I'm amazed how resilient kids can act. D7 has been asking me a lot of questions but doesn't seem worried, just wants to know details about future. Yesterday she asked about custody and I told her we weren't sure yet. She then said best case is they stay with each parent 2 days then the next. She doesn't want one week on/off and definitely not weekends only. I asked her how she knows this stuff and she said a lot of her friends have divorced parents. So sad that a 7 year old knows this stuff, I had no idea she was this aware. She also asked me if she could help pick out my next house/ apartment. Apparently I'm the only one freaking out over this... She did tell me Jesus gives us our strength and said she's been praying more but wouldn't give details.
Yesterday spent a great day with kids. We went sledding and even made it on the major news network. They interviewed us all sitting on the sled before a run. Kids were so cute during interview and super excited to see themselves on TV. Phone was ringing for 30 minutes afterwards with people wanting to talk with the celebs . Wife got home and watched it and it seemed to tick her off. I let it go and figured let her deal with it, kids and I always have fun together and she'll have to get used to that.
Only other time we talked was I brought her up to speed on things they were asking about. This really ticked her off. In a crappy tone she even said they were asking her all the same stuff. I just ignored it but I know it's not true because she hasn't been around. I do feel bad that kids aren't really talking with her much, even when she's here. Yesterday I even went out to shovel snow to let them hang out and they ended up outside with me. Glad she gets them all weekend to hopefully bond (as long as she doesn't fill their head with BS but nothing I can do about it). With a crappy tone W told me they were staying at her sisters an extra night for New Years and I asked if she had talked to kids because they should now get a say (kind of ticked me off she thought she could just keep them w/o even discussing with me). Last night she asked what they wanted to do and they said have me go to her sisters, W said that wouldn't work so D7 said she wanted to come home and watch ball drop with all of us. This really ticked off W and kind of backfired for me. I fully expected kids to want to stay with their cousins like we always have and I would go to friends party. I'm happy to spend NYE with kids but not so much having to hang with W. I may talk to them and see if they want to stay extra day to hopefully calm W down, not sure what to do on this one.
The other thing I've noticed is since we told them and how it happened I'm completely detached from W. It kind of scares me but I could really care less about her right now. I feel bad about kids interactions with her but no feelings for her other then that. I hope it's only temporary but her coldness towards kids has flipped a switch in me I never expected.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
"she meant and apparently W told her she would get a house with a pool in the backyard just for her"
Spartan the WAS are also known at times for being the "Christmas Parent". They spend and buy things on them due to guilt. My exw did the same thing, whatever D wanted she got.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
The other thing I've noticed is since we told them and how it happened I'm completely detached from W. It kind of scares me but I could really care less about her right now. I feel bad about kids interactions with her but no feelings for her other then that. I hope it's only temporary but her coldness towards kids has flipped a switch in me I never expected.
Spartan, you're hurt. So your detachment might be temporary. This happened to me when my H left me on my own during the emergency I had with my mom. I felt completely alone. I felt he didn't (or had never cared) about me or my mom. The feeling lasted for weeks, until I expressed my feelings and he told me his point of view. That's when I started to see things differently. However, sometimes I remember how he behaved and get this really bad feeling...
What clues does your W give you that she's "ticked off?" A look? Words? Are you mind-reading?
For DBing sake I hope it lasts for a little while but I honestly don't like the feeling of not caring. This did hurt, probably worse thn anything in our past, so you're probably right.
As far as clues it's the look and body language. She also gets real quiet. Didn't say good night or good morning which only happens when he's mad.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
D7 had a little breakdown today over NYE. She asked why I can't go to SIL's and I explained that's part of divorce. She started bawling which caught me off guard. I held her and got her calmed down and we talked for a good 20 minutes about everything. The plan is for them to still come home because she wants to be with me but I told her if she's having a good time then she should stay and I would be happy because she was having fun. She also asked if she could IM me all weekend (Santa gave her a Kindle Fire) which of course I said yes to. After talk I took kids out for lunch and went swimming which always calms her down. We even met up with W for dinner (not my idea).
It was really tough seeing her cry like that. Yesterday she acted fine but obviously she isn't so I've been worried sick. I'll stay on top of it and make sure she knows she can talk with me. I texted wife about what happened and she sounded a little concerned on phone but didn't ask too many questions. I am mentally and physically drained after last 2 days. They all leave for weekend and I think the cousins will keep D busy but if not at least she knows she can call or IM.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
You are a good dad. This is all so new to everyone. D will adjust, she will, and she sounds like a really strong little kid. Just keep being there for her, it is the most important thing you can do. I was 7 when my parents D and I have to tell you I don't remember the details too well now.
Interesting how perceptive the children are. My S9 said to me tonight, "it's really the stress and tension between you two that's the worst thing; you should just hurry up and get a D. This relationship is like a rotten apple." I am sure your D7 feels that tension and stress too; she is scared about what will happen to her, but just keep her safe and close and above all, love her and make sure she knows you love her and her brother no matter what.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
You are a great Daddy Spartan. Stay true to yourself and your kids. They pick up on everything and they know. Believe me, they know and you don't have to say a thing about your W to them(nor should you).
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I'm amazed how resilient kids can act. D7 has been asking me a lot of questions but doesn't seem worried, just wants to know details about future.
I went through this with S10 and D16 (9 and 15 at the time). Kids initially get excited about the idea of having a new bedroom in a new home, the whole separation thing seems like a big adventure to them. But it's short-lived. They're going through an emotional roller coaster too, so just be ready because they are going to have some very low lows and will need you more than ever. Your W is going to want to pretend that everything is fine and that they don't need help, so don't expect her to step up when they need it most.
Yesterday she asked about custody and I told her we weren't sure yet. She then said best case is they stay with each parent 2 days then the next. She doesn't want one week on/off and definitely not weekends only. I asked her how she knows this stuff and she said a lot of her friends have divorced parents. So sad that a 7 year old knows this stuff, I had no idea she was this aware. She also asked me if she could help pick out my next house/ apartment. Apparently I'm the only one freaking out over this... She did tell me Jesus gives us our strength and said she's been praying more but wouldn't give details.
Yesterday spent a great day with kids. We went sledding and even made it on the major news network. They interviewed us all sitting on the sled before a run. Kids were so cute during interview and super excited to see themselves on TV. Phone was ringing for 30 minutes afterwards with people wanting to talk with the celebs . Wife got home and watched it and it seemed to tick her off. I let it go and figured let her deal with it, kids and I always have fun together and she'll have to get used to that.
Only other time we talked was I brought her up to speed on things they were asking about. This really ticked her off. In a crappy tone she even said they were asking her all the same stuff. I just ignored it but I know it's not true because she hasn't been around. I do feel bad that kids aren't really talking with her much, even when she's here. Yesterday I even went out to shovel snow to let them hang out and they ended up outside with me. Glad she gets them all weekend to hopefully bond (as long as she doesn't fill their head with BS but nothing I can do about it). With a crappy tone W told me they were staying at her sisters an extra night for New Years and I asked if she had talked to kids because they should now get a say (kind of ticked me off she thought she could just keep them w/o even discussing with me). Last night she asked what they wanted to do and they said have me go to her sisters, W said that wouldn't work so D7 said she wanted to come home and watch ball drop with all of us. This really ticked off W and kind of backfired for me. I fully expected kids to want to stay with their cousins like we always have and I would go to friends party. I'm happy to spend NYE with kids but not so much having to hang with W. I may talk to them and see if they want to stay extra day to hopefully calm W down, not sure what to do on this one.
The other thing I've noticed is since we told them and how it happened I'm completely detached from W. It kind of scares me but I could really care less about her right now. I feel bad about kids interactions with her but no feelings for her other then that. I hope it's only temporary but her coldness towards kids has flipped a switch in me I never expected. [/quote]
Yikes! Sorry, I accidentally posted that last without editing out a bunch of extra text from your post. This is what it SHOULD have looked like:
Originally Posted By: Spartan
I'm amazed how resilient kids can act. D7 has been asking me a lot of questions but doesn't seem worried, just wants to know details about future.
I went through this with S10 and D16 (9 and 15 at the time). Kids initially get excited about the idea of having a new bedroom in a new home, the whole separation thing seems like a big adventure to them. But it's short-lived. They're going through an emotional roller coaster too, so just be ready because they are going to have some very low lows and will need you more than ever. Your W is going to want to pretend that everything is fine and that they don't need help, so don't expect her to step up when they need it most.
. Wife got home and watched it and it seemed to tick her off. I let it go and figured let her deal with it, kids and I always have fun together and she'll have to get used to that.