My wife wants to separate

[MrBond]

"Need some guidance."

That's what we're here for.

"So when I told her I would help her with finding a car, but that I thought it should be OM now that she is his woman."

Comments like this are seething with anger and resentment. If your W feels that from you, then she's going to stay away from you.

"Then I'm not sure why, but I said to her that make sure you and OM and your best friend (who happens to be OM's sister in law) are not talking s%i$ about me when you guys are together. I said I hope you would not allow those people to talk negatievly about me."

You can't control her or even demand that she act a certain way. The key is that she has to WANT to be nice to you. Forget about what her friends and others are saying to her. Concentrate on just your W and her feelings. People are going to sway her every which way. Just validate her feelings. You did read DR right?

"Anyway, she says no, on the contrary. She claims her friend has messaged her to say that she feels sorry for me having to take care of our baby while W is staying the night with OM. Now what is strange was that when I went through her messages on her phone, I thought the W had said that, and her friend replied that your husband wouldnt need to do that if he had taken care of his marriage when he had the chance! Now, I am confused and wondering if I was reading it wrong and it was the other person saying it. So now I'm not sure who said they feel bad for me, and who thought I deserved it (between my W and I). Maybe my wife is leing."

You keep saying stuff like this to yourself and you'll drive yourself nuts. Calm down and concentrate on HER. Again, forget about what her friends say.

"I told her I thought it was ridiculous that her friend just validated her feelings that day instead of recommending counseling."

That's where you're wrong. She's justified to feel how she does just as much as you do. It may not coincide with what you think or believe, but it doesn't matter what YOU think. It's real to her and she chose the OM over you. What were the issues that she had about you?

"i told her MIL is right when she tells you that you should have listened to the people who know about long term R like ours, and not your friends who are single or married just 4 years. The W seemed to be contemplating to herself how that might be true and then started tearing up a little."

You won't be able to "lecture" her back. When you talk like that it's like a father talking to a daughter. Not a H to a W. You're not respecting her POV.

"She also accused me of not fighting for her when she told me about OM!!"

Most cheaters say this. Don't take it seriously.

"I feel like that validates my feeling that we are just good friends but not lovers."

She doesn't consider you her lover.

"I had not choice but to live with your decision."

But you DO have a choice. YOUR choice is to live your life as YOU see fit.

"I also told her that she has made her decision and that I support her, and I am glad she is happy now."

Don't ever say that. It's okay to say that you understand how she feels, but never agree that she was okay to have an A. Condone the spirit, not the action.