him to just put it on our other card (my paychecks currently go to that one) and not to worry about it, just get some basics for food. He said he’d rather wait til tomorrow, and see what everything cost, and I said “there’s no food in the house for tonight though.” I must have pissed him off because he decided now he wasn’t going food shopping, and would find another way to work aside from my car. (When he decided to sleep outside in his truck months ago when this whole thing started, he insisted on taking the bus to work for weeks despite me offering to take him).
He then went on about “let’s keep it separate, I’ll get myself to work” and “I was such a fool, I should’ve known not to get sucked back into using your car again” and “now I’m gonna go get all my stuff out of it” and “... I won’t need to listen to anymore of you talking” etc. I asked him why he was doing this again. I told him I didn’t really understand why he was making this a federal case - we had a disagreement which I dropped. I said something he didn’t like about the mechanic, and he decided he wasn’t going food shopping, and now decided he would get himself to work, do it himself, etc etc.
When he came back inside the house, I said “when you make us separate like that, I really feel like I’m being punished”. He said he wasn’t punishing me, and that he was a stupid to get sucked back into using my car. I told him I have always been there for him and try to operate together as a team, but him by withdrawing things he had promised to he would do was hurtful and didn’t make sense, just because we had a disagreement. He told me I could use my own car to go food shopping after work, (which I will do, thank you!) - but he knows I have calls to make well into the night tonight so my time is limited (I work 2 jobs right now). I got upset and probably shouldn’t have brought up the R, but said that he was withholding everything for the past 3 months, love, affection, and now doing this ‘separate’ thing again. I told him that I’ve been there for whenever he needed something but that for the past 3 months, he’s been reluctant to even have a disagreement with me without punishing or withholding from me. He’s treating me like a roommate. To this he replied “Fine, then I’ll go food shopping, you only have 1/2 hour, what do you want me to get?”
I just declined that offer and let it go at that.
I’m getting really fed up with this. All this week I’ve been trying to figure out how we’re going to pay for this car again, rent and everything. I’m tired of being an afterthought to him. I’ve been trying to find one of my girlfriends to get away with me somewhere, just so I can remove myself from this silent insanity. I’m just over him right now. I’m over his bs attitude, his calling the shots, his punishing, his withholding, all of it. I’m over it!
I’m sure this post is full of mistakes I’ve made. But you know what? I really don’t care so much today. I need to do a lot more DBing and worrying about me. It’s hard though. I feel like in taking care of me better, I’ll be stranding him somehow. Why the hell shouldn’t he find his own way to work? Worry about how he’ll pay for this truck? He’s been mostly worried about himself anyway! I just don’t know yet what the honorable opposite is of what I’m doing. How to draw a line in the sand as to better boundaries (I’m learning that here though!) and how to be there for him without losing myself in the process? I’m just to the point of I’ve really had enough of this nonsense.
