Changing Directions

[RegretfulLA]

Floyd,
Oh, how I wish what you were saying is true.

Unfortunately, it's quite the opposite.

H's story is "Regretful cheated on me twice," and he has told it far and wide. He has told it to anyone who will listen. He has told it to his friends, his family, and our mutual friends. I have heard it come back to me from my next-door neighbor, who heard it from some other neighbor, who heard it from the (expletive) neighbor that H is so chummy with.

Now, what is the first thing you think of when you hear that?

You think of Regretful having wild sex with some random dude, not once, but twice.

The real story is that I allowed myself to really fall for OM1, but OM1 didn't know about it, and then when OM2 came along, I did engage in some very inappropriate texting. Nothing physical - ever. The first was an EA (a one-sided one) and the second was just me trying to feel better.

Do I want to reconcile? Yes, of course, I would love to have a whole family again. But my hope for H being able to come to the table and understand where I am coming from is very, very small. We have been to MC, we have had the opportunity. He has not made any steps toward being willing to do that. I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but yet, here I am, being punished on my dumb sofa bed.

When he apologized last night, that was out of empathy for S9. It had nothing to do with me, though it was a good step. I am sure if I had been the one dying to pee he not only wouldn't have stopped, but definitely wouldn't have apologized. I am a "bad person" and until he decides to view it differently, I will always be a "bad person."

I know this sounds like I am blaming H. I'm just trying to be realistic at this point. I've done a lot here, as much as I can really. But I'm finding it harder and harder to continue to put forth positive energy, getting nothing in return. Unfortunately I am human just like everyone else.