New to the forum, WAH 10/3/12

[notsurewhat2do]

Christmas was good. H came over around 9:00 am Christmas morning and stayed till 10:15. He left after eating 2 helpings of my breakfast casserole saying he knew we needed to get to my parents house (which was true - but he could have stayed longer). I gave him the head for his electric razor (from me only, not me and DD) and DD gave him leather Sperry's. He seemed to appreciate both. I got nothing from him and knew I wouldn't. He had told DD that he wasn't getting me anything. He and I sat at the kitchen table to eat breakfast. I asked about his hunting trip and we talk about the deals the hunting club is making with sponsors, etc. Small talk, but I acted super interested. I tried to sound encouraging and upbeat.
I had one breakdown while getting ready Christmas Eve for dinner. Its a tradition that we've been doing for 21 years with my parents. It was hard to think about H not going with us. But I knew it wasn't fair for DD or my parents. We went to a different resturant and did things a little different than usual. So it was all good.
I think part of H's reason for leaving was me not being supportive of his hunting dreams. H wants to make it "big" in the hunting world. It started out him wanting us (both of us) to be big in the hunting world. But the more he pushed that, the less I wanted to hunt. Hunting for me was fun and a hobby. He is obessed with filming hunts and trying to get them on TV. I wanted no part of that. I wouldn't even learn how to film his hunts because he was so critical of everything, that I knew I would never do it right. So I refused to learn and I told him why. So I'm almost certain if you ask H he is going to say I wasn't supportive of his dreams. What I wanted was something that was going to support us. It's great to have a dream, but at some point, you have to realize that your dreams need to be put on the back burner for your family. I never told him he could dream, I just said we needed to do something to get out debt.
I also just think H was so unhappy with himself that he couldn't be happy with me or our marriage. I'm okay with that. What hurts me is that he didn't talk to me about it, knowing that I'd have faith everything would turn out okay. And turning to the OW was his way of putting such a barrier between us that he thinks I would never take him back (because he wouldn't if the situation was reversed). So she is his saftey net. OW isn't demanding yet. She is like a roomate with benefits. She is his "girlfriend" and that is exciting to him. I get that too.
My plan now is to forgive him. I believe in order to heal, I have to forgive. It will be hard and I won't ever forget, but I can eventually forgive. And eventually forgive OW too. She will never be my friend and I think it will take me longer to forgive her, but I feel like he is lying to her as much as me. And I hate that for her also.

I am not a mean or hateful person. It's just not my nature and goes against who I am deep down. I've not hit the super angry phase of grieving yet. And I'm not sure I ever will. Every time I do something out of anger, I regret it and now stop and think about it. I regret saying a lot of things I've said to H. I regret slinging everything off his dresser and breaking a beautiful frame that DD and I gave H several years ago. So, I try to stop and think who is it benefiting for me to be ugly and angry? Nobody! It will destroy what little relationship I have left with H. It will show DD that it's okay to be angry all the time, to do and say things out of anger. It's just not who I want to be. I don't want to be the bitter, resentful woman. I want to be the woman who lived through a divorce and came out a better person for it!