H's MLC started when BF murdered

[GatorGirl]

I refuse to be the one to file but it would take a serious miracle for him to come around. At least your H said, "I love you" on Christmas. Mine is too far gone for that. I guess my issue is more giving up on the hope that something significant enough for him to realize what he is throwing away would happen so that he would come home. I just can't see it happening. I appreciate all the reasons you listed to stand. I do not have any plans on taking any action, so does that mean I'm standing? If he called me right this moment and said he'd made a big mistake, I would at least be willing to make an attempt to work it out, for the sake of all of us. As I said, I just really can't see him coming around and that's why I feel like giving up. I need to work on me and my life and figure out exactly what it is that I want and need from a partner and clearly at this moment, he is not the one that can provide it for me. I am curious about the Hero's Wife's website and will look into it though...

[BeingMe]

Hi GG. Sorry to see that you find this site necessary, as we all do. You will find awesome support and advice here.

I stood for 7 years, and now actively seeking a divorce. H seemed to come back from MLC, after EA, but I think that was manipulation on his part. Then he started traveling for work, and is completely emotionally disconnected from me, from what I can tell. I've finally given up and not going to waste anymore time on him.

[Raine]

GG, I don't know what I would do in your situation. The day after I founded out he had started an EA that was moving into PA and we separated, I was ready to kick his butt to the curb and completely destroy him in a divorce. I was so angry. It took time for me to get over that initial shock and see things for what they were. It wasn't until I understood what was really happening to him that I could look at things differently. Him getting caught stopped the A, but I'm really not sure where he is with her let alone there could be others. I get hope in the "I love you," and worry in the thought of he means it now, but what about tomorrow, or did he say it out of guilt, or out of trying to keep me from moving too far away from him? I'll just end up in circles thinking about it, so I'm trying not to. I just know that my H is in total depression right now, not leaving his house, but tomorrow he could be hooking up with the OW to feel better about himself.

Quote on Standing from Hero's Spouse:

Standing is about options. Though there is an implied intention of reconciliation, not everyone knows what they want or what they think they will want in the future. So instead of focusing on an intention of reconciliation; focus on keeping your mind open to the possibility without concern for probabilities. Though your mind may say No, acknowledge the possibility you may choose to change it in the future and the Standing Actions which help you to focus on your Self and learn to communicate with an MLCer can provide a safe path toward the option of reconciliation which you can accept or decline. Though Standing may be an action amidst a spouse's sins, focus instead on love, not that it is an act of love, but an act in love. As a Stander I stood for Sweetheart--the man I married and the man I believed he could and would become. I was not Standing for the MLC Monster. I stood for marriage, love, vows, beliefs...

Standing does not mean that you will remain married legally, nor do I advocate that as the end or primary goal; I advocate that you choose your own goals. There are many people who remain married in the eyes of the law and yet they no longer have a relationship as spouses or mates. How is that a marriage, you may ask? Perhaps it is not in your eyes (or mine), but someone else's marriage is not your marriage, let them call it what they will.

I am the same as you. I won't file, but if he does, I would make sure to take care of myself and my kids and move on even more with my life, including dating other people.

[GatorGirl]

Thank you so much for the quote from Hero...that makes things feel so much more clear and I agree with much of it. What I am doing at this point is self-preservation, which is very good, IMO. I have no idea what my H is doing, nor would finding out do me any good. I do think he is or was having an EA with the niece I mentioned before. What happens between them is not my concern, honestly.

My H has had issues with depression for our entire relationship. He ebbs and flows and has good times with it and bad times with it. He has taken medication but has ALWAYS consumed alcohol even when taking antidepressants. I don't think he could go a day without a drink. That's one of his demons that I cannot fight for him. I am sure he is depressed even though he denies it. I don't know what he does at night (when he doesn't have the kids) but he feels the need to share what he has done with the kids with me. For example, he sent me a text today to tell me he had taken them to the zoo. I usually keep our activities to myself and let the kids tell him what we've done over the weekend or whatever. I don't know what else to do with him.

So, at this point I guess I'm not really giving up as I'd thought. I'm standing. I'm working on me and believing in the vows I took, the promises I've made and I'm focusing on me until he makes the next move in this chess game. I admit that one of the things I miss the most is physical affection. Just holding hands, kissing hello and goodbye, daily hugs, all that kind of thing. I don't think I'd ever realized how much I needed that until it was completely ripped from me. I find the standing process frustrating simply because I crave that attention. One moment I am willing to wait for him and the next I'm ready to make out with one of my friends only because I feel so neglected. I haven't gone through with it but I'd be lying if I said the temptation wasn't there. I feel like its a bad idea though.

I don't know if I've mentioned my strange "signs" I've gotten in times of distress. I am spiritual and pray early and often. A month ago, I had lunch with my sister and we were talking about my relationship. I said how I still wanted him to come home and how hard it was and explained a little bit about our past to her. How things were fine and then blew up in my face. In the quiet moments at the table between us, I prayed that H and I would work it out somehow, someway. I paid for my lunch with cash and as the change was brought to me, a state quarter was staring me in the face. H is from SC and there was a SC quarter, tails up. It was minted in 2001-the year we were married. And when I saw it, I felt peaceful. Like for a moment, I knew it was all going to be ok, like he would eventually come home. I thought it was so weird and then the same day, I got a nickel in change from the year H was born. Again, staring me in the face. As these weird things keep popping up, I have a strange feeling in my gut about the month of April. Again, I can't explain it. There are moments when I think I have completely gone crazy. I wonder why!!

[ForeverYoung]

GG, I'm glad to hear you have decided to stand. 12 years of marriage is not something to just cut and run from.

I was cut off physically by my wife 9 months ago, so I understand your pain in this matter. GAL seems the only way around this.

Re temptation: Don't allow yourself to become so desperate for attention that you do something you later regret.

I really like your Christopher Robin sig line.

[Raine]

I so miss the affection too. My H was super affectionate, and I know I took that for granted, even getting annoyed at time when he always wanted more, and I felt like, "seriously can't I just get this thing done, I've already kissed you three times!" How stupid of me. It is so hard right now to not just hug him when I see him. I know I would feel terrible afterwards if got involved with someone else and not D. I'd be doing exactly what he has done.

I totally get what you mean about signs. I feel like someone/something/karma is looking out for me, or likely looking out more for him than me. I still can't believe that I pulled up right behind him and OW in a drive through and that's how he was caught. Of all the places to go, and all the times, why did I feel the need to go there? I don't think that happened for me, that happened for him. The reality thrown into his fantasy scared the crap out of him. Had that not happened, he likely would have gone down a path with her of no return, of complete misery. I do feel a peace. I feel that I and my children will be okay. I feel that we will be happy, but that is irregardless of H.

[GatorGirl]

FY,
I can't give up now-12 years is a long time. We've been together nearly 14 and I made a vow to stick it out "in sickness and in health" and this is surely sickness. It seems like too much to hope for to wait it out successfully. He is so distant, so removed from me (and I from him by my own choice) that the thought of him coming to me and telling me he's made a huge mistake just seems like a pipe dream. His MLC could not be over that quickly, heaven knows. However, I am sure that this is the right choice for moral reasons if nothing else. I made a vow and I am standing my ground until it's over. I did take my wedding rings off a month ago because I started to become afraid I would lose them because I've lost weight but didn't tell him why I took them off. He didn't ask so it probably doesn't matter. If he's that curious, he will bring it up.

You're right-if I did something with someone else just because I needed attention, I would probably immediately regret it. The worst part is that I'm one of those women that does NOT eat when stressed. I was a size 10 a year ago and am now a size 4 between purposefully losing 20 pounds at the beginning of the year and then another 15 because of this. I haven't been this size since college. I joke that it's the best gift he could have given me, preparing me so well for the dating world post-divorce. However, it's clear that men notice the difference and they have been very sweet in telling me it won't take long for me to hook someone new when I'm ready. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about that. I never thought I'd be thrown back into the dating pool and yet, here I am, practically standing on the edge of it, somewhat terrified but so tempted by all the attention. There are moments when I am still left shaking my head and wondering how this all happened.

I have a new job I started just a couple of weeks ago (which is amazing-it's my dream job) and I have been doing things just for me regarding GAL. I plan to start exercising again once the new year starts and I have a chance to get into some sort of routine with the new job and the kids schedules.

[GatorGirl]

I totally get what you mean about signs. I feel like someone/something/karma is looking out for me, or likely looking out more for him than me. I still can't believe that I pulled up right behind him and OW in a drive through and that's how he was caught. Of all the places to go, and all the times, why did I feel the need to go there? I don't think that happened for me, that happened for him. The reality thrown into his fantasy scared the crap out of him. Had that not happened, he likely would have gone down a path with her of no return, of complete misery. I do feel a peace. I feel that I and my children will be okay. I feel that we will be happy, but that is irregardless of H.

Being spiritual, I think God protects us and that is surely what it seems like happened to you that day. I honestly think you have a better shot at working it out than I do. My H has not asked to spend a single minute with me since he moved out. I'm not sure I know what that means but it feels like it can't be good. Hopefully he's spending the time alone actually working it out in his head but that might be too much to hope for. I am so curious about what's going on with him but resist the temptation to ask. In some ways I probably am better off not knowing. He has admitted to me that this has been painful for him, that he was 'losing himself' and felt like he was falling apart before he moved out. He said he doesn't feel like he is falling apart anymore. I can now see that those words are practically right off the MLC script and that it's part of the process. Maybe if I stand long enough and he doesn't file for divorce, I have a snowball's chance of this actually working out? I know God has a plan for me and I trust Him and that He will take care of me. He has ALWAYS taken care of me and I have faith that this will end up how it is supposed to, whatever that means. It's strange because I know that divorce is not of God and I believe that we have free will aside from what God wants for us. It will be interesting to see what wins out. And yes, we will all be ok. We will make it through and be strong and carry on with life as we know it from here on out.

Another weird thing I keep thinking of-H's father has not been well over the last few years. Diabetic, alcoholic, had a small stroke a few years ago that left him more or less numb on one side. What does another major loss do to those in MLC? The big difference with his dad would just be that it would be somewhat expected, unlike the murder of his BFF but loss upon loss is like pouring salt into an open wound. Are there any typical behaviors with another major event while in MLC? I know it's putting the cart before the horse but it worries me that he will really flip out if he loses his dad.

[TSquared2]

Hi GG,

The big difference with his dad would just be that it would be somewhat expected, unlike the murder of his BFF but loss upon loss is like pouring salt into an open wound. Are there any typical behaviors with another major event while in MLC? I know it's putting the cart before the horse but it worries me that he will really flip out if he loses his dad.

Well, I've read that sometimes it can be a "wake-up" event for them, OR, a big push further down the tunnel...don't know until it happens...

Hang in there!

T^2

[Raine]

MLC: It's all predictably unpredictable.