Rkyfat, you've been getting great advice and I like your text back to her. Even if for now she sees that you have a special bond mainly because of S12, that doesn't mean that that bond couldn't get bigger and incorporate more.
I certainly know that for me the thought of being with someone who isn't deeply concerned with S13's well-being puts me off wanting to be with anyone else. I simply can't see how any man could do better than my H in that regard. Despite all his faults, he has the concern for S13 and that counts hugely.
As I've said on my thread, eight years ago my H came back and stayed only because of the kids at first. My DB coach kept saying not to push him on that and that it was fine if he thought that was the only reason he was staying.
I think you've done really well. You can congratulate yourself.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
FY I think you will last. I can understand that your sitch hasnt moved for some time but in some ways mine took a huge bomb and I am only just at the start of recovering from it. You have maintained the calm right through and whilst it seems like no progress I think it is progress when you look at how I bombed.
I still think patience is the main thing and your W will be working through things in her head even though she does not show it much.
But I agree that 2yrs+ is daunting. Its funny how in the early days I thought the MLC tag gave some explanation/rationalisation and it made me feel more at ease with the sitch. Then I read up and oh do I not wish that now.
But I agree that 2yrs+ is daunting. Its funny how in the early days I thought the MLC tag gave some explanation/rationalisation and it made me feel more at ease with the sitch. Then I read up and oh do I not wish that now.
Right. In a non MLC situation fixing yourself usually leads to progress as the spouse takes notice and starts to believe in the new you. In a MLC crises situation nothing you do seems to help, because it really wasn't about you to begin with. There are plenty of things you can do to make it worse though.
So maybe you are right, the fact that things haven't gotten worse is probably the best I can hope for right now.
Really, the waiting is the hardest part... and there will be a lot of waiting for a spouse to work through their MLC.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks for the encouragement and support. I completely agree with you and being with someone else is something I don't think I could do and no one could ever match W where S is concerned. I believe being a good parent is a huge attraction both for men and women. I love that W is such a good mother and it attracts me to her more.
FY sry I missed ur last post. I think they may notice but they don't care. From what I have read they will still be v different at the end of all this so I think the change from us will go a long way to helping that reconnection if it ever happens. I think in all our sitchs the becoming the best you can be applies as it is for us and not the WAS.
I feel for you as I am not as long into this so you can hold me to that in another 6mths time! But your W does seem like she is working through it and whilst it is frustrating it does give you hope.
After my emotional few days I seem to be back on the DB wagon again. Had my first horse riding lesson this morning and rly enjoyed it (one of my bucket list is to learn to ride!). Also went to the Gym so worked all my emotions out!
W seems to be avoiding the M home at the moment. She came to pick eldest S in but just beeped her horn and refused to come to the house. The other day when she dropped him off she had gone before I realised they had arrived!. She has done this a few times over the holidays and never knocks, comes in etc. Not sure if she is avoiding me because when I pick S up she always asks me in for a drink. Its funny really.
W family all been back in touch as well which was nice and W sister wants to meet up. Not sure if this a good idea or not?
W family all been back in touch as well which was nice and W sister wants to meet up. Not sure if this a good idea or not?
You know the drill... don't involve the families, it can only bite you in the butt and make your W's return road rockier. Meeting up with them is ok, but don't bring up the sitch. If they do, give brief general answers and then change the subject.
I'm lucky, neither of our families know about our sitch. When we meet up with them both W and I act like normal. W is close to my youngest sister though... she probably knows at least something is up, but doesn't talk.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks FY. I will keep clear of talking about sitch.
Dropped youngest S back at W today. S gave me a guilt trip - he cried when I asked him to put his coat on to go to W. He does not understand much but we have had a great weekend and I felt awful when he cried.
W asked how I was and what I had been up to. So I told her I was good, me and S had been riding and swimming and about my riding lesson yesterday. She used to come with me to take S. She sounded v excited and asked me all about it. Then S wanted me to play a game with him on the computer. W sat and watched and as I got up to say goobye to S she filled up again.
I know this is guilt on W part but the crying is starting to get to me now and making me angry. So much for detachment!
Love riding! My bucket list included learning to snowboard....done! Even learned to fall lol!
Nice DBing, I have asked H to knock, this is not his space anymore. He respects this boundary, I simply said I would no more come walking into your apt. Without knocking, so please do not just walk in here. He agreed.
Don't let the crying piss you off. We cry for a variety of reasons, I cry when I get mad, so my anger is quite ineffective lol.
