Some progress after 2+ months of DBing

[tori2012]

Wendylon, don't say anything today. Do you think he's addicted to alcohol? That's really hard to manage. On the one hand, you want to do a 180 and let him be, but his behavior is affecting you. Maybe you can bring this up when he's in a good mood and you're going for a walk or doing something active.

The hug was a good move :-)

Was the dessert that bad?

[subguy]

To be honest my wife did the majority of the Christmas stuff at our house as well. I chip in and help on a lot of things but she really got a kick out of doing Christmas so I backed off. I also worked and she has never had a job working 40+ hours. (she worked outside of our home for about 12 of our 22 years). She had the time to do stuff and get home before I could get home from work. I even gave her 8 hours of whine free shopping the day after Thanksgiving. If she needed/wanted help she never made it clear to me, maybe I could have recognized.

Every thing had to be JUST right, if I did something, not to her liking, she would come behind me and change it and then complain about having to change it, so... why put the effort in?? It was how I liked it so why not leave it. Kinda like when I build something like a deck, I want it my way, so she would back off and let me have it my way.

Now I was just as guilty about acknowledging her efforts. Kinda like her not acknowledging me working 40+ to provide and allow her to work where and how much she wanted. Plenty of guilt to go around for all of us.

Now the drinking is a problem especially if he is driving the children around drunk. Be careful and do not allow that bad behavior to continue. I am only a social drinker, a six pack can sit in my fridge for 6 months, that was never a problem here.

Just the opposite side of the perspective from a guy.

[mamabird]

This is a little off topic but you'll like this, Wendy.

"Santa" brought S9 some Belgian chocolates, per his request. H was in the room while the boys opened their gifts, so theoretically he watched S9 open this gift. Perhaps the lights were on but no one was home.

Tonight H started dipping in to the box and I had to tell him, those are S9's. "They are? Where did he get this?" Christmas was YESTERDAY, how could he have forgotten so soon? At least he makes no bones about it. I actually am the one stashing the sweets in this house, because if I don't, they disappear!

Yow know what, Wendy, I felt unappreciated this year, so I went out to the mall today, by myself and bought 4 pairs of shoes and 4 sweaters and a pair of jeans and a bunch of underwear, all on major sale! And I enjoyed it so much that I think I am going to treat myself like that every year. It's MY new holiday tradition!!!

[tori2012]

To be honest my wife did the majority of the Christmas stuff at our house as well. I chip in and help on a lot of things but she really got a kick out of doing Christmas so I backed off. I also worked and she has never had a job working 40+ hours. (she worked outside of our home for about 12 of our 22 years). She had the time to do stuff and get home before I could get home from work. I even gave her 8 hours of whine free shopping the day after Thanksgiving. If she needed/wanted help she never made it clear to me, maybe I could have recognized.

Every thing had to be JUST right, if I did something, not to her liking, she would come behind me and change it and then complain about having to change it, so... why put the effort in?? It was how I liked it so why not leave it. Kinda like when I build something like a deck, I want it my way, so she would back off and let me have it my way.

I'm quoting subguy bc I think he's made an important point. What I've noticed in the dynamics of most marriages on this site is that there is a "responsible" partner who is a doer and takes control, and an "ADD/irresponsible" partner who feels that he can never measure up. As women, we tend to pay more attention to detail and be more organized. Men "fall short" in our eyes, and we have to do things "right." But really, who cares. It's all small stuff. I think the secret is to let go of the little things and appreciate what our partners do, even if they don't do it according to our standards. And men need to learn to appreciate their W's instead of complaning about their nagging. I'm learning a lot. Thank you, subguy.

[mamabird]

I think the secret is to let go of the little things and appreciate what our partners do, even if they don't do it according to our standards.

This is true. Tough, but true.

[subguy]

Tori I'm learning a lot as well about relationships. Your right I focused on the wrong things. I should have done my thing and if she changed it then okay, I still love ya babe. Funny how we let ego get in the way of a loving relationship.

[Wendylon]

Thank you very much, subguy, Tori and Regretful for the helpful feedback.

I did bring up the drinking with H yesterday morning. I just said that I was worried that he was drinking more and that he seemed quite compulsive. He didn't seem too defensive and said he'd think about it. Later in the day, he told me that I was right and that it didn't fit with his overall goals. He didn't drink yesterday. I'm not sure his abstaining will last very long but still it's nice that he took what I said on board.

He's not actually a big drinker but he's weird with smoking, drinking and eating in that he is secretive and weird. Drinking affects him very quickly. I'm also incredibly sensitive to it because I don't drink and both my parents were/are alcoholics.

Subguy, I'm very guilty of this though I didn't overtly complain but I'm sure H knew I wasn't happy that I had to do it again:

Every thing had to be JUST right, if I did something, not to her liking, she would come behind me and change it and then complain about having to change it, so... why put the effort in??

I have years of doing this. It will take a while for H not to expect me to do it again or interfere.

So far so good today. H is in his cave and I'm leaving him to it. I think he needs more un-interrupted time than I usually give him. Last night, we had a particularly fun supper. It was just the 5 of us but there was lots of laughter.

Thank you again, everyone. I know I keep saying this but it makes such a difference being on this board. I know I'd be in a better place in my M now if I hadn't rested on my laurels eight years ago and then started back-sliding steadily but surely. This time, I'll stick around even if our M improves to the point where I'm no longer anxious and insecure.

[tori2012]

Wendylon, yes, I think the work we put on our M never ends. It's only when we take it for granted that things go downhill.

Glad to hear things are stable and your H listened to your concern. Have you thought about joining a group for families of people with alcohol problems? I have a friend who joined one of these groups and it really helped...

[mamabird]

Where you are in your M right now reminds me of some of the better times in my M. Still plenty annoying, but tolerable enough to want to hang in there... I hope you can continue to improve on that position! You have the patience of saint I must say!

[Wendylon]

Thank you Tori and Regretful.

I have been to Al-Anon off and on in the last thirty years. I actually enjoy this board more than I do Al-Anon meetings and find this more helpful. I figure the philosophy is very similar--detachment, working on one's own stuff, and GAL.

You're right, Regretful, re my M: "plenty annoying but tolerable enough". I don't think I have the patience of a saint though in any altruistic sense. My goal to have a better M is self-serving and calculated. I think it's my best option.

Eight years ago, I had two friends whose Hs were also having As when mine was. They didn't DB. Both are now D and I have to say that I'd hate to have to deal with what they have to deal with. They both thought I was mad when I was DBing. When they were first free and dating their lives looked much more exciting than mine.

Now, however, they have to deal with the OW (both Hs stayed with OW) and they have endless financial problems with their xHs. They keep going back to court. I'm not saying that all Ds are like that by any means but I'd rather be in my sitch. They both say that they'd rather be in my sitch too.

I guess I've also witnessed my mother who is on to her third husband. I'm cynical about love and marriage. I've seen her madly in love with H2 and H3. It all seems to come back to the same level of overall happiness after a while and H3 is a real piece of work. I'm not sure she was any worse off with H1 (my father) or H2 (my half-sister's father). She's the one who left them.

I think my H needs relatively little emotional contact. I know he is absolutely head over heels with the kids and yet he seeks them out pretty infrequently. He went to a football game with D15 yesterday. They had a great time and that will be enough contact for a while. The kids all have good relationships with him--very easy ones and he has a light touch with them. He is always available to drive them anywhere whatever time of day or night but he doesn't hang out with them much in the house--except for S13 who is is looking after right this minute.

He just came up to get S13's clothes and I noticed that he was going to be putting a pyjama top on him. I mentioned it and took it out of the pile of clothes he was bringing down to S13 and then did a 180 and said, "Actually, it's a good idea to use that as an undershirt".

Sometimes, I worry that H gets to be emotionally distant and yet reap all the benefits of being part of a family. I do still pursue him with conversation (not R convo) but I've noticed that I'm sort of needy for contact around him. I don't disturb him as much as I used to but if he enters my sphere, I pounce on him with words. I will try to pull back a bit and see if that makes any difference to him approaching me.