Busting, Andrew, I'm so glad you guys are there. I'm about to finish the letter. I have till Saturday to read it over and over and decide whether I will give it to him.
Jody would say that it's okay to express my feelings, but I don't know what else she would say. Wendylon said my H felt so comfortable around me bc of the D being in process. But if just continue doing what I'm doing I'm setting myself up for a quick D and then being "friends" with my XH until he enters a new R. Which sounds so unappealing. I thought I could handle it, but this email made me realize my true feelings. If I tell him my feelings before the D is final I have a 0.000000000000000000001% chance that he'll say we'll give it more time. It's like playing the lottery. Is it worth it?
Glad you have time to read, reflect, rewrite and so forth.
If in the end, giving him the letter will hive you the peace of mind that you have done EVERYTHING humanly possible to save your M, then is say you'd win the lottery. . For now though, take the time you have and then make a decision later. . Maybe a "miracle" will happen before then, maybe the "cosmos" will speak to you in a different way. Now I may be being "too new-agey". . Hang in there and keep us posted.
New-agey is good. They new age people would tell me to allow and let go.
I will ask the L if I can at least avoid going to court on the case management date (1/22) and do things through the clerk. I was doing some research, and I think it can be done.
The letter is really good, but I will read it many more times before deciding what to do. I wish I had six months or so to DB. The trip to CA will help, bc I'll spend all this time with his family, but it's right before the case management date. And hanging out with him more would help too.
I don't have six months. I only have a few weeks. Two months of the waiting period were lost bc we had no contact...nothing to be done about that.
Some wisdom that another board poster shared with me as I was coming up to my D date... "It's never over until they say 'I do' to someone else"...
so it will feel like the clock is running out but it's an arbitrary clock. Sort of like the fiscal cliff It's real, it can happen, but the next day things aren't all that dramatically different.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Thank you, WHG for the post--your first on my thread!...I appreciate it.
My H texted me today to ask about a movie I told him I would see (to see if I had liked it) and called while I was at work but didn't leave a message. I texted him back but won't call. He's definitely thinking about me more--or at least showing it more.
I thought about this some more, and this is what I've come up with (so far.)
1. If the L office hadn't emailed me, today would've been just a normal day. It was the awareness of my reality that made me freak out. 2. I'm not comfortable with the proximity of the date (I want to have more time to continue my positive interactions with my H and to visit his family--which is a key factor in the equation based on our previous issues.) So I will meet with the L next week (he's out this week bc his mom passed away) and will ask him to delay the final date as much as possible. Maybe I can get an extra month, which is better than nothing. 3. I'm not comfortable going to the court--I actually DREAD it. So I will ask the L if I can avoid the 1/22 case mgmt. date and see if there is a way I can sign some form of release so he can take my place during the final sign off or if I can go to the court on my own on a separate day. I know the final result is the same, but I would feel better anyway. 4. Don't want to stop DBing/ruin the whole friendship thing, so I will not give the letter to my H. He will see this letter as another attempt to "Change his mind." I remember Jody's words about a 5 year old who refuses to eat peas, and when we turn around, he tries a pea. We say, "Wow! You're eating your peas!" What does the kid do? Spit it out. 5. That said, I do want to explore the "being confused" statement, so this weekend, when I see him, I hope he says it again, and I will ask casually what he means by it. Depending on his reaction, I will ask more. And if things seem right, I will ask if he's having second thoughts about the divorce. If he says yes, that would be awesome (will try to talk about it more.) If he says no, then I'll drop the subject entirely. 6. My H and I need a lot of time to get that closeness/trust back, and the D might have to happen before we are there. If my H hadn't filed, things would be a lot different, but he filed. So DBing might have to continue after D--even though I think the chances of turning things around considerably drop.
How does this sound? I still have one more day to think about this.
What WHG said is true. If there was an automatic D button that I pressed right now, not much would change except for my official marital status.
My H just texted me again saying he spent the day looking at old pictures. My reply: "Any pictures worth sharing? Hope they brought good memories!"
First time he admitted looking at our pictures. He had left all reminders of me behind.
Oh, he just called-----------
Okay. Off the phone. He called to tell me he was looking at a video he made for me for my b-day 2 years ago, and that it was sentimental. I just listened and said that I really appreciated that gesture. Didn't know what to else say to that.
Then I mentioned I wanted to go to the comedy club on New Year's eve but none of my friends wanted to go. He said, "I can go with you, if you want." So I said yes and will get tickets. He said he has a party to go after but that it should work out, and that this was Level-3 friend activity. Then he added he would not try to touch me in a level-6 way anymore.
Sigh. This confirms my thought to not give him the letter on Saturday...
You really thought this through on your own, you and I tend to post until we come to conclusions, don't we??
Some positive things going on, looking at photos and videos etc. wendy could be right, he is allowing himself to explore his feelings more since he feels D is imminent maybe? I think it is a good thing. He feels safer in this place so he can allow himself to maybe look at the good stuff as well.
Tori, I’m truly impressed with your plan, especially the part about asking the L to buy you guys some more time, and also exploring your husband’s “being confused” statement. Maybe if you’re able to get more of his thoughts on this you can come up with some additional ways to add to this second guessing he seems to be having.
This has got to be an incredibly stressful week for you. Please take extra care of yourself… get plenty of rest, eat well, and get some exercise. Maybe treat yourself to a massage or spa treatment too! (((( ))))
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
. For now though, take the time you have and then make a decision later. 
. Maybe a "miracle" will happen before then, maybe the "cosmos" will speak to you in a different way. Now I may be being "too new-agey".