That's a really good post Regret. I get it...I really do.
Here's where it's a little different for me, and yes, it's because I've been thru it and I've spent quite a bit of time working on me....H is broken. He is completely broken. He doesn't have the slightest clue how he should behave, what he should do, how he can forgive, etc. He is lost.
This just is. You can't change it. H will have to figure it out at his own pace and likely his own way. He may never figure it out. He may wake up in 20 years and be the same old selfish, hateful, unhappy bastard. There's no way to know. He owns at least 50% of this M, but whether is steps up to that is to be seen....and even if he does, his timeline could be significantly different than yours.
But this is about YOU. You already get it...you've learned so much. Your M doesn't define you. Your H doesn't define you. Hell, your kids don't even define you. You are you. You can be who you want to be, happy, free, spontaneous, etc. Yes, this might be easier if you were living by yourself, but there's tradeoffs there too.
I encourage you to run towards happiness. Be who you want to be. Love your family, including H, even if he is broken and confused. Let him know, "yes, I contributed to the brokenness of this M, but I have tried to make amends and work on my issues. Can you say the same?" Maybe even challenge him a little more, "Do you take no responsibility for where we are? Do you really think our M was awesome, and my poor character caused all our problems?"
Really, if he says yes to that last bit, D is likely. Something has got to make him think...if not your words, then maybe your actions. Again, be strong, and be good to yourself.
I think one of the big things I've learned over the last year is individuality. I've learned to be me. Not who my parents shaped, not who I thought I was, not who my W thought I was, but who I am, and who I want to be. This isn't dependent on my W...far from it. I have grown happier and stronger in spite of the hardships my W has put in front of me.
My hope for you, is that you get to the same place. You are worthy of happiness...you deserve it, and you can have it. Your H may be part of it, he may not.
