Changing Directions

[Breakdown]

H said, "Let me capture that expression on your face" and took a photo of me.

That's crappy, but on the other hand, it's just WAS typical behavior...looking for justification.

With that said, over the years, I've had a pretty "blah" reaction to xmas gifts. I think I was focused on the receiving rather than the giving, and it definitely showed. This year, I tried to do a 180 and react positively to everything, and really focus on others. W noticed, and even said that she felt bad because I had gotten her so much and she hadn't returned the favor. I was really happy she liked her gifts and could really care less what I got or didn't get.

Happy Christmas....enjoy it. Bask in the glow of your children's happiness and wonder. It really is a magical thing.

[mamabird]

They still believe in Santa. It's wonderful. Today, more family time (H's family), and I suspect it will be the last Christmas for me and this group. On to bigger and better, whatever that looks like. Think of how much better life could be in a year.

[JuneReN]

They still believe in Santa. It's wonderful. Today, more family time (H's family), and I suspect it will be the last Christmas for me and this group. On to bigger and better, whatever that looks like. Think of how much better life could be in a year.

That is exactly what I thought lol! I wonder how amazing next year will be? I can't wait

How much fun your kids still believe. Mine are too old. And you know what? I filled my own freaking stocking HAH!!

D added to it, and was like, you can't do that.. I said, oh yes I can! Lmao!

[mamabird]

You know what, Ruby? Next year, I fill my own stocking. Mom doesn't take good enough care of Mom and that needs to change, because no one else is going to do it, as I've come to realize. My own mother is somewhat of a martyr and it hasn't done her much good; she passed that "we do for others but not ourselves" ethic onto me and I've had a hard time shaking it.

We had a good day. It took me a long time (years) to warm up to H's side of the family, but it still felt comfortable there, even with all the BS going on. I had a heart to heart with H's stepmother's sister, who is sickly but is very sweet and I have always liked her. She said she had heard things were bad, but didn't realize how bad - and also she said that H's father and stepmother held nothing against me. H has a younger half brother and sister who are in their 20s, so I've known them for more than half of their lives (when H and I started dating, they were the ages that my kids are now), and I feel like they are my little brother and sister too. H's older sister and mother were also there.

One new thing this year was a "no gifts for adults" policy, instituted by H's stepmother. Although I'm a big girl now, I found this kind of disappointing. I like receiving gifts, and I realized that it's not really fair for SM to impose that rule on everyone. So, I decided that I'm going to take a few hundred bucks and spend it on me. I really don't do enough of that. I need a haircut, a pedicure, and could use a little wardrobe overhaul, which should involve actually shopping in a store vs. my usual buy it online and hope it fits.

I gave S6 Yahtzee as one of his gifts - he loves games - and we played it w H's half bro and sis. Fun. Then S9 joined. Then when we got home they asked H to join, which he did, although he does not normally like games. A 180 for him. On the way home S9 had to pee and I had to tell H 3 times to stop the car, but afterwards, he actually said, "I'm sorry, I was wrong for not stopping." Another 180! Wish some of these 180s involved his attitude towards me, but I'll live.

[FloydMan]

RegretfulLA,

I see a couple things here in your husband’s behavior. One of which he apologized. You likely had to tell him 3 times because he was not fully grasping. Yes he heard you but he was in a state of thought and could not get past that. He is thinking. He clearly does not want to end things really...he is confused and hurt...this brings out his anger at you.
I would bet he has not told his family of OM1 or OM2....he is protecting you of this is the case. I know...I have been doing the same. It can be overwhelming to internalize. Our therapist #1 told me in a one-on-one not to protect my wife and tell who I want especially my family. I cannot do that. Why? Because inside I do not want them to know and not ever ruin a possibility of reconciliation....my family would never accept her again. He is protecting you for a reason and that can bring some heavy emotions...it is a burden but one that he is willing to do...for you. There is hope in his mind but he is not sure how to handle it. It comes out as frustration. He runs many scenarios through his mind…this is why he is not absorbing what you are saying to him.
About the gifts…that is his family and what they decided it is not yours to criticize but rather accept their way of it. My W’s family is all about gifts and money exchanges, but mine is not and we have a “no adult gift exchange” agreement….not a policy. So don’t look at is as policy and control but rather an agreement that is best to share time rather than gifts and takes some pressure off of everyone. It is stressful time enough to buy for the kids. Just relax and enjoy the time with family. Remember, it is not about giving gifts but rather giving of oneself.
I really think your H does not want this to end, and I get plenty of hints that you don’t want it to either.

[mamabird]

Floyd,
Oh, how I wish what you were saying is true.

Unfortunately, it's quite the opposite.

H's story is "Regretful cheated on me twice," and he has told it far and wide. He has told it to anyone who will listen. He has told it to his friends, his family, and our mutual friends. I have heard it come back to me from my next-door neighbor, who heard it from some other neighbor, who heard it from the (expletive) neighbor that H is so chummy with.

Now, what is the first thing you think of when you hear that?

You think of Regretful having wild sex with some random dude, not once, but twice.

The real story is that I allowed myself to really fall for OM1, but OM1 didn't know about it, and then when OM2 came along, I did engage in some very inappropriate texting. Nothing physical - ever. The first was an EA (a one-sided one) and the second was just me trying to feel better.

Do I want to reconcile? Yes, of course, I would love to have a whole family again. But my hope for H being able to come to the table and understand where I am coming from is very, very small. We have been to MC, we have had the opportunity. He has not made any steps toward being willing to do that. I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but yet, here I am, being punished on my dumb sofa bed.

When he apologized last night, that was out of empathy for S9. It had nothing to do with me, though it was a good step. I am sure if I had been the one dying to pee he not only wouldn't have stopped, but definitely wouldn't have apologized. I am a "bad person" and until he decides to view it differently, I will always be a "bad person."

I know this sounds like I am blaming H. I'm just trying to be realistic at this point. I've done a lot here, as much as I can really. But I'm finding it harder and harder to continue to put forth positive energy, getting nothing in return. Unfortunately I am human just like everyone else.

[mamabird]

Seeing photos of my friends' adventures on FB, and seeing them looking really happy makes me think that I really, really, really need to change my life. I want to feel happy like that again.

[Breakdown]

I think there are some positive signs in there. It at least looks like he's thinking about some things and I don't think it matters why he's thinking, only that he is.

The real story is that I allowed myself to really fall for OM1, but OM1 didn't know about it, and then when OM2 came along, I did engage in some very inappropriate texting. Nothing physical - ever. The first was an EA (a one-sided one) and the second was just me trying to feel better.

To me, this sounds like you are trying to minimize OM and shrug off some of the blame (I really hope you aren't at this point, but it sure sounds like it). This stings, because my W has done the same thing and I'll give you my side of it in hopes that you can understand your H a little better.

1) My W does not get to decide what behaviors hurt me. She may say "we didn't have sex" but how much did she steal from our M to give OM? And honestly, given my insecurities, OM1, and W's lying, do I trust her enough to believe anything she says regarding OM?

2) My W continues to minimize her mistakes. I find myself asking "Do you understand that this is wrong? Do you really get how much you've hurt me?" I worry that if she truly believes she did nothing wrong (which is the story I have gotten with OM2 most of the time), then it will likely happen again.

3) My W has used my behavior as justification for her own. The fact that she doesn't take complete responsibility makes me think that if I'm not perfect, she'll likely feel like she can run to OM3. Are those the vows we took?

I know you don't like your H saying you cheated on him, because most people associate that with sex. But flip it....how do you think he should describe it? How much detail do you want him to go into? If the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel about it?

You know I think your H is wrong on so many things, to the point I'd like to grab him and shake him on a few of them...but OM is not one of them.

I want to feel happy like that again.

Tell me what's stopping you without using "H" in the sentence.

[FloydMan]

I see .... Did he tell anyone after OM1 or OM 2 or both?
The fact that his family is accepting of you speaks volumes. Not just of you, but of him also. He would not have had you over at all if he did not have some hope. Neither would they. He may feel pressured by his family. I know I was, and I think my W too on her side. That creates anger and confusion.

[FloydMan]

Wow Breakdown, I could have written that myself....too familiar. That is it. I also for my sitch anyway would add:

4) denying responsibility for her part in the dysfunction leading up to the A. Just won’t grasp that part was a 2 way street too. I just chose other outlets. Cannot blame him for your choices/behavior as I cannot blame my W for mine.

5) still not being an open book, honest after the A revealed and working towards trusting behaviors.

I agree with Breakdown, I see some positive signs. Don’t underestimate his hurt or minimize it. That creates a lot of resentment. MWD definitely describes this in DR very clearly. Though I admit, I needed to do a better job on my side too, but the betrayal and lying is one thing you need to own and be responsible for. He needs to do his part and he does need to be shaken up as Breakdown says. That may help him get there. In my sitch, the A was one thing but how it was handled and dealt with was a completely other problem.