Changing Directions

[RegretfulLA]

Thanks you guys. I don't know where I'd be without this board sometimes!

Yes, ok, I am looking for a little validation. Hell, sometimes I really need it. I don't have a soft place to land these days and sometimes I just want that.

I know I need the pushing and coaching - sometimes it gets to be a little much though (this is why I don't like bootcamp type things and never was one for sports). I like to set my own pace. It is helping, it is keeping me on track, but it does hurt and feels hard sometimes. But yet, I'm here.

So, let's talk about me blaming H for a second.

Today I drove an hour to go buy some bookcases for my den (the room I'm sleeping in that has been disorganized for a year). H originally said he did not want me to buy anything without his "approval" so we had agreed we'd go to this place today. Not surprisingly, H backed out this morning, which didn't bother me, since now I could get whatever I wanted without having to worry about what he thought.

I did say to him, I am sorry it has come to this.

And then our whole dumb R conversation started again.

Now during these talks, I get blamed 100% for everything that has happened. The theme of today's talk was "Regretful is a backstabber."

Honestly, I am so hurt that in my time of need, when clearly I was having so many issues and dealing with them so poorly that I felt I had to accept the attention of a married man who I didn't even like in the hopes of feeling better, that my H has chosen to abandon me. That's the crux of it. Things have gotten to a critical point here and he's bailing on me, and apologizing or changing my behavior hasn't had an impact. This is why I think our R cannot be mended. H refuses to forgive me, and that is not a marriage.

H also doesn't see it that way, not at all. H sees it as, he doesn't want to be married to a backstabber (his exact words). I think H wants to use my mistakes to gain power over me, and part of this involves trying to make me feel guilty.

That has worked because I do feel guilty. And guilt is a really sucky place to be. I try every day to forgive myself and accept my faults, my mistakes, my issues, but it becomes so much harder when I'm constantly being told I'm a cheater, I'm a backstabber, I'm a liar, I'm a narcissist, etc. (again, his exact words). I start to believe it again. This isn't loving behavior. Not that I could expect that at this point, but this behavior isn't new. It's been going on for years.

I know I should feel some responsibility for our M ending up in the place that it has, and I do. But as I've said before, I can't accept 100% of the responsibility. I did make poor choices, and I feel terrible about that - not only letting H down but letting me down, too. Not being strong enough to deal with my own sh!t and running for a band-aid. I am learning more about my own self-esteem issues and how they are tied up in getting approval from men and how wrong that is.

If our M had been better, if I had felt better about it, would I have needed to do that though?

Answer is no. I was with my H for over 10 years before OM1 became OM1 (I knew him before that), and there was never any other person before that.

So here's what I say: both of us contributed to the problems in the M. Communication and intimacy - two key factors - were poor/low. As a result, I felt unloved. I guess the new me could say, I had a choice in how to deal with my feelings, but the old me wasn't even really aware of the unhappiness.

I blame my H for not stepping up to the plate and carrying his part of the M. I do not blame H for the choices that I made, and I do not blame him for my unhappiness. I blame him for his criticism, his negativity, his neglect, his disapproval, his emotional abandonment - all of which I internalized and then acted out.