H's MLC started when BF murdered

[GatorGirl]

Thank you so much for the quote from Hero...that makes things feel so much more clear and I agree with much of it. What I am doing at this point is self-preservation, which is very good, IMO. I have no idea what my H is doing, nor would finding out do me any good. I do think he is or was having an EA with the niece I mentioned before. What happens between them is not my concern, honestly.

My H has had issues with depression for our entire relationship. He ebbs and flows and has good times with it and bad times with it. He has taken medication but has ALWAYS consumed alcohol even when taking antidepressants. I don't think he could go a day without a drink. That's one of his demons that I cannot fight for him. I am sure he is depressed even though he denies it. I don't know what he does at night (when he doesn't have the kids) but he feels the need to share what he has done with the kids with me. For example, he sent me a text today to tell me he had taken them to the zoo. I usually keep our activities to myself and let the kids tell him what we've done over the weekend or whatever. I don't know what else to do with him.

So, at this point I guess I'm not really giving up as I'd thought. I'm standing. I'm working on me and believing in the vows I took, the promises I've made and I'm focusing on me until he makes the next move in this chess game. I admit that one of the things I miss the most is physical affection. Just holding hands, kissing hello and goodbye, daily hugs, all that kind of thing. I don't think I'd ever realized how much I needed that until it was completely ripped from me. I find the standing process frustrating simply because I crave that attention. One moment I am willing to wait for him and the next I'm ready to make out with one of my friends only because I feel so neglected. I haven't gone through with it but I'd be lying if I said the temptation wasn't there. I feel like its a bad idea though.

I don't know if I've mentioned my strange "signs" I've gotten in times of distress. I am spiritual and pray early and often. A month ago, I had lunch with my sister and we were talking about my relationship. I said how I still wanted him to come home and how hard it was and explained a little bit about our past to her. How things were fine and then blew up in my face. In the quiet moments at the table between us, I prayed that H and I would work it out somehow, someway. I paid for my lunch with cash and as the change was brought to me, a state quarter was staring me in the face. H is from SC and there was a SC quarter, tails up. It was minted in 2001-the year we were married. And when I saw it, I felt peaceful. Like for a moment, I knew it was all going to be ok, like he would eventually come home. I thought it was so weird and then the same day, I got a nickel in change from the year H was born. Again, staring me in the face. As these weird things keep popping up, I have a strange feeling in my gut about the month of April. Again, I can't explain it. There are moments when I think I have completely gone crazy. I wonder why!!