Yes I believe she is MLCer. DB coach thought so and I read up a lot and W seems to fit the majority of what I have read. I think its been coming on around 2 years when I look back. Thats not to say I am without my faults in the M and believe me I am working on a long list that I keep adding to. My work is still at the beginning but I feel I am doing well all in all. I am v different now to BD and feel more confident all round.
But I keep having these phases of mind reading/over thinking things and thought I had got through them but I find myself here again. It is like me going back into victim mode so thanks for the posts as it helps me realise where i am heading.
So after my childish I got her a card from S and she didnt etc of the past few posts (I need to work on this still!)she sent me a text v late on saying:
'just a quick note to thank you for the card and pressies from S. They're lovely thank you'. She sent another text straight afterwards saying saying:
'H, i've only just seen the card from you. Thank u for sending it and what you said (it was a simple card but I wrote a small note thanking her and appreciated the work that she always put into our christmases together. Nothing mushy - you see another of my faults was that she always took care of the majority of xmas). She said 'I feel sad that it has come to this and she is sorry for hurting me. I hope we're always friends for lots of reasons but esp the bond we have thru our boys. Youngest S in particular and the heartache we've shared with all that. No-one else understands that but us, I hope it always holds us together. Thank you x'
Well i got choked because it was a nice text and I appreciated it a lot. I would like to know:
a) did I do the right thing putting a small msg in the card thanking her? b) should i respond and if so how? c) is this a a good text from W or is it basically re-inforcing her feelings that she is thru. What do you think?
If I did the rong thing please be brutal. I am still emtional right now and perhaps not having the clearest thoughts.
I have been thinking about a response along the lines of:
'I'm glad you like the presents and thank you for the message. Whilst it does hurt, this situation has provided me with a gift that not many get the chance to receive. To be able to look hard and learn about myself, to be able to instigate change to make myself a better person.
I too am sorry for my part in our situation, that you feel like you do and the things I have done that have contributed to those feelings. But there has been enough looking into the past for now. I intend to use those lessons to focus on the future, to learn and to make myself a better father and a better man. For this I thank you x'
a) did I do the right thing putting a small msg in the card thanking her? Yes.
b) should i respond and if so how? Yes. The safe thing would be to keep it light and simple. Nothing about the R.
c) is this a a good text from W or is it basically re-inforcing her feelings that she is thru. What do you think? Re-inforcing her feelings, but that's just where she is right now, and you already knew that.
[quote=rkyfat73]I have been thinking about a response along the lines of:
'I'm glad you like the presents and thank you for the message. Whilst it does hurt, this situation has provided me with a gift that not many get the chance to receive. To be able to look hard and learn about myself, to be able to instigate change to make myself a better person.
I too am sorry for my part in our situation, that you feel like you do and the things I have done that have contributed to those feelings. But there has been enough looking into the past for now. I intend to use those lessons to focus on the future, to learn and to make myself a better father and a better man. For this I thank you x'
Not sure, any thoughts?
If you really feel the need to go into all this, I'd drop the "it hurts". You don't want to guilt her any more than she already is. Plus, you are happy in your life, remember? Yes, I know you want her back, but you need to show and maintain a PMA. Maybe say something more like "while thus was not what I would have chosen..." instead of Whilst it does hurt.
Your words also sound to me like you're taking to much of the blame for the situation. Mention it once that you have learned things and are working on bettering yourself, but don't accept all the blame for her actions. She had a part in this too.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
your right FY I don't need to go into all this. Hows about this:
Thank you for the message and glad you liked the pressies.I too am sorry that you feel the way you do and the things I have done that have contributed to those feelings. But I cannot change the past, whilst this is not what I would have chosen my focus is to continue on my own journey, to continue learning and making myself a better person for me and our children.
^^^I like it...your W and my H like that phrase "I don't want/mean to hurt you."
I always think, then don't!!! But it is not something in their control, it is because of our feelings that this is so painful.
They know how we feel and how they deal with that is how they deal with it. They also know how we feel and whether they choose to gloss over it, never mention it or take advantage of it is also up to them. We can only be responsible for our own behaviours, and indirectly, our children, who watch how we respond and how we act
your right FY I don't need to go into all this. Hows about this:
Thank you for the message and glad you liked the pressies.I too am sorry that you feel the way you do and the things I have done that have contributed to those feelings. But I cannot change the past, whilst this is not what I would have chosen my focus is to continue on my own journey, to continue learning and making myself a better person for me and our children.
Now just end it with a "hoping you have a great day/holiday season/new year" or whatever seems most appropriate.
...Oh, and no expectations.
For the record, last week I left a candle and cordial, non pressuring card out for W on the one year anniversary of her Mom's passing. Haven't heard a word about it. (but she did open the card)
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks and done!I hate texting as if I say the wrong thing it sticks! still working on the no expectations...easy to say but deep down I think we are all looking for a reaction/something.
FY how is your sitch going? I noticed your thread got moved because it breached the limit. Have you set another up yet?
Ruby thanks also, I am sure they don't mean to hurt us but as we know their emotions have taken over. Throw in OM/OW and those feelings override any feeling of guilt.
Now just end it with a "hoping you have a great day/holiday season/new year" or whatever seems most appropriate.