Stop The D

[Spartan]

Worst moment of my life happened about an hour ago. We told the kids about D. My W said it and it was the coldest thing I've ever heard. D7 collapsed crying and screaming. I jumped in and told them we loved them and always would, we'd always be mom and dad, and all the other things you tell kids as compassionately as possible. D7 stood up and came to me to be held. S4 is too young to understand but I will never forget D7's reaction or coldness in W. D7 never really went to W which surprised me and I know had to surprise W. I even backed away a couple times so W could hold her and D7 either stood there like a statue or pulled away and came to me. For some reason that actually botherede and wished she would have hugged W. W left within 20 minutes to run errands she was planning and D7 hasn't stopped snuggling me. Next couple days are ALL about kids. Please pray for my family.

Right now I have no idea how I could ever R with W after watching her today. I knew she could hurt me but never expected her to be so cold to kids.

[Breakdown]

Hang in there man. This is tough stuff, and I completely get where you're at. So much of your sitch seems to mirror mine. I remember having those same feelings and I remember saying very similar things to W.

Unfortunately, no matter how much work we do, how much we learn, how much we think we understand the dynamics, etc. we cannot control our spouse. We can't make them get it, and unfortunately, in our cases, where we've had a history of control, we have difficulty even explaining anything to them....they think we are trying to control them (and if we're honest, most of the time we are).

Try to focus on the moment and let go of the rest. It's hard, and the lack of commitment still weighs on me sometimes, but it makes day to day so much easier.

[AnotherStander]

Spartan, your convo sounds so much like the ones I've had with my W. It's practically the exact same script. My suggestion is to back completely off now. You can rest assured that she knows your position, so there is no need to talk to her about it again. I did just this in my sitch. I completely and totally detached and even moved on. I was truly done, but suddenly W started showing interest again. About 6 weeks ago I asked her to attend RetroV in January and she said no, so you can imagine my shock when I got an email about 2 weeks ago that SHE was checking into signing us up for RetroV. Then a few days later I had dropped the kids off at her house and she followed me outside and latched onto me with a massive hug like she would never let go, the first hug of any kind she has initiated in over 6 months. Since then I've seen many more baby steps. I'm maintaining my distance and letting her come to me though. So detach, it's best for you and best for your R with your W as well.

[AnotherStander]

Spartan, so sorry to hear about the D talk with the kids, but just remember that your W is not thinking clearly right now. She's built an emotional wall around herself and this is why she is coming off as being so cold to you and the kids. The rationalization hamster is spinning away in its wheel. She's convinced herself that this is the best for her, the kids and even you. My W was the same, when we had the S talk with our kids she sat there like a statue made out of ice. But now I'm seeing shades of the old W, the woman that puts her kids before anything else. Try and be patient and try not to believe anything you're seeing or hearing from your W right now.

[Spartan]

Thanks guys for the support. Thankfully kids are doing better now. D7 held me for well over an hour but has been ok since. Ended up taking them bowling to get us all busy. I still can't get over the events of today and how W acting even with D7's reaction I'm afraid there are more bad days o come with her. I shouldn't have any issues with detaching any longer; I can't even look at her anymore.

Knowing your sitches it gives hope but I'm really struggling today to see it or even want it. I know I just need to break contact for a little while and pray for patience. Thankfully W works next 2 days and then is gone for the weekend.

[eyesopen]

Spartan,

I think it is hard for young kids to understand what is happening. My S5 thought that mom was leaving and he would never see her again. They have a hard time expressing their thoughts. You may want to be the one to ask them the questions, rather than wait for them to ask.

And you are right it is all about love. You love your wife enough to try and understand her point of view, and to let her go. Loving detachment

[tori2012]

Spartan, I just read most of your posts, and I'm praying for you and your family. I'm going through a similar sitch, but we don't have kids. Children suffer so much through this...

I agree that you need to give your W space, and continue being the best dad you can be.

[Spartan]

Eyesopen - good point on asking kids some questions. My D7 has been asking me questions throughout the day but I'll remember that. Right before bed she asked me if I thought mom would really buy her a pool in her new house. My D loves thenwater and swimming I asked her what she meant and apparently W told her she would get a house with a pool in the backyard just for her. I responded with I hope so. My W didn't lift a finger with the pool in our last house and feel she's already lying but I'm not saying a thing. Just staying detached and support the kids.

Tori - Thanks for reading my sitch. It means a lot because I really value the opinions you give in other threads. And thanks for the prayers.

[FloydMan]

Hi Spartan,
I agree how scary it is to see W so cold. Our talk was end of Nov. with the kids. Same thing...W so cold and matter-of-fact. My d10 brushed her off and came to me. They sense it all. AnotherStande is right too about spouse not even fully aware of what they are doing. It took me a while to realize that. Nevertheless...that makes it almost even scarier. Hang in there pal. You are a great daddy and they know it.

[mamabird]

Thinking of you today Spartan. I hope you can take comfort in the "script" part of what your W said. My WAH has said much of the same. His own mother left him when he was a young teen and so that is the way he deals with problems too. It really is a script for people who are not strong enough to look in the mirror.

I am so sorry for your children but you sound like you're doing a great job comforting them. Mine are starting to worry too, but we've decided it's best not to say anything until H is really ready to move out, if and when that ever happens. At least in my sitch, H is a wonderful father and has not abandoned his kids.