Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

[Sweetbriar]

H leaves for his Mexico trip today. He came by yesterday and took D14 to lunch...I almost didnt let her go, as I am still concerned about his emotional well being and the way he speaks to her. They were only gone 1 hour and she said it was a decent lunch. He still complained about work and not having a say in the new baby's name but other than that, was pleasant. He mentioned how excited he was for his trip and seeing his cousins for the week.

How do you go from suicide threats just a few days ago to being totally excited for a trip? I guess the trip will be a temporary fix to his problems...something to look forward to! In the meantime Im sad. I guess Im feeling sorry for myself yesterday and today that he gets to go on a leisurely vaca and Im at home being a responsible adult all the time. I wouldnt change it for the world, but sometimes I just get so darn emotional because I miss my family so much. I look into my kids eyes and realize how hurt they really are and how much they are trying to navigate through all this as well. H sees nothing but stuff for himself.

I was doing so well and did so well through Christmas and then yesterday, BAM it hit me again that he isnt a part of us anymore. He isnt a part of this life that we lead and he knows nothing about what we do anymore.

Im starting to get scared about the new baby coming...nothing is done...and I know its going to be hard being a single parent to a newborn. H was so much help when my Ds were born..he did everything. I just dont know how he can step away and think that its all okay. Im also starting to worry because I dont know where my life will head this year. He wants to sell our house and this is my home and the kids home. I also need a full time job starting in Sept..one with benefits for myself (he will continue to insure the kids) and with some kind of retirement plan. These were all things that I never had to think of before. It was always going to be H and I. I havent worked full time in 15 years and I have to put my baby in daycare, which I didnt have to do with my girls.

Im just feeling sad today again...and needed to write. My girls and I are going to register at the local store for all the baby stuff today. Usually that would be so fun and I would be looking forward to it, but I feel like I have a black cloud over me today. My girls are at sleepovers from last night and I just dont know how H does it. One night they are gone and I miss them...how can he not see them any night and be okay with that. He hasnt spent one whole evening with them in 5 months..just so sad....

I hope my day gets better...maybe I will go lay back down. Was supposed to get my 3 hour lab test done this morning and when I got there they told me that there was a long wait to just get started so it would be over 4 hours....I made an appt for Monday and left...who knew you had to make an appt for these things...the labs have always been walk in. Anyway, Maybe Im just lacking TLC and since my pregnancy is progressing, Im more tired and run down, causing my extra emotions....who knows...