I interacted with X on Saturday. The county auditor sent a refund check to me. I forwarded it to X so she could determine how she was contributing to accessing the money it represented. I had sat on it for about a week trying to determine this myself and finally decided to make it her responsibility. I was prepared to write the whole thing off if it came to that.
We met at her bank and while waiting in line we spoke casually. I was neither warm nor cold responding to her inquires. I did not wish to volunteer information. I was relaxed during most of it. She was unnaturally happy and bubbly. I do not know if this was nerves or delusion. Most of her comments were directed toward how great her relationship is with our Son, DIL and GD.
I do not know how true that is, perhaps they have mended fences. I hope so provided it remains healthy for them to maintain the relationship.
Most of the extended family began gathering at SIL1 house on Sunday. I was invited to family breakfast and spent several pleasant hours with them. The eldest niece brought her new BF home to meet family over the Thanksgiving holiday.
I have been invited to participate in Thanksgiving with family at SIL2 house. X, SIL1 and SIL2 are not friendly yet. X has decided to host her own Thanksgiving celebration. Although my presence is a factor in the strain a deeper cause is X’s insistence everyone must support her and her decisions.
The crazy dance continues. I stand on the sidelines and watch. I am not prepared to move on. This is my family also and moving on feels like abandoning them. At this juncture abandoning these relationships feels like martyrdom.
I am not a martyr. I am JS. Over 30 years I have been father, brother, and friend. This is my post. I still have something to teach and the kids are watching.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
My Danish friends refer to Thanksgiving as “”That turkey day”. It is not a holiday they understand well and that is ok as I really don’t understand Hans Christian Andersen day. I do appreciate the whit Montag aspect of their holidays and wish we could adopt the philosophy in the states.
Last year I dreaded an aspect of the Thanksgiving celebration. The one where we express what we are thankful for. I was grateful that this tradition was not adhered to last year.
I have prepared something for this year and I am in a better frame of mind. One aspect is that X and I shared about 27 mostly happy years. They weren’t prefect (what ever is) and in that time we both occasionally did some pretty destructive things. IDK, perhaps I have forgiven myself as I can find few regrets looking back.
I am thankful for the guidance, mentorship, compassion and the occasional 2X4 I have received here. I am thankful for the friendship and love I have received.
Happy Thanksgiving, and to my Canadian friends I hope your celebration last month was joyous.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
X was required to pay her half of our debts enabling me to refi the house getting her name off the deed and freeing up funds for more GAL activities. I am still waiting for X's L to distribute the “FRACKING” funds.
Today he replied to my email stating he had sent checks to the various creditors 10 days ago. I see no evidence this has occurred.
Soooooo tomorrow I'll speak with my L again about what my options are.
On a brighter note I completed a firearms safety class last weekend and applied for membership in the sportsmen club it was held at. I believe I could have taught the class, but my time was not wasted as my attendance allowed me to meet several members and evaluate the grounds.
And, and I received a service award from my employer (30 years) so there will be a little Christmas money.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Do they ever come out of the fog and step off the crazy train?
It's been two and a half years. She's only hurting her relationships with her family. I should not care and I do.
I just put our GD to sleep. S and DIL are out for a date. X is not trusted to do this simple act. I know how much she wanted to be a part of our grandchildrens lives. She's blowing these opportunities.
I know I can't fix this. Hell I can't even tell her how much she's screwing up. All I can do is support family that accepts it and look to my interests. I feel pretty crappy doing it.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Ahhh the emotions stirred by these holidays. People place such import on perfection they cause themselves such angst.
I had a very good holiday. I spent time with my mother and my in-laws. I participated in the Slavic Christmas Eve my in laws host. I consumed a little more cheer than I should have, however I comported myself well.
My mother in law decided not to attend. She stated X has ruined Christmas, strangely the rest of us muddled on and seemed to have a good time. If she wishes to be a victim and have a snit in the corner she will. An old friend of mine used to say “You’ll have that” when confronted with drama stupidly, I am attempting to adopt the same level of detachment.
On the other hand my S drank too much, became morose while his wife drove home and turned inward. DIL called me and asked me to help her with him. I spent the next several hours consoling him and after we got him in the rack spoke further with DIL.
S is under a great deal of pressure to perform his assigned tasks. S feels guilty about the role he played when X left. S feels betrayed by his mother. S feels frustrated he cannot “fix” his mother, her relationship with his wife, himself, and the rest of the family.
What frightened his wife was his statement about being tired of all this sh!t and wanting to just end it all. He did not make this statement to me, but we removed weapons from their apartment that night. DIL said he was fine the next day after sleeping it off. I will become more intrusive in their lives and if I think I see any indication he will harm himself I will act. I will follow DIL’s lead here. She is sensitive to the potential risk and this is where she lives. I do not believe today is a day to act. I suspect there is little here to worry about, however I did not make it this far being an ostrich.
On the bright side, DIL and I are deepening a relationship. She is not seeing the villain I was portrayed as. She is seeing X struggling through her fog. She does not see the fog X is struggling with. She thinks X is bat sh!t crazy and behaving like an ass. I am not contributing to that perception. On the contrary I speak of good memories and time we shared. I find this is making it harder for me to stay detached, but so far I am managing.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
You continue to do well in your sitch. I know it's hard.... traveling the high road is a life choice that extends past our M, Past our D.. it will forever be a constant decision we make in regards to our x's.
It's interesting... when we chose to take the high road in our sitch - I don't think we realized how life changing it can be. I don't think we understood that us choosing love in difficult times would influence our relationships with others around us.
I remember there was a time when you and DIL didn't have much a relationship... but you were kind, patient, and compassionate. You created a safe place and well here she is....
Yes... it probably does come at the expense of you heart because it is slowing down the detachment process....
... but can you see yourself handling life any other way now? Can you think of another way to receive love other than by showing it first?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Some people think I am too nice, I don’t. I have boundaries, internal ones I will not cross and external ones I maintain for my peace of mind. I have been a long time getting this far and there is more journey to travel. I find many people on these boards have valuable approaches. I learn a little from many. More from some than others and apply what seems to fit. It is a process.
I am not a saint. I am formulating a revenge of sorts. I plan on living longer, healthier and happier than she does. I do not need to flaunt it. I do not need to compete with her. I just need to do it and believe I have. It is up to me and me alone. I liken it to distance running.
Hey Val,
To respond to your question, no not really.
We are social creatures. The quality of our lives are enhanced by the quality of the connections we share with others. Others need not be human for instance, the quality of my life is enhanced by the connection I have with my dog. Lest I come off as pet hoarder I value far greater the quality of the connections I have with other humans. Some people get by with quantity. I value quality far more.
I need to be genuine to achieve quality.
You’re right I have made progress establishing a R with DIL, my GD also. She’s furniture walking, verbalizing and mimicking. She recognizes and approaches me. She has not climbed into my lap of her own accord yet, but soon she will.
Journaling:
S actually had three days in a row off and seemed to let go of some of his tension. A little R & R is always helpful. DIL has encouraged less alcohol. The upshot of which is I inherited a fifth of Grey Goose. I’ll check in this weekend during GD 1st B Day party. The little girl will be a year old in less than a week. I am still shopping for a B-day present.
After a long hiatus I have begun to remove vestiges of X from the house. I’ve started at one end of the kitchen and will work through each cupboard and drawer as time permits. There are nine drawers containing misc. items. In the house I grew up in we referred to this as a junk drawer. I expect to consolidate quite a bit. Sadly I found reminders in each of the first four, photographs and such. There were two small notebooks containing thoughts, tarot card readings and such. Like a scab I picked at as a child I read a few entries. Bad move. Doing so sent me on a brief ride. I am better now. Five more to go.
I picked up snowshoes last spring at a close out sale. These have become useful with the recent weather. DIL was the most surprised by my use of the shoes. It has been over thirty years. It is like riding a bicycle, easier actually.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Saturday while I was out and about my DIL called and asked if I’d like to hang out. So I adjusted my errands and included her and GD in a short shopping trip to the local warehouse store. Just before we left their apartment GD climbed into my lap without prompting and handed me a toy. I took this as significant, but then I am a Grandfather and everything GD does is significant.
Sunday was GD’s first B-day party. I gave her parents a potty chair and a gift card to purchase her something. I didn’t think she needed anymore toys even the ones purported to teach. So I opted for practical. This was not a leap. She doubtless will need clothes as she grows and the next size up is 18 months, so a few outfits will drift her way in the upcoming months.
I went to the party arriving just as X was getting out of her car. I had gone through the entire range of emotions anticipating she would attend. In the end I attended for myself, GD, S and DIL. To do less would have been chickenshit and I would regret it. The D is still affecting both of us. I was subdued and X did not acknowledge my presence or make eye contact the entire time we were at the party. I was the last person to leave. In retrospect I should have offered to help cleanup, but the kids seemed to want everyone out and I acted upon what I thought was a non verbal clue.
I meet with a loan officer today to refinance the house. It is the last requirement of the judgment entry. I have about 45 days left to complete it. I’m feeling neutral about this whole aspect. Just going through the mechanics of getting this accomplished. I hope to finally feel free of this mess and unencumbered move forward with my plans.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
