I pulled this list from RLA's post. It's the formula for how the WAS is supposed to respond to the changes in the LBS.
Quote:
Figure your crap out and be who you want to be Spouse sees happy, fun, confident person Over time, spouse believes in changes Spouse gets interested in this person Spouse questions his/her own actions Spouse comes around and talks R Spouse starts working on own issues and M issues with you (piecing)
I wish it were that simple.
H (the LBS) has always seemed content with the person he is. He'll make a comment occasionally about how he needs to lose some weight or get more organized or match his actions to his words, but he doesn't appear to actually do anything differently to accomplish it or even skip a beat in his daily life because of it. So basically, step one is already done for us, and has been for a long time. I would definitely describe him as a happy, fun, confident person.
It's what interested me in him initially. I really enjoyed him at first. He was always upbeat and ready to have some fun and didn't mind blowing off other responsibilities to do so. And if only I didn't have any interests of my own and would continue to follow him around doing his, and didn't mind picking up all the responsibilities that he dropped, then we could have a M made in heaven.
But I do have interests of my own, and I do mind being responsible for his negligence.
"Talking about R" with H is the absolute worst thing I could do. H hates to talk about our issues. It has always been a problem for him. He even used his last counseling session to devise a boundary where he would only have to listen to me talk about our R for 15 minutes and then, per the counselor, he would just walk away. Honestly, if he's not wanting to participate, then I don't need him to listen either. At that point, I figure he's just watching the clock. I googled Stosny as was advised to someone else, and read a lot about how that's not uncommon, that there are actual negative physical reactions for men towards "talking." I suspect he's on the high-end of this response. So there's really no point in my putting him through even 15 minutes of it, and he NEVER initiates anything himself.
I'm finding that I'm losing sight of any sort of image of what a healthy M is even supposed to look like, of what I should be hoping for or working toward, what I'll have when I "arrive." Of course, I don't want to use the examples on TV or depicted in romance novels, but then what? Maybe I spend too much time reading posts here where I see all the bad R's, and where the LBS is doing everything they can just to keep their WAS from leaving, including biting their tongues, not saying or doing anything that might upset them, doing 180's and 100% of the work, while having no expectations of the WAS, even being thrilled because they didn't talk D today. That doesn't sound like much of a life. Maybe I've just been reading too much of the bad side of things and need to spend some time instead on how already-healthy M'd couples interact.
Also, what I've learned about what I need to do to correct my own issues won't really bring H and me closer together. In fact, we've both done a really good job of GAL'g -- without each other. He does his thing and I do mine. Last night, the 3 of us sat in the family room with the tv on, half-watching a program as H surfed on his laptop with headphones (or slept), I surfed on mine, and S12 played his iTouch while a fire burned in the fireplace. It was really rather pathetic, though everyone seemed perfectly happy doing their own thing. Is that it? Is that what I should cherish about family? About M? We didn't argue. We weren't mad at each other. We really weren't anything except co-existing. I remember that about my grandparents and thinking, "How sad!", that I never wanted my M to be like that. Maybe it is supposed to be that way and I was just expecting too much.
