Wife lost in the MLC-We are now separated

[sam4nh]

Well my W just picked up her dog. Our mediation paperwork was here and I asked if she still wanted to move forward with a legal separation? She said, "Yes I do". I then asked if it was because she thought I would take all of her money? She said, "No" and then I had to follow up with can you tell me why and I just got, "Because I want one". I left it at that and said OK. She read through the paperwork and asked a couple of questions then said that she wanted to file these next week. I said I was not available next week since I had to a lot of work coming up. She said we'll file when I get back into town. I said that would be fine. While she was reading the paperwork she did seem a little drained, but then tried to act like it was the best thing in the world.

I did notice she has stopped wearing her wedding band and that about kills me, but I did not say anything. She's doing what she's going to do!

[sam4nh]

Sitting here thinking about her while she was here and I have to say she was very "cold". Again with the matter of fact and superior attitude. She did not hug me and barely acknowledged that I was in the room with her even though I was standing five feet away. Not sure what that is all about???

[job]

Sam,
She has had many weeks to detach from you and the relationship. She is now treating you as a business partner and nothing more. Her empathy chip is broken, she has moved on to someone else and her feelings for you are now stuffed down so low that it may take a while before they rise to the surface again.

Do what you need to do to protect your assets/finances. Go home for the holidays and plan to move forward with the separation upon your return. I don't think she will be any friendlier upon your return so prepare yourself for a possible hello and nothing more. Right now, her focus is on her new friend.

Please continue to focus on you and what you need to do to get through the holidays...there's nothing you can do to change her course...let her go and so that she can grow up.

[sam4nh]

Thanks snodderly....I will be taking care of myself, but right now it's extremely hard to even move sometimes. I want to spend a lot of quality time with my family. We need family support since my mom passed away in October. I'm so terribly sad right now. My wife has said so many times that she wants to be compassionate and I'm falling apart. How the h3ll can you compassionate when you can show a bit on empathy. I feel like I have wasted so much time over the last two years while she’s been in this space.

I’ve asked my W several times over the last two years to show some empathy for the situation she’s created with the EA with the OW. Her response almost every time…I’m not you! And usually that’s her screaming it at me. I cannot see how someone can say they are/want to be compassionate if they cannot feel empathy. Maybe it is the way I was brought up. I know my W has some severe family dysfunction and most of her siblings have been through one or more divorces. Her parents talk to each other in a very mean tone most the time. The way I see it is that I made a commitment and plan to stick to it until she files for divorce. My family engrained in me that if you make a commitment to someone you love you stick with it during the good times and bad. You don’t get married just for the good times.

[sam4nh]

I am leaving to visit my family today. I've had very little contact with my W as she has pretty much gone dark. The few text messages that I do receive I've tried to wait for a bit of time and then responded but in a very generic way. She is a bit up in arms right now since she is now reviewing the legal separatoin agreement and feels that the mediator left out a lot of things and she's upset. I'm going to let her stew with that before I respond. No matter what I say, she's going to blame me for getting what I wanted in the separation and she is getting nothing. Right now it all has to do with the mediator did not include her stuff like the condo/utilities not being funded by our joint banking account. I do not have an issue with paying of these expenses, but she wants every little thing written down so she feels she is "covered". If I try and explain anything then she'll just go into a spewing rage. Hmmm what is better for me??? I think I'll leave it alone for now.

I took several peoples advice and bought a couple of non-personal gifts for my W for Chirstmas. I also left a note saying that Santa left a couple of gifts for her and our dog. Have a Merry Christmas and a great week. I ended by saying, Peace, Joy and Happiness always.

I tried not to be to personal and I do wish her peace, joy, and happiness. The way she's been acting is probably lately I do not feel she wants anything with me long term, but with the help from this forum, I'm sure I will survive and be a better person no matter what she does. I'm still working on the DB's techniques, but I do feel somewhat more a peace. I'm working on the joy and happiness!!

[job]

Sam,
Wishing you a safe, blessed and happy holiday season. Travel safely to your family home.

I wouldn't worry too much about the legal separatioin agreement. I would let her stew and would revisit it after the holidays. If she's got issues w/it, then she needs to be discussing it not only w/you, but w/the mediator. Allow the pot to boil and really, it's a good time to be away from this particular stew.

I'm glad you purchase a couple of non-personal gifts for her and the dog. What she does w/them shouldn't concern you. They were gifts that you gave from the heart and that's what counts.

Try to enjoy the holidays w/your family. Given the situation, I wouldn't respond to her texts unless she's wishing you a Merry Christmas...let her see how it feels to be w/o her spouse in the house for a while.

Merry Christmas!

[AUSSIE 1.]

Hi Sam4nh. Im new to this site. Did want to take something you mentioned and run with it. Ive read it a few times in other posts and youve now mentioned bout your W anger.I know we all want our partners back but it really is a big ask by them if they want to return. Not only does my MLC girlfriend have an affair but she has gone from this loving partner to a cruel,cold,callous and cold hearted beast full of anger directed at me. So not only do we have to forgive the affair but i find just as big an ask is to forgive the way they have treated us. So id like to ask for any thoughts and is this full on anger normal? I know when i went thru my MLC my now ex wife said i was unbearable to be around. I know i yelled at her a few times but the anger i have seen from my MLC girlfriend puts my outbursts to shame!

[sam4nh]

Well Christmas has passed and I survived!! It was good to be with my family during this time. I think my father really appreciated having someone around to share and not be by himself. I had very limited contact with my W over the holidays. She went out with her friends and left all of our dogs with a woman who is a known alcoholic and I'm not sure what happened, but two of the four dogs became very ill on Christmas Eve. Now of course my W who was out all night and didn't come home to the following day around 5pm had to take them to the emergency vet and they both were held overnight. I'm struggling with two things...1.)She did not ask me if it was okay to leave the dogs with someone else while she was in charge of watching them. If I want to have someone else watch them, she insists that I let her know prior to engaging them so that she can approve of my actions. 2.) While she was in charge she left the dogs with someone we both know should not be watching them as she gets drunk and doesn't remember to take care of them. We had previously agreed that this person would no longer be asked to watch the dogs.

I have not said anything about either issue above as she'd again be her angry self and go into denying that she did anything wrong. When she did send me texts about the dog’s condition, I only discussed their condition and nothing more. I really did not want to be in an argument on Christmas Eve and Christmas day as it is not the time or place. I don’t need yet another thing to stress me out over the holidays. She of course posted several pictures on Facebook of how she was out and about. If I had done this and left the dogs she would have had a serious meltdown.

My W feeds our dogs daily (her apartment is close by and she works from home) so she sees them several times a week when she’s not traveling. Do I put a boundary in place that she should not be feeding the dogs daily at the house we own? She has a key to the house and offered to feed them since I have an hour plus commute home each night. I’m not trying to keep her from the dogs, but I feel that she access to where I live and I have no way to keep her from roaming (snooping) while she is in the house. I kind of get the feeling that this is cake eating since she can still come and go into the house as she wants during the time while I’m not around. Now granted she could still come over and I’d never know since it would be while I was working or during my commute. Any thoughts???

@snodderly-Again thank you for your insight! You are a treasure with you kind thoughts. I do hope you had a wonderful Christmas and I wish you a Happy New Year for 2013. I fully expect that I’ll be at the courthouse to sign the separation agreement. Before I left, my W did text a few times that she was concerned about the agreement since she feels the mediator missed quite a few things in the document. I decided not to debate these with her and let her stew on it for a while.

@ Aussie1-Yes my W is in the cold, cruel and callous stage. I’m not sure it’s a real stage, but she’s seems to be angry at me a lot the time for what I’m usually not sure. I went back and read texts from the last few months and one day she’d send I love you, I miss you and I want to do this or that for us and the next would be so cold it was scary. I would love to understand which stage she’s in so I’d have a reference point. One day I think it is Replay and the next I feel it’s Denial and the next Anger. Or it could be all three at once!

Someday she’s somewhat nice, the next she cold with no empathy, the next she’s angry about something that I may or may not have done. I’m sure she is rewriting our history constantly. From what I’ve seen on Facebook, she pretty much blames me for most of what has gone wrong in our relationship. She has removed her status of married (to me). She makes little or no contact for days and when she does it’s only for something she wants me to do or to complain about the separation agreement not giving her what she wants or some other arbitrary issue. Never just to see how I’m doing or how the dogs (I kept 3 of the 4) are getting along.

[job]

sam,
I'm glad you went home for the holidays and spent some time w/your family. You needed the break. As for your poor dogs, I'm so sorry to see she was acting like an irresponsible teenager. Since the dogs went to emergency care...what was wrong w/them?

If I were in your situation, I would have a sit down chat w/her upon your return and thank her for trying to take care of things while you were gone, but in the future, your dogs are never to go to that woman's place again, i.e., that you will find a dog sitter who is reliable and does not drink and forget the pups. You have to let her know how you feel about this situation...it was not okay to do what she did. She was in charge of taking care of them, hence, she should have checked on them, fed them and if she wanted to go out and party later, then so be it. Are you going to have to pay the vet bill? I wouldn't offer to pay any of it since she was left in charge of the pups.

You have to be the one to decide whether you want a boundary in place about the feeding of the dogs when you are commuting from work. You have to decide if you are comfortable w/her being in your home when you are not there...I, personally wouldn't be, but maybe you don't have a problem w/her nosing around your stuff. You'll have to make sure that any of your paperwork, etc., is locked up on hidden because you don't know if she is snooping or not. Again, only you can make a decision on this one.

As for the anger, it is a stage they go through, but keep in mind, they bounce around from anger, replay, depression, etc. They never completely stay in one stage. Their stages are very much like the grieving stages that we experience. And, yes, they can be angry at the color of the moon and it will have nothing to do w/us, but we will be the ones to get the lashing.

Try to enjoy the rest of the holiday and travel safely home.

[AUSSIE 1.]

Thanks to you both for the insight. Guess all i can do is stay dark and ride this out.Good luck with your sitch. Life certainly throws us curved balls sometimes.