Tori, I would go with the middle strategy and ask him more if he discloses more on that topic. Move slowly when it comes to asking him to elaborate. He knows you don't want to D, right? Maybe, the R is going well at the moment partly because he feels safer knowing that D is on the horizon.
He sends so many mixed signals. Must be very confusing for you.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
He might back away again to not give me "hope" and might stop sharing his feelings.
The current R is good. Don't want to spoil it.
Have you decided if you want to remain married to him? That’s what you should base your course of action on.
He’s already on a fast track to D you. I don’t see how worrying about spoiling the present R matters here, unless you want a friendly D, and to remain friends through it all and immediately afterwards.
If you want to save the marriage you buy time. Ask him about his confusion/reservations and ask for a delay in the process so you both can decide what you really want. You do have a say in this.
His perception of you and the M will not change next week, but it may months down the road.
Never mind him, what do you want?remember when he said you were too nice?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thank you Wendylon and FY. I've been thinking about this, and I have to agree with Wendylon. My H finally relaxed around me bc he knows the D is in progress. He is not afraid of "sending the wrong signals" even though he continues sending these mixed messages. It's true that he would've said something or just avoid the financial talk altogether if he had wanted to delay the process. He even asked if I could change my return trip so we wouldn't have to change the case management date! He can't wait.
FY, to answer your Q, I do want a friendly relationship during and after D (at least until it doesn't feel right anymore.) For example, if he got into a R with another woman, I would not want to be friends anymore, and I think he would probably stop calling me/seeing me this much. If I got into a new R, I would also stop contacting him. Why do I accept the friendship now? BC it feels like it's my only chance to save our future together.
What I'm leaning toward is asking him to elaborate if he mentions the confusion again. The D might be final in less than 2 months, so I doubt we'll be stopping it, unless a miracle happens. I've been hoping for the miracle since he said he was moving out a year ago...I've been loving, nice, fun, etc. No change. So the D is actually the only real change in our dynamics. It's just that I'm afraid of it. I don't want it, and as much as I just want to allow it, it's hard.
The L just sent a form to make the D final on 2/1. I asked to make the date later. I'm a mess. I don't want this. I guess I'm not good at "allowing" after all :-(
But what can I do? It's not my nature to be a b!tch. I was thinking about writing about my feelings again and giving the letter to him when I see him on Saturday. Maybe it's bc I'm so sad now. I told myself I would have to come up with an alternative, so what am I going to say? Let's keep the status quo? He said he wanted to be free to date other women and that's why he filed. I thought about proposing a legal separation, but then he'll say the same, that he's not 100% free. I wonder. All these things are going through my head.
I was doing so well, but then the email from the L came and I realized this IS HAPPENING. I even googled whether I can just not show up to court. I don't want to do this.
Aww Tori, I'm so sorry to hear that you're not doing well. Totally understandable. Reality bites sometimes. Go ahead and write your thoughts and feelings down. You know it will at least help you process everything and you don't have it to give it to him right way or at all. I'll be checking in more frequently today.. post whatever you need to. Do what is RIGHT for You! ((( Tori )))
I'm writing a letter right now. It's 100% honest. I might be digging my own DB grave, but this is what I need.
It's just that the letter has no substance. It's just my feelings. For the first time, I don't have a suggestion or a solution. I've got nothing. Thought about scheduling a session with Jody, but she's out till next week. I wonder what she would say.
Tori write the letter and sit with it for awhile. I feel for you so much because I feel very similar feelings as you.
I know you have heard this before but I still remind myself of this. DB is counterintuitive - it won't feel right always- but it is the best we can do in our sitches.
Xxx
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Your feelings are great substance. Maybe not having a suggestion is the solution. Sit on the letter for awhile once you're done with it. Then reread / reprocess it. As the good writer you are, simply make a rough draft.
Jody is new to me (1 call), but you two are more familiar. What do you think she would say?
