Next Step, Moving On

[GH31]

Nail,
I hate to say this, or maybe it will help, but I sympathize with your W - a lot. What she's saying to you felt familiar to me.

This letter is a big, ominous looking wall of text but..... if you can read what's in it and translate it into manspeak, the following words and themes come up time and time again:

Neglect

Emotional Abandonment (something it takes we men some serious effort to understand)

Feelings of being marginalised

Feelings of being taken for granted, of being incidental rather than central to your shared existence.

Criticism

Harsh verbal treatment - possibly feeling like an outlet for your own anger.

Neglect

Neglect

Neglect

I have to disagree w/Bond.

I'm afraid I likewise must disagree with Mr. Bond.

don't think it's MLC talk.

Me neither.

This is a woman in extreme emotional anguish who's trying to tell you why you find yourself in this situation.

I think that she really felt alienated from you, as much as she didn't want to feel that way.

No one wants to feel that way, but I think she very probably did.

She said you criticized and punished her and neglected her. Did you? Was this your insecurities talking? Did you really not appreciate her as much as she says? These are deep, deep, deep hurts, my friend. She is saying she gave you her body, but what she's not saying is that she felt used, she felt taken advantage of, she felt like you did not cherish her. You did not cherish her.

I committed all of these marital crimes myself. I took my W for granted, was harsh, verbally abusive, treated her with contempt, completely neglected her. And so she took off with an OM and left.

Neglect and emotional abandonment is the worst of all marital crimes from the perspective of a woman. It offends them in ways which are difficult to fathom. But as RegretfulLA said, they are very deep hurts.

Your W does not want to be with anyone weak. She is sick of it, she is over it, and what she WANTS is someone STRONG, someone who can take care of her, someone who is going to be her HERO, someone who is going to put her needs first, to put his arm around her, kiss her and tell her thank you for everything you do honey.

Read this again.

The idea that what women want is some kind of "mystery" is utter rubbish. This is what they want in their man.

Please read as much as you can on the subject of neglect and emotional abandonment. Do whatever you have to do in terms of addressing your thoughts, notions, beliefs, world view and character so that these marital crimes are never repeated, either with your W or any other woman you're with in the future.

In the meantime read DR and follow it to the letter. Give your W all the breathing space she needs and say nothing about your R. If she brings it up tell her you regret all of your mistakes deeply and take full responsibility for them, and for how thru made her feel.

Hang in there Nail. Batten down the psychological hatches and commit to the long haul.