Changing Directions

[RegretfulLA]

Breakdown...

To me, this sounds like you are trying to minimize OM and shrug off some of the blame (I really hope you aren't at this point, but it sure sounds like it).

I've been here long enough, you know me well enough by now to know that I've taken the blame for the OMs and that I acknowledge how hurtful it must have been to H.

Maybe in that one blurb I didn't come across as contrite, and honestly, I don't live in the space where I am flagellating myself all the time for f*cking up. I can't live there. Besides, I get plenty of punishment from H on a day in, day out basis so why would I need to pile on more? That is the space that I am trying to get out of. But I am regretful about all of it, hence the name.

That said, none of this happened in a vacuum. I re-read my old OM1 journals, and I realized I had been swimming upstream for years. I wanted so much to be a good wife and to push OM1 away, and every time I did that the universe brought him back. Besides that, I was desperate for love and affection, and instead I got the silent treatment and criticism, neglect and emotional abuse.

I really only wanted to be friends with OM1, and I didn't allow us to be in contact until my M was strong enough so that we could be friends. So I have a hard time "taking blame" for that one, though I will say I know it hurt H for me to have had those feelings for OM1.

OM2, I have no excuse... that was just me being sh!tty.

I am quite sure that your list would match H's list very closely. I spent 5 weeks and almost $1000 listening to what H had to say, and tried to validate it for him. He does not feel like I have "owned" my behavior, when in fact I feel that I have. I have to say now, that I was willing to listen, but I wanted to ACTIVELY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, and H did not. Therefore, I do not want to listen to it again. I have heard, I have acknowledged. So now what? As you know, I was willing to do just about anything in order to get our M back on track for good, but now, H has shown me that he doesn't want that.

So:

I know you don't like your H saying you cheated on him, because most people associate that with sex. But flip it....how do you think he should describe it? How much detail do you want him to go into? If the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel about it?

This is a really good and fair question. What angers me is that H chose to tell the entire world our business, and he said it in a way that makes me look like a whore.

The truth, as I see it, is that we had a lot of problems in our M. I did fall in love with someone else. I did, at least, I thought I had, or felt I had at the time. If he went around saying that, I wouldn't feel as bad because it's much closer to the truth. The truth is, we went to counseling, and maybe I didn't try as hard as I could have. The truth is that neither of us changed our behavior like we needed to. And OM2, well, he can tell people I was sexting because it is the truth. H's narrative does not include him doing anything wrong, btw. He was the model H in his mind.

He feels like I cheated on him, but he will not allow me to make it right. And I think he's doing that to hurt/punish me.

If the shoe were on the other foot, I wouldn't have told very many people ANYTHING. My closest friends and family might have known the truth, but no one except my sister and one close friend knew about OM2, and sis had no idea things were so awful at home. I do not really share that stuff. I probably would have said that H and I were having some problems and left it at that. It is no one's business, and at the end of the day, I respect myself (and H) too much to drag his name through the mud. The fact that H told everyone our business is a major mark against him, and points to his lack of respect (something I had also flagged in my 2009 journal).