Made it through yesterday but she started R talk this morning and I believe it was to create distance because we had a good day. I tried to DB as well as I could but could only take so much and I eventually told her how I felt. Here are the highlights, not sure if I did more damage but I feel finally ready to detach.
She starts convo bringing up that my lawyer sent hers a letter saying that I thought we were reconciling and she asked what was up with that. I told her I knew because I saw her lawyer's response and that my lawyer was asking because he wanted clarity because I was stalling the D process. I told her I never told my lawyer we were reconciling but didn't want to get lawyers involved until last minute possible. She said no reason to stall and it was going through which I responded to that's fine and I understood. I think that ticked her off because she then said just because I've read a bunch of books, I'm in counseling, and I've changed for a few months doesn't change the past. She kept bringing up the past and I took as much as I could but instead of walking away (which I know is what I should have done) I asked her if I'd done any of those things recently and she said no but it's how she feels and can't get past it in her head. I told her I understood what I did in past but can't change it but can only affect how I am now. I said I thought many of our issues are how we've created the other person in our own heads and our lack of communication. I brought up the upcoming Retrouvaille class and she said she's done and just doesn't care about anything anymore so it would be a waste of time and money. I said she needs to get out of past, with or without me, for her life to move on. I asked if she felt she was changing for the better and she went back to the past and blaming me. I finally said to just stop because I'm done taking all the blame for everything and reliving history for the hundredth time. I've done it forever and I'm sick of it. I told her I don't bring up her past mistakes but instead have tried to forgive them. I asked her if she's ever accepted blame for anything in our M or her life. She said that's what her CR is all about and I calmly said I was glad she's doing it and asked her if it was working and if she was feeling it. She didn't respond but her look gave me a feeling that the answer was no. I told her that it's time for her to look in the mirror and accept some responsibility and stop running from every problem in her life (ran away from home when she was young, stopped all communication with her family 4 years ago, quit 2 good jobs because of small disagreements, etc.). Said some day she needs to make a change within herself because not everything is mine, her dads, her bosses, or her friends faults and running will never solve the issue. I asked her if she would think it's fine if kids acted like this when they have problems, she didn't answer. (Little side note is that her sisters kid just up and left about 3 weeks ago with no contact with anyone in family. Just said he couldn't take the BS anymore and needed out. My kids know about this and D7 has asked about him a few different times. It's just the way her family deals with things...)
She then threatened to tell kids about D right then and I'm so sick of her doing that I said fine, you tell them right now. I called them in to the room but she backed down quickly. (Glad she did because not the way I want to tell them but I'm just so sick of her holding it over my head). I just asked kids what they wanted to do today. She said she doesn't want kids seeing a dead marriage and our D7 has asked her several times why she doesn't kiss or hold dad's hand anymore. I asked her what she says and she said she didn't answer. I told her that's another thing that she's in complete control of. She then talked about her belief that kids will be completely fine through D as long as we remain good, close friends. I didn't want to say anything but I told her that I honestly wasn't sure how realistic that is. I told her no one knows the future and I hope we can be but that because this D will hurt me, because of my feelings, and because of the pain our kids will feel because of this I just wasn't sure that being friends would be possible. I said we would for sure be good parents but not sure how much more then that. She looked surprised...
A little later I asked her what she expects of her life after D and if she's thought of the good and the bad that's coming. She said she knows things will be a lot harder but she can finally be real again so I asked what that was. She responded with I don't know, I guess how I act at work. I asked her what that was and she said just being able to not walk on eggshells. We talked a little more about it and basically what she wants is no deep conversations, no feelings, and no one to see any of the negatives. She did confirm that most of the reasons she's on eggshells is what's in her head and nothing I actually do. I said I wish I could do something but it sounds like she needs to figure that out on her own.
I'm sure there was more but can't think of it now. I'm just getting really sick of this rollercoaster and her having no plan or idea what she wants. All she knows is that it's all my fault and she wants to leave. I know she's in the WAS fog and probably believes it and I know I likely didn't do myself too many favors this morning but I'm just getting tired of it all. Surprisingly I don't regret saying what I said because I'm done feeling bad and taking all the blame. I think it's finally time for me to start going as dim as possible.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
