Maybe you should take her at her word and accept that her being in the bed with you now is a big deal and enjoy that for what it is. I would be ecstatic with some bed-time cuddling. We always want more than we have!
I can understand you feeling insecure when you saw your W with her phone and asking her about it. Next time you feel triggered in a similar way, maybe you can re-read Sandi2's rules before you do anything. That really helps me. Nothing needs to be done on the spot.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
I can accept most of her word about the bed and cuddling. I've been practicing most of Sandi's rules lately, I guess all the internalized thoughts / frustrations got the best of me. I let them.
W has been up for about an hour. Obviously not the most talkative this far. Fortunately, she has an IC appt that she's getting ready for; and I'm going to run to work for a few hours. A little space right now may not hurt. Also, with the SILs being here, they hopefully have or will help diffuse things.
The fact that the SIL's were there tells me she wasn't texting the OM. I mean, are they 12 years old? No. It's perfectly normal to feel what you feel, but try to wait until the morning to talk to her in a calm way.
It's interesting how you can sleep (and the kids) with them making all the noise. One of my H's pet peeves is that I asked him to keep the noise down late at night, so he felt he couldn't bring his buddies over for a poker night. I'm a very light sleeper.
Oh, and in regard to the affection, hug her from time to time. Show her you love her with small gestures. She'll start doing the same as time goes by. Get some of those fitted boxers and walk around the room in them, or don't wear anything--even better. Get the spark going :-)
12 years old? Not sure with the WAS mindset. Sleep? They woke me up I will try affection from time to time and hope it builds into something good and consistent. Fitted boxes are my style already.
So before W left for her IC appt, she invited me to meet up for lunch to talk. This can be huge. My plan is to go in wig an open mind, LISTEN more than talk, share what I want / need from her (basic / simple stuff).
Thoughts? Add / delete? It's in 2 hours, so any help to make it instead of breaking this opportunity would be very much appreciated.
Lunch is done. In the spirit of DBing it was a good lunch b/c she said she felt better afterwards. I on the other hand not so much. Mixed feelings. Partly b/c I feel as if she laid down the law / patented me and told me how things were going to be. Now I'm saying that with a little bitterness that I know will fade away in time. W shared that OM did send her a friend request over a month ago with which she hasn't accepted. That he loves her. That's the main sore spot for me. I say that from a jaded POV, knowing he has cheated on my w during their R. How f'd up i that. That I'm angered that he hurt her, and then has the nerve to say ILY to her. It's like a microcosm of our R I guess. I did argue that my love was more than his in the sense that I've been fighting for our M. I know its a mistake to have argued that point, but that still speaks to my core values. I did let it go. And now I'm venting here.
So positives are that I know her expectations, and she knows mine. Unfortunately my request for physical reassurances when / if feeling uncomfortable are the opposite of her wanting continued space. W did say she she's at 60% committed to our R, that we have several other stressors to fix (co-parenting, moneu, communication in general and about daily events) that once taken care of will yield greater time and energy for us to work on our R. Plenty of things for us to concretely work on that can help us bond and in a parallel way "fix" our M. W also said she's terrified of me / my anger when I clench my jaw. Something for me to work on. She did acknowledge some of her past as contributors to all this, and that she created my extra need for reassurance b/c of her actions with OM. One of the more interesting comments was that she said she doesn't really want anyone to touch her, b/c she has this dark feeling inside her and that she feels as if others would be able to touch "it". I so got that / validated it so well that each of us became teary eyed near the end of lunch. We stopped talking.
So, did you tell her NC with OM was what you needed? I hope so. The friend request has to go to trash. Of course, say it nicely.
When she says she needs space, does that mean at an intimate level?
60% committed is not committed. That's what the MC told my H when he said he was 80% committed. But I get what they want to convey--basically, they're not sure they want to be in the M but they're not completely out of it.
I see how she carries a lot of emotional baggage from the past. It's good she's going to the IC.
I think you did very well, especially listening and validating, but hope you talked about the boundaries with the OM.
Thanks Tori. Despite not feeling "great" about the convo, I think I did pretty well. I did restate NC with OM. Told her she could have even bragged about herself to me by refusing his request. Also, I highlighted the fact that if he "loves" her then there cannot be a friendship. I thinking its more a matter of time. She did add her realization that she chose him b/c of how he makes her feel better about herself simply b/c she is better than him. The typical WAS scenario that we already knew.
60% is much better than when I initially came here, so if it's a growth then I can work with that. We did agree to check in more regularly to see how we are. Actually that's how she started the convo. I told her I am ok. I don't need her, but want her; and am hopeful this crisis can be a blessing in disguise. So we'll see. I did ask if she was simply waiting for the holidays to be over and then file, she believingly said no.
Intimate space? Not sure if I follow your ? I emphasized that I was hopeful for basic physical affection (eg hand holding, hug), not sex. But since we both have needs we can solve that problem together. . A line from Jody.
I need to believe more in myself. Show my awesomeness to everyone and do more of the DB same stuff. Work the process and find out where my journey toes me (equally important remeblmber she is on her own journey).
We did agree to check in more regularly to see how we are. Actually that's how she started the convo. I told her I am ok. I don't need her, but want her; and am hopeful this crisis can be a blessing in disguise.
That all sounds great.
Originally Posted By: afa75
I did ask if she was simply waiting for the holidays to be over and then file, she believingly said no.
In an ideal world, you wouldn't have asked her that question but nice that her response is so reassuring.
It would be good if she got the sense that you weren't so focused on her. I may be wrong but I can imagine that she feels in the spotlight. Maybe it's just the impression I get because you're focusing a lot on her in your posts here.
Let her initiate the next check-in and good luck DBing to the max.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Don't dwell, just move forward. I like that you said it was an insecure moment, that would have melted me if H said that, but since I am LBS and so are you we must be zen at all costs lmao!!
We girls whisper to our BFF ...all the time. If OM didn't like post, well gosh darn, too bad. You know why? Because you are secure in who you are and what you want and you will fake this, even when you are not.
I am in Canada. If you come and clean I will take you all skiing and boarding. : p
