My wife wants to separate

[GH31]

Here's an example of where I disagree, smashing a child's toy with a sledge hammer. That to me shows a level of anger and violence that would be unacceptable to me. No matter the circumstance, it is intimidation.

You have a point here labug.

It's definitely over the top. Dare I say a sledge hammer to crack a nut?

However, SM34 cannot allow his adulterous wife to spend their money on gifts for her adultery partner's children. Nor can he allow gifts that OM purchased to be in their house. His wife cannot possibly respect him if he allows this.

He can still remove them, calmly, silently and unflappably - and in my mind he should.

I found different things connected to my wife's affair in our house. To be honest, I felt they were just as offensive as SS memorabilia would have been had I been Jewish. It's an extreme example but exactly how I felt at the time and probably how SM34 feels right now.

[GH31]

Is it possible to have a new relationship that is supposed to be replacing one that is supposedly sex starved (once I week or more I made sure she orgasmed) with a relationship where you don't orgasm at all??

Yes.

My wife's OM couldn't get it up without taking those magic pills and it didn't work very well even then apparently.

That didn't stop her being "in love" with him and carrying on an affair for 18 months, even if she wanted to start having sex with me again after a few months.

You seem obsessed with this orgasm thing. SM34, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE SEX!

The women here will correct me if I'm wrong but it's probably a far more emotional thing for her than a sexual one. If it were just about the orgasms she wouldn't be doing it.

BTW all that utterly deranged behaviour you mentioned above is completely "normal" for women (and men) when they're active in affairs.

GH31

[SM34]

I think I agree with you that it is emotional. Just as a man who A is in an affair, I am focusing too much on the sex. So, since we have established that it is emotional, is my strategy the same? I should be fun and living and supportive but more importantly emotionally 'available'. That way when I pull away later, she will have a harder time relying ailey on OM for her emotional.needs.

It makes sense that it is emotional because she hadn't even slept with him yet and she was already wanting a divorce. Without even trying the goods, so to speak.

So the sex is for him at this point, because she told me she didn't care.that she can't orgasm.

I kept help feeling lately that she is keeping me as plan B. I guess that is the reality isn't it? I know plan B is better so it doesn't bother me, but I need.tiff move on this soon.

[MrBond]

SM34,

I left a message for you on another post that you had "advised" on. It is a gross misinterpretation that there is another person whenever there is the ILYBNILWY speech. I suggest you don't spread things around until you've actually researched relationships in general and not just what you read on posts on the internet.

The fact that you didn't understand that to a woman, the emotional connection is much stronger than the physical shows your lack of understanding. Keep reading and learning.

[SM34]

Yes you are right, it depends on the situation. However, when the wife is financially reliant on the husband, and all of a sudden she is claiming to not be in love with her husband, I think it is safe to say there is someone else MOST of the time. I have read many psychology books lately, and I know ebough to kow that a woman who is not financially self sufficient will not risk ruining her marriage without having a backup plan. After all, they are not dumb!

Now a woman who has a strong career, and good self esteem could very easily give that speech and be willing to suffer the consequences without having someone to escape with.

I think I know the post you are talking about and I will find it now and put in a correction of my position. I believe that person was also saying that like my W, his wife was NOT financially secure. In those cases I would be willing to bet my money that there is another guy filling her head with false confidence!

But I will find that post now, and add a disclaimer that this is my opinion after all my research, and that person is free to believe whatever he wants.

Mr Bond, I aplogize if I may be mis guiding people. But I always state somewhere that I am not a pro. I have only been in this situation a matter of weeks, and would never claim to know everything. I probably did not clarify that this is my opinion though and for that I apologize.

MrBond, since I see you have a lot of experience, would you mind offer me your opinions, advice etc on what I should do? Please read my sitch on page 1.

Thanks!

[MrBond]

Wrong again.

Women will leave you if they don't feel that their emotional needs are met. An A is a possible symptom but not all the time. Many will even go for a guy who makes much less but will emotionally fulfill them if that's the case.

I don't know what "websites" you're looking at, but try opening up a book every now and then.

" and it makes perfect sense TO ME."

You've got much more to learn about male and female relationships. I'll read over your sitch as soon as I can.

[SM34]

MrBond. I am how much clearer I can be. You say a woman will leave a man if her emotional needs are not met. Yes that is correct, I know from experience!

You say a wish will often affair with a man who makes less money than her husband if he meets her emotional needs. Correct. I know from experience. In fact, because women who feel neglected normally suffer from an inferiority complex.or self. Issues, they will actually most likely go for someone who makes less and is generally lesser than their husband so they can be the best thing he could have dreams of and therefore will be fully anterior to her needs. Again, I am speaking from experience.

So we agree this far. Now here is where I add my opinion and this is where it seems you do not agree. They will NOT leave a coasting marriage and go out on their own if their financial situation is not sound. They need someone to run away with! He may not have enough money or enough income for the both of them, but there has to be someone else for her to have the courage to walk away. Not sure how you can disagree with anything I have said. Have you heard of a stay at home mom leaving a not so bad marriage to go live alone under a bridge? If there is drug or alcohol abuse or physical abuse that is different. I am talking about a loving marriage but lacks something in the emotional department.

I have read many books and made notes. I will try to supporting evidence and site it later tonight or tomorrow.

In any case, if I am wrong please enlighten me. But there is no need to insult my intelligence by suggesting that I open a book sometime. I have read a book a night over the last few weeks!

Please read my sitch and offer 'constructive' advice and strategy for me to move forward and also any reading material you may suggest. I am always open to suggestions especially from veterans.

Thanks.

[SM34]

Sorry for the typos! My phone autocorrect ...

[MrBond]

" They will NOT leave a coasting marriage and go out on their own if their financial situation is not sound."

Wrong. If they want to leave, they leave.

"They need someone to run away with! He may not have enough money or enough income for the both of them, but there has to be someone else for her to have the courage to walk away."

Wrong again. Not just through research but from people who have posted here and elsewhere for almost 5 years. When a woman is done. She's done. She doesn't necessarily need someone to leave with.

"Not sure how you can disagree with anything I have said."

You can't make blanket assumptions like that. Especially when you're so new.

"Have you heard of a stay at home mom leaving a not so bad marriage to go live alone under a bridge?"

Now you're exaggerating. I never said they would live in poverty or whatever you're implying. I said they leave without necessarily having someone in the wings. It's a fact. You're dealing with an A issue. I get it. I understand your perspective, but you can't say that applies to everyone. The sooner you get that, the sooner you'll be able to sort out your sitch.

Oh and BTW, there is no such thing as a "not so bad marriage". A statement like that is based on an individual's perception. What YOU might not perceive as "not so bad" may not be what your W thinks. In fact, that's why men's and women's priorities are different.

[SM34]

Ok man!. I give up. For the third.time, can you offer some constructive ? Or better yet, some actual advice? I don't care to argue.with you at this point. What do I do, what do I read, how do I learn. Your attitude.seems to be very common from some veterans. I get that you provide wake up calls.gif.people, but please.try to.balance.your.aerogant negativity with some.positive advice sometimes.