Changing Directions

[mamabird]

Breakdown...

To me, this sounds like you are trying to minimize OM and shrug off some of the blame (I really hope you aren't at this point, but it sure sounds like it).

I've been here long enough, you know me well enough by now to know that I've taken the blame for the OMs and that I acknowledge how hurtful it must have been to H.

Maybe in that one blurb I didn't come across as contrite, and honestly, I don't live in the space where I am flagellating myself all the time for f*cking up. I can't live there. Besides, I get plenty of punishment from H on a day in, day out basis so why would I need to pile on more? That is the space that I am trying to get out of. But I am regretful about all of it, hence the name.

That said, none of this happened in a vacuum. I re-read my old OM1 journals, and I realized I had been swimming upstream for years. I wanted so much to be a good wife and to push OM1 away, and every time I did that the universe brought him back. Besides that, I was desperate for love and affection, and instead I got the silent treatment and criticism, neglect and emotional abuse.

I really only wanted to be friends with OM1, and I didn't allow us to be in contact until my M was strong enough so that we could be friends. So I have a hard time "taking blame" for that one, though I will say I know it hurt H for me to have had those feelings for OM1.

OM2, I have no excuse... that was just me being sh!tty.

I am quite sure that your list would match H's list very closely. I spent 5 weeks and almost $1000 listening to what H had to say, and tried to validate it for him. He does not feel like I have "owned" my behavior, when in fact I feel that I have. I have to say now, that I was willing to listen, but I wanted to ACTIVELY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, and H did not. Therefore, I do not want to listen to it again. I have heard, I have acknowledged. So now what? As you know, I was willing to do just about anything in order to get our M back on track for good, but now, H has shown me that he doesn't want that.

So:

I know you don't like your H saying you cheated on him, because most people associate that with sex. But flip it....how do you think he should describe it? How much detail do you want him to go into? If the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel about it?

This is a really good and fair question. What angers me is that H chose to tell the entire world our business, and he said it in a way that makes me look like a whore.

The truth, as I see it, is that we had a lot of problems in our M. I did fall in love with someone else. I did, at least, I thought I had, or felt I had at the time. If he went around saying that, I wouldn't feel as bad because it's much closer to the truth. The truth is, we went to counseling, and maybe I didn't try as hard as I could have. The truth is that neither of us changed our behavior like we needed to. And OM2, well, he can tell people I was sexting because it is the truth. H's narrative does not include him doing anything wrong, btw. He was the model H in his mind.

He feels like I cheated on him, but he will not allow me to make it right. And I think he's doing that to hurt/punish me.

If the shoe were on the other foot, I wouldn't have told very many people ANYTHING. My closest friends and family might have known the truth, but no one except my sister and one close friend knew about OM2, and sis had no idea things were so awful at home. I do not really share that stuff. I probably would have said that H and I were having some problems and left it at that. It is no one's business, and at the end of the day, I respect myself (and H) too much to drag his name through the mud. The fact that H told everyone our business is a major mark against him, and points to his lack of respect (something I had also flagged in my 2009 journal).

[mamabird]

Now, on to more fun stuff - IC and GAL...

In IC, we talked about next steps for me. IC validated that I had really done a lot to put things back together and that it was time for me to "get out of limbo." I am excited about that, excited about the thought of moving forward in my career, in my life, in my relationships. We do need to work on my insecurities and self-esteem though, so that we don't end up in an OM3 situation... IC is a real lifeline for me.

After IC, I went to the mall and it was Merry Xmas to me. I needed some retail therapy. Now I won't have to feel like a bag lady. Ok, not that I did, but it's nice to have a few new things. I also sprung for some sexy underwear! Go me!

H had given me a little grief about all the plans I had been making without his consent, so when I got home I discussed some plans with him and he informed me he was going out Saturday night. I did not mention that he was now doing to me the same thing that he asked me not to do (making plans without asking me if I could be around for the boys) and I did not ask what his plans were, although it was very tempting and I had to tell myself internally not to ask. At one point he had agreed that he would not be dating anyone while we were still under the same roof, but I would not be surprised if OW were back. Trying very hard not to care.

On the other hand, I took off my wedding ring today and I don't think I will put it back on. I do still love my H but at this point it feels more like handcuffs than a sign of love and commitment. It felt like an empowering thing to do, a somewhat symbolic step as I continue to detach and walk away from him.

[mamabird]

Oh, last thing:

I want to feel happy like that again.


Tell me what's stopping you without using "H" in the sentence.

Few things are stopping me right now:
- Not having a clear foreseeable future
- Not feeling at peace with my sitch
- Feeling trapped for the time being
- Financial worries

In a nutshell, I feel like there's a bit of a dark cloud hanging over me, and I'm trying to get out from under it. It would be very, very, VERY difficult for me to be blissful under our current conditions - me having to live w H. I am trying to learn to just ignore him, and that gets me to the point of stable and functional, but hardly blissfully happy.

I am ready to embrace happiness though, and I am starting to walk down the yellow brick road as we speak. Seeing the goal, feeling the goal and knowing that being here is not working anymore is a great step forward. I know that my happiness is really up to me.

[bustingout]

Hang in there Regretful. You are right, our happiness is really up to us at the end of the day. I understand.

I hope you are doing well today.

(((( )))))

[dorightman]

Regretful, why does detaching mean you have to lose the wedding ring?

[Breakdown]

I want to feel happy like that again.


Tell me what's stopping you without using "H" in the sentence.

Few things are stopping me right now:
- Not having a clear foreseeable future
- Not feeling at peace with my sitch
- Feeling trapped for the time being
- Financial worries

Seriously? I'm going to have to say you're copping out here Regret. You know I've got no commitment from my W and a court date in a couple of weeks and yet, even my W says to me this AM "I can't get over how happy you are." And she's right...this is the happiest I've been in my entire life. Could it be better? Sure. Do the negatives weigh on me sometimes? Sure. But I refuse to be unhappy because my W is confused, or our house isn't selling, or anything else for that matter.

Control what you can control....and let go of the rest.

With regards to your mistakes, and H not forgiving you....did you finish the Five Languages of Apology? You sound very similar to where I was a few months back. I refused to apologize for the same thing over and over. It felt like punishment. But, I decided that I would apologize, very specifically, once, for things that I was truly sorry for. I did this every couple of days via text and my W said it did more for our M than anything else I've ever done, and honestly, it helped me forgive myself. At the time, I didn't really expect forgiveness, and I thought my M was done, but I wanted my W to know how I felt.

I'm not saying you need to wallow in it, and I certainly think you need to stop accepting H's judgments (and other people's), but be who you want to be. Be good to yourself.

Sounds like the IC is really helping...that's goodness. And I think feeling sexy is important too!

[mamabird]

Regretful, why does detaching mean you have to lose the wedding ring?

I don't want to wear it anymore, Nail.

You don't have to take yours off if you don't want to, but for me, I needed to feel empowered by taking it off.

My IC said our M was not "generative" - meaning, the union of 2 people is not bigger than each person alone. Rather, the union of 2 people holds each person back. I am trying to break free from that now.

[mamabird]

Breakdown -

Ok, I just have to tell you - and you know how much I've appreciated your support on here - you are being a little pushy! I know you are doing it on purpose, but you have to remember where I am in this process. I have just turned a major corner here, out of the darkness and into the light, and I am starting to walk that path now.

Honestly I could use more of a "coach" here... keep it positive and encouraging Breakdown... Let me trust that I can hold your hand, ok?

I find I'm defending myself to you a lot. I haven't had the benefit of all the time you've had. I haven't had the benefit of all the experience you've had. But look how far I've come. I'm not copping out, you are wrong. I hate to say this, but this reminds me of my H a little bit - I try to do something the right way, and then it gets met with something negative - even if you don't mean it that way... Come on, don't tell someone they are copping out on Day 1.

[mamabird]

MWD's FB post today:

What is incredibly frustrating and hurtful is when one spouse decides the marriage is over and without any real attempt to make things better, just gives up. Although some people try long and hard before they decide to end a marriage, it's amazing to me how many people think they have been "trying" when all they really have been doing is suffering in silence. They think that since they have remained at home, they have been "trying." Trying means more than just bringing your body home. It means identifying the problems clearly, setting goals, creating a game plan, implementing and monitoring it. If you haven't done that, you haven't really "tried."


I wish she were our MC!

[bustingout]

^^^^ I second that!