What I am learning from H stages.

[albamarie]

Journaling:

Today is not going bad, def better than I thought. H came home at 7a after a night of drinking and smoking w/ea's friends, without ea. He said it was the only way to get out of his dep, he felt it lift right after he left our house, wooh wee!

We spoke a little about how he could be handling life better and all it has to offer. We talked about how we/he handled some of the things that he is angry about. He doesn't blame me, he blames his weak character and the world.

I let it go, crawled into bed, called all my kids to jump in with me, and watch A Christmas Carlol movie, while eating stocking goodies before breakfast.

H retreated back to our room once we all gathered into the kitchen to cook, and has been there since. I'm sure he will not join us for dinner but that's fine. I have 3 boys with 3 girlfriends,a D with her friend, myself and our cool dog who loves having company.

I am going to learn to be without him if it kills me. I have not gone to him, feed him, or sat with him, which is a big thing for me!

Good wishes for all! Enjoy! dm

[nero]

hey hi-

merry christmas and i'm glad it went okay. it is a big thing not to fall into "usual habits" so yay you. i'm trying too- take a step back.

our christmas eve and day went very nicely- like old times. (well, you know- within any reasonable parameters). had some surprise company at last minute- so that kept things (conversation) interesting- all in all nice.

h is sick as a dog now with fever and the whole thing. where he got it- who knwos. i'm not offering alot or hand-holding (which- according to him in life irritates him more than not).

he's relocated to where i am a few times- something new- i'm up here now while he languishes on couch downstairs. it's kind of my nature to offer - i'm fightng it.

that's about it- my mother is the good ole object of my annoyment at the moment- oh well. i'm civil and kind- i'm just "not in the mood" today. did my holiday duty & then some- so feel "off the hook". have chatted with her this morning alrady- will try and avoid the phone- and enjoy the non-pressure of a "holiday over".

sad isn't it- maybe that's age- when it's nicer to enjoy the day after than the day before.

i was cu4iously not nuts yesterday. h helped cook ALOT - which was mighty nice and a bit unusual= i'll take it. i was wierdly removed from it all- after run in w/ mom in the morning- she's soooo ungracxious and unyeilding- .anyway- he pitched rite in and it went nicely.

soooo- my big report. your crowd sounds like fun - i really really like it (and miss the fl gang) having young couples around- the youthful slant is soooo much nicer than the same old over and over and over "junk" older people lug around

i mean- same old grudges (in my fam) anyway- no more- with everything else i may end up being called upon to toss out of my life- i'm tossing that. don't know exactly how- maybe non-family guests at every family dinner- might be the key.

im going for it- first res0lution of new year.

glad you're sounding good - good luck with your own resolution )(of sorts) (well, me too) learning to live alone if am going to have to-

it's a new year coming- i'm thinking today we can do this- i know i say it all the time- but it's true. one way or the other- we will and we'll previal. it'll be okay

xxoo (((( ))))

[albamarie]

Hey Nero-
SO good to hear form you, and your good news. You take those peaceful times with a grain of salt to protect yourself. He hasn't changed he just running out of steam.

It's good your not running to his every whim as I am trying to do the same. No more coffee for two, no more dinner served, I don't even fold his laundry anymore. I have really separated from him.

It really does feel so much better to let him go than to feel the way have for so long. I don't hate him, I am just done, step by step everyday.

I am planning to make some resolutions myself, I have never done this before but I think if I have a plan it will be easier to stay focused.

I will share as soon as I know...I than you all can help me when stray!

thanks, ooooxxx

[albamarie]

Journaling-

I asked H to come out of my room last night after he missed dinner and evening presents w/the kids visiting friends. He came out after 11p finally when there was not a peep to be heard, and they all left for the movies.

He stayed up all night by himself again in the LR as I slept peacefully and he stayed there all day again today through the afternoon, again not speaking, just head in his books.

I settled into my b-room for an afternoon movie when in walks H, OMG now he want to offer me half his sandwich, be updated about my Dexter show, and touch my legs w/his.

I answered him about the show all the time thinking what is the best way to handle this. I don't want to start up any hard feelings because I was just feeling good. I don't want him think he can just waltz right in either.

Thank goodness he fell asleep quick, but not before aiming right for the middle (not the far edge) of the bed to he cuddle like a couple with me. I don't want tension but I will not except him as he is in my life anymore.

No exceptions, I will no longer go back to him for attention, company, or even as a coffe buddy as long as he is "what'' he is today. I refuse to be disgusted by him any more, his "angry about life" conversation makes me sick to my stomach. His choice of friends makes me angry and ill beyond words.

My S21 had headphones on saying to me the sound of his F makes him furious and sick as well. He wants him to move out, saying it would be better than dealing with his presence. I have to put that into consideration!

H said he can see that he has some kind of control here! Finances are his only contribution he doesn't threaten that, but what did he mean? HE said I haven't kicked him out yet, there have been plenty of those conversations, he doesn't hear me.

I have stopped short of locking the outside door he doesn't have a key for, but I fear that would backfire on me.

Does he really act soo extrem as to be put out? He's not abusive, or having a PA, he's dep, incognito, working, and irritating, any advise would be great on this.

Have you put your S out, did it work, was it warranted, are you better for it?

[nero]

hey hi-

i only have one thougnt on this all - even tho your h says he's perfectly happy to support you and kids, house, etc. (forever).

i would say view this with skepticism. he may feel it now- he may even mean it and do it.

i'm just saying - from my personal angle- my h is very generous- when it came to me saying okay- give me house- not so much.

there's a point maybe when they either feel like they would lose control- do lose control- or have no intention of carrying a burden of finances is there's "nothing in it for me". my words- maybe his sentiment.

i'm just saying- veiw his generousity as something maybe yes, maybe no. no one can tell where it will lead if you totally get forceful and push the situation-separation, whatever.

i am world's biggest chicken and "over-thinker" of everything.\
soooo- tht's my outlook- look out- for yourself. use diplomacy if possible and don't give him a chance to be all righteous and indignent and make you pay.

don't mean to rain on your parade- just the chicken's eye view here. xxoo have a grat day.

((())0

[albamarie]

Hey Nero,

I understand completely what your saying trust nothing! We do already have a quick claim deed filling granting me the sole deed for "Love and Affection" which doesn't release him from the note.

Whatever he pays from the note will be up to a judge if I need to take it that far. I at least think he will pay the house or I will sell it, which he doesn't want me to do. Even though now he will have no say, I will do what's best for me.

LIke I said above I don't know if his actions warrant throwing him out, I just can't stand him anymore. That's what I have to get past or ahead of.

As long as he needs the attention of drug addicts and low life's to make him feel good about himself, and ignore us, I want nothing to do with him. He said Christmas eve when he partied with them he ate up all the compliments they gave him. SICK F****!

ONly time will tell what is really going to happen! Hopefully someone is on my side! Thanks for the reality check!

[albamarie]

How long until they stop carrying their cell phone everywhere and checking for texts or calls. Ea text him saying horrible hateful things to him, threatening a warrant for him to stay away, and he loves the attention.

Meanwhile he doesn't even talk to any of my kids anymore!

[albamarie]

You know what....I don't even care anymore! I have been the furthest away from a person that's right in front of me for a week now, and its getting easier everyday,

Very small talk, but def no "offers" of kindness, no goodnight, it's the way you would treat someone on a train, get up and forget they were there. He seems to be fine with it so I'm fine!

He told me D18 to be care on her way to work...it's the first thing he's said since she text him her disappointment for leaving on the Eve to party! She doesn't care to hear from him, she done as well!

His choice...my decision!

[nero]

heyhi-

you sure do sound "done". i don't know - the cell phone thing. it's sooo gross- maybe they never stop. it's the thing that will kill it all for me too- so small- so big huh?

what jerks. good luck- just lbipping in- mom sick as a dog & been there all day- need to wash my hair- then go back and make sure she's still alive over ther.

man it [censored] to get old in america - maybe everywhere- but surely here.

oh well- good luck- we're all with ya here - you know that.

i got nothin at the moment- but do understa d and hope the new year is better for us all. back sometime later i guess

xxoo (())

[albamarie]

Today we were invited as a family to have lunch with S21 GF family and S25 GF family (who both happen to be neighbors and best friends so we were the new addition). It was unavoidable being that H didn't attend not to speak on out sitch S21 will not sugar coat or mix words about anything so he is brutally honest.

I was open to the sympathetic, spiritual ear that was given me and found that I was honest as well. I wonder if I am being harsh...I am not acting in anyway harsh, but my heart is cold (hardend) toward my H.

I allow myself to feel disgusted by him, done, searching for a way out. I didn't say this to them but their prayer of hope made me feel like, "good luck-he disappoints"!

Am I wrong? Am I being harsh...in my heart! I have zero faith that he will be a success, return to this family a humble man, and return to God as a Son without rebellion.

I have NO belief in me that he will be a emotionally healthy functioning man of "normal" society, nor do I believe he will ever give up ea/friends and return to a expectable person worthy of my family.

So, is this me protecting myself? Am I being to harsh, or is the stage I need to be at to accept that all the above is probably true?

I need some feed back here. I write on other threads with mostly no acknowledgment, and here I get readers who, once in a while post. Am I in the wrong topic, should I move, confused here....? Just looking for opinons.... a word of something, I'm getting very hardend!