Limbo Land

[MrBond]

Sorry to say that you blew it by constantly asking her for a kiss. This isn't a fairy tale. She isn't going to magically fall in love with you from the kiss. You should have spent that time while you were away, just backing off and giving her space. I would take the ring out of the tree and save it for someone who is worth it.

[jzoom]

Ended up pressing again tonight. Found out that she is "talking" to Steve...or rather she actually said "...talking again". She says she was sexting with multiple people and doesn't care if I consider that and the kiss with the babys father cheating b/c she didn't have sex with anybody.

Yeah, guess I was hoping for a fairy tale...thought, she called me b/c she was pissed saying she won't kiss me or anybody b/c she has an ulcer in her mouth and her gums are bleeding and her teeth hurt. I'm tempted to leave the ring b/c most likely I'll get that "wtf" look when she opens it and she'll not want it anyway.

Seems I wasn't crazy this whole time afterall and there was fishy stuff going on. It does appear that I've run this into the ground to the point where she's "talking" to Steve and wants to move out ASAP. Her plan is to be civil while still living with me but that's the extent of it, civil roommates until she can get out.

Since her opening the ring probably isn't going to end up with a fairy tale ending all I can realistically do is put on a happy face tomorrow and just GAL and try to be upbeat...just let go, drop the rope, LTR, move on and either get myself back to a better place with somebody new or possibly draw her back in.........then again, I am already asking myself if I want to draw her back in.

[jzoom]

She opened the gift of a ring and was obviously surprised. She put on a smile for the kids. After a bit, when there was a chance, she asked to talk to me.

She asked why I would get that for her while we were fighting all the time. Honestly, I Just felt I needed to pour my heart out and see what happened. I told her i was trying to show her how important her & the kids are to me. She told me she had made her mind up about moving out over the past week or so but was going to wait until the new year to tell me so Christmas wouldn't be ruined. I didn't say ILY but she knew what I was talking about. I told her that I would miss her and the kids and I wanted to be a family, even with everything that's gone on.

She was saying she can't but I told her we could together. That she's had her failed R's and I've had mine and that she's always talking about working through things. I told her that if we could get through this then we would have a really strong R. She said she could hang onto it for a couple of days if that would make me feel better. She asked what I wanted her to do. I said the only way I want you to hold onto it is if you'll think about working on things with me, being with me, and having that R. She said she would give it back to me after new year with her answer. I asked if she was going to think about it and she said "I guess".

At times we were both close to tears. Right now I guess I'll take any emotion over anger from her.

[MrBond]

Is there any reason why you keep undermining yourself? Back off now!

I would seriously start kicking her out. She's still using you and you're allowing it to happen even more.

"I guess I'll take any emotion over anger from her."

No! You've actually got it in reverse. If she was angry because of your R, that was a good sign. However! If she's now angry because you won't leave her alone, that's worse! Your situation is sinking fast! If she wants this guy, then give her to him. NOW!

[jzoom]

What I meant is that she was angry b/c of the state of our R but when we talked about the ring it seemed like there was a tiny crack in her. Don't know if it was guilt, pity, sorrow, or what, but it seemed like there was the finest crack in the "I hate you and I'm leaving no matter what" attitude.

I've got a week at the least to just work on being a better person. No matter what her decision is its not like she's moving out Jan 1st. I'm not going to kick her out. Maybe I'm wrong and she is angry about me not leaving her alone. If that's the case and she's going to move out peacefully of her own accord then my best bet is to just remain civil so that things don't get ugly like they have in the past.

[MrBond]

"What I meant is that she was angry b/c of the state of our R but when we talked about the ring it seemed like there was a tiny crack in her."

Honestly, you're looking for things that aren't there. It's the same as before and you didn't listen. It's just gotten worse.

"Don't know if it was guilt, pity, sorrow, or what, but it seemed like there was the finest crack in the "I hate you and I'm leaving no matter what" attitude."

There isn't one. You have to start moving on and standing up for yourself. It's the ONLY thing you haven't done.

"I've got a week at the least to just work on being a better person."

You were supposed to have done this all this time. And besides, even when you were a "better" person, she still cheated on you.

"No matter what her decision is its not like she's moving out Jan 1st. I'm not going to kick her out."

You should have done this way back. It shows that you demand respect. She used you by using all of your resources, not giving you a chance and then going off with her X.

"Maybe I'm wrong and she is angry about me not leaving her alone."

That's what I and others have been trying to tell you.

"If that's the case and she's going to move out peacefully of her own accord then my best bet is to just remain civil so that things don't get ugly like they have in the past."

When are you going to understand that YOU have nothing to lose. SHE is the one who will lose everything. If she wants the other guy so much, then give her to him. The faster you do that, the faster things will resolve itself.

[AnotherStander]

Jzoom, you are STILL doing the exact same things that have NOT worked for you up to this point. Why do you continue down the same destructive path? Because you THINK it's the right thing to do. What DB'ing is all about is changing your mindset, helping you to see that what you think is the right thing is actually the wrong thing. It's also what you've been told over and over in this thread. What you're doing to her can be summed up in two words:

CONTROLLING
MANIPULATIVE

Everything you do is one, the other, or both of the above. Even giving her the ring was controlling and manipulative. Guess what women hate? Being controlled and being manipulated. You just continue to drive her farther and farther away. You say you have a week to reverse this, but actually you don't. She's done and gone. Even if you swing into full DB mode a week is just a start. It'll be months and months before you see any signs of interest at all. If you really want her back then you have got to STOP!!! Stop what you're doing now! Do the OPPOSITE! Do 180's!! Read DR, read the advice in this thread, and this time put the techniques to use and do it for months, not for hours or days.

But just prepare yourself for her to leave, because she most definitely will. You can't stop it nor should you try.

[jzoom]

I am preparing myself for her to leave. Preparing as best I can. As I said too, I have questioned if I want her in my life after finding out about the kiss and sexting.

She feels I violated her sexually. I feel she violated me emotionally. She claims that what I've done is so much worse. Pretty much, I told her to me they're on the same level.

I told her I wanted a fresh start. The closest I can get to explaining myself is like DB's idea of "divorce your old marriage and enter your new marriage with the same partner." Yes, we aren't married but it's like that to me. I told her I wanted the truth b/c I have just known something was "off" for a long time.

So I've explained my standards. If she decides to stay with me then no lies, kisses, sexting, or stuff like that. It also means I trust her (no snooping) and correct my behavior that bothers her...the controlling aspects. If she breaks my trust it's over and if I break hers I'm sure the same applies. So that's my standard if she wants this and if she decides she doesn't want it then I'm going to calmly take the ring back and just wait for her to move out.

One of my biggest issues, one of the hardest to resolve, is my attachment to the kids. Especially the baby.

[jzoom]

Oh, and I know that stating expecations like that is controlling. I get that I'm state the R is on my terms or not at all. In this case, this kind of controlling...you will be faithful and so will I...I see as justified. It's me stating that I'm still in the game if you are but we both have to play by the rules, if you don't want to play the game fairly then it is best we call it quits.

[MrBond]

But what you don't seem to understand is that you've told her all these before and are in no position to expect or demand anything from her.

You haven't even detached from her. I understand the issue with the kids, I do. But the thing is that it's about your GF and she doesn't appreciate you.