WAW...finally asked her to leave

[SolutionOriented]

Here's my thread as I started out as a newbie in June 2011 and stopped texting on here in June 2012.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...957#Post2257957

I'm not sure if the thread was copied and pasted correctly. So, a quick recap. My wife has been have an EA (yeah, right). I discovered at least one instance of a PA happening. Anyway, it's been going on for 8+ years and, finally, I saw her coming back to work from having lunch with OM (getting out of his car) on 20 Nov and told her she needed to leave. I had had enough and it was time for her to figure out what she wanted in life. She left on Friday, 7 December. So, life has been interesting but I have really focused on God, reading the Boundaries in Marriage book, and going over some DB chapters again. So, I came back to provide an update on my sitch and to help those who want it so they don't wait for 8+ years. It just took that long for my son to graduate high school and move on and.....yes, for me to get strong enough to ask her to leave since she showed no signs of stopping the affair.

[AJM]

Hi SO. I am glad you're moving forward, but may I ask - do you have any regrets in this situation? Sounds like you went through this for a very long time.

Peace,
AJ

[SolutionOriented]

Hi, AJM. I have regrets that I didnt' divorce bust sooner or at least stand up for myself. However, honestly, I needed to stop being selfish and prideful and thinking the world revolved around me. Once that was done it was moving to save my marriage which by then was even in more disrepair. So, no, I don't regret what's happening now. I do regret how it will hurt our children (S-19; D-23; D-24). Even though they are all adults now, they will still be affected by this. My W keeps telling me not to worry that everything is going to work out. She's called me more since she left last Friday then sheh has in quite some time. That's all fine and well, but as DBing goes only believe 50% of what you see and hear. I think it was the right move for her to 'get away' to figure things out as I am tired of living like we have been for the past 8+ years. It's now either him, me, or neither one of us. I will be fine (devastated, but..) if she doesn't choose me. I think I made a mistake by telling her this morning that I miss her. She is currently staying in a friends mom's empty house. We took a bed, heater, tv, her dresser, food, and other stuff over there last Thursday (8 Dec). She's been there since 9 Dec. So, she calls when she thinks of stuff she needs over there and if we do work things out we'll be moving into that place as its $1600 less a month. However, I have told her that when I move in there that it's just me and her.... so, if she's not over the OM then I'm not moving. Money is not the issue here it's her getting her head straight and if she can't honestly be true to me then I'm not moving and we'll have two places to pay for each month. Again, I don't care about the money but I do care about our marriage. Life is too short to continue to live like this so it's time to 'pee or get off the pot.' Sorry crude humor there.

Sorry for the long reply. Have a great day AJM

[AJM]

I'm glad you have a clear conscience and great perspective. Humor is always a good thing

Peace to you and yours,

AJ

[SolutionOriented]

Well, it's been rough lately. We decorated the outside of the house on Monday and decorated the tree last night. When I say we, I mean myself, wife, son, and MIL. So, we finally struggled and decorated the home, tree, and mailed out our Christmas cards to everyone. Now what?! I am so depressed. I just wish she would wake up and realize what she's about to give up. I say about because she has actually moved out now as stated earlier. It's what I wanted though so I can't complain, right?! I know we can't or couldn't continue living like we had been but I also know that it is hurting our son. Our two daughters who live in New York don't know about the separation. I also don't think my W has taken much time to think about "us" or her and OM due to the fact of having to move our friend and her 4 kids and mom to their new place and move some of our friends stuff to her mom's house where my W is currently staying. My wife's friends nephew has also been allowed to move back in to that house. They now have cable thanks to the nephews mom paying for it. So, now my W is asking my S to come over and visit and stay overnight with her. He isn't sure he wants to do that but he probably will because he loves her to death.

We were saying I love you to each other, but I'm not sure why my W was saying it as she has already told me that "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Same thing we've read on this board before. She then told me that the OM was looking into leaving his W now because my W has left me. I told her I couldn't compete with the 'Messiah' complex that I believe my W has because she always states that OM was there for her when she needed someone and I was not. I then told her that I knew that once OM left his wife that she would be leaving me for good. She stated that was not the case and she had not decided on that yet. That she didn't know what she was going to do.

So, I have stopped saying "I love you" to my W per the book and I have been going dark except when my wife calls and a couple times when I had to call her (for MIL needs and to make sure she got up this morning). Of course, she was late getting up this morning but also didn't return my call until after getting to work. Talking to OM I'm sure on the way into work. Anyway, I feel like an idiot for even calling this morning.

That's where I'm at today plus I've been fighting a cold all week and I'm behind in my class that ends this Monday night. I understand God has a plan for all of us and His ways are not our ways, but as a humble human being ...it just frustrates me sometimes because I know I am and can be the man my wife needs.

Have a great day AJM.

[SolutionOriented]

If we don't talk again. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I do try to get back to this site, though, as it does provide insight and encouragement. There are wonderful people on here. Thank you, again, AJM, for responding.

[SolutionOriented]

Well, I made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Wife came over Christmas Eve night and spent the next day with me, MIL, son, and his girlfriend. We had a good time. She has called me more then she was before leaving. However, it's been more about what are we going to do for Christmas and helping a friend of hers (divorcing with 4 kids) move. So, no phone call today but that's okay. I am just putting my faith in God and not calling W. I have really stuck for that except for maybe twice when I needed to call her due to MIL or something we were doing. Otherwise, in the almost 4 weeks that she has been gone I have tried to remain 'dark.' New Years is coming up and so is her birthday (10 Jan). It is hard during the holidays and her birthday. I am just trying to stay positive and remain 'dark.'

Have a great day

[AJM]

Hey SO. Just a quick note to let you know I'm still following. I went back and read your original posts. Have you lately? Have you read them as an outsider watching somebody else's life? If so, what do you see? How does that make you feel? What would you tell that guy that's posting? How does that differ than what you want?

I think you're doing the right things. And I think your sanity and clarity are coming back

Steady on.

AJ

[AnotherStander]

SO, it sounds like your thoughts are still very focused on your W. The best thing you can do for yourself and for your M is to completely detach to the point of moving on. When you get to the point that you realize you will be fine and have a great life whether that involves your W or not then you'll be in the place you need to be. It takes different amounts of time for different people, for me it took about 2 months after W moved out before I got there. That's not to say that I never think about W, only that no matter what she says or does I remain happy because my life no longer depends on her in any way, shape or form. So how do you detach? Well like DR says, get out, GAL. Work on yourself. Join a gym. Reach out to old friends. Make new ones. Pick up old hobbies and start new ones. Do things that make you happy. Stop focusing on your wife, let her fade to the background while you focus on yourself. Good luck!

[SolutionOriented]

Wow. I was hoping someone out here was still reading my posts. Thank you both so much. You are both correct. AJM, I am doing better. I get my BSB(GBM) on 11 Feb 2013 and am thinking heavily on starting on my MBA. However, AnotherStander, you are correct, too, in that I still do 'think about W and R and get depressed about it' as I did last night and again this morning. I am trying to reconnect with old friends. I have also started going back to church and trying to reconnect spiritually with fellow Christians. I am also going to be getting my motorcycle permit on 14 Jan. So, yes, even though I do fall back at times I do try to continue to move forward.

Yesterday, my S and GF wanted to go see a movie. So, it was a movie my W and I wanted to see with them but didn't take the time. I ended up inviting W and two other friends of hers (M and F) if they wanted to go. They did. So, the six of us went to the movies and had a good time. My s and GF then departed with me and W left with her two friends. I must say I was upset that W checked phone during movie for text or call from OM. That had to be it because the one's that contact her most other then OM were at the movie. Anyway, that sent me into a depression spiral that I'm just now trying to get out of. That makes me mad because I have made a significant 180 in telling her she needed to leave and letting her go late last month and earlier this month. So, to let her 'phone check' get to me like this has upset me. I am doing better and have not called her anymore other than mentioned. When she called me earlier and I did mention the movie I did follow up with text. One was to answer her text and second one was to let her know of time and place for movie. Other than that, though, no phone calls or text from me. However, she stills plays a game with me on our cell phones. I don't 'bug' her when I'm waiting a response on the game, but she continues to play so I see that as a 'light' going dark thing.

What do ya'll think about that? I do not initiate any calls or texts so I'm continuing that. She calls me (or texts) or we don't talk.

I have also started going to gym, so I'm trying. I will go back and read those blog entries and get back to you AJM.