Thank you for stopping by, Subguy! Good questions. I love him as he is, but our M cannot work if he behaves the same way he's behaved all these years. He never really prioritized our M, and that would have to change. He would have to learn how to give, how to compromise. He needs to learn about what really matters in life. So if your Q is, would I just jump back into my M, my answer is no. I think I might've asked the same Q to Ruby, and she said she would take things slowly. I feel the same way.
It is true that, when on DB mode, we are focusing on ourselves, but our S's will have to also do their work (eventually) for the M to survive.
I still see him wanting to finalize the D. As I said before (thanks to Anita Morjani) I won't fight it anymore. Will just let it be. She says that if you let something negative "be" sometimes it'll dissolve in its own weakness. Do I hope this happens? Yes.
Attachment? I've always gotten an F in this subject. Haven't been able to detach. I've done a ton of GALing, and I do take care of myself, and I'm a much better person than I used to be, but I still think about him all the time and love him the same. I still feel happy when I talk to him and sad when he leaves. I miss him every day. I know I need to work on this, esp with the D coming up. Don't even want to think about it bc my stomach feels all tight and heavy, and fear starts to creep in.
I believe the same thing Tori, let go of the negative. You know it exists, but doesn't mean you have to focus on it.
Detachment is hard, because we love them, we love the memories, we love the "us". I am right beside you in all your emotions.
I think you need a dog, or a fish or something lol!! Fish are very good listeners and do not mind if you cry in the bowl.
Ruby, your comment about the fish made me chuckle :-) We always had fish, and right before I moved, the last one died...But I got a Beta fish to keep me company during the move. Now I'm waiting till I get back from my trip to buy goldfish again. The Beta fish is doing well, though. He's strong...and a great listener.
Thank you for understanding the emotions...Detaching is the hardest part.
Called my FIL and we had a nice chat. Didn't mention my H was here last night. A little later I'll call my MIL. I think their D when my H was seven must've affected my H, even though he denies it.
I think their D when my H was seven must've affected my H, even though he denies it.
Of course it did and still does. Even if he denies it. In the same way that even though I have worked through being raised by my alcoholic parents, it still affects me in subtle ways and it will always be a memory of my past life... that I CAN NOT... un-know...
I agree, Kaffe Diem--BTW, always so nice to see you post on my thread.
The conv with my MIL went well too. It seems that I'll be able to see her too when I visit CA, which will be nice. She told me Christmas is "only one day" and will be over tomorrow, and that's what her own mother used to tell her when she got D. When our problems with my H's flirting with other women started, he told me that "he wasn't his dad." So he was thinking about what the dad did. But he ended up repeating the same behavior--A followed by D filing.
Popping in to check on you. Interesting turn of events. Shame we get ourselves prepared for the worst, have good experiences, and then reset some. Yes, I'm not the best at truly detaching either (om better at keeping my mouth shut though than before;) )
Hi Tori, coming by to say hello and hope you are doing well.
I agree...D affects even if we deny it. I denied it for a long time and it wasn't only until I was an adult did I actually acknowledge to myself how much my parents D affected me. I think we are expected to act like its ok, so we deny our true feelings about it. Anyway, I hope you are doing well. Lots of love.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I think we are expected to act like its ok, so we deny our true feelings about it.
That is exactly it. Even now, with everything we know about psychology, we are told that things will get better. The unspoken assertion is that we are supposed to assume that the feelings go away and that somehow we are supposed to forget about it.
So, we stuff it and pretend everything is OK. Even start to believe that everything is OK. That things are "normal". But... we can not un-know... It always remains part of us... even if it is so buried we actually don't really remember it...
Anyhow, you are bang on the money with noticing that in yourself and I'm glad you are able to affirm that, here.
Everyone... ourselves, our kids, our parents, our friends... our spouses... D affects everyone and will do so for the rest of our lives.
It's important that we always acknowledge that and by knowing and remembering (the good and the bad), we can adjust our actions and reactions, fully aware.
I think we are expected to act like its ok, so we deny our true feelings about it.
That is exactly it. Even now, with everything we know about psychology, we are told that things will get better. The unspoken assertion is that we are supposed to assume that the feelings go away and that somehow we are supposed to forget about it.
So, we stuff it and pretend everything is OK. Even start to believe that everything is OK. That things are "normal". But... we can not un-know... It always remains part of us... even if it is so buried we actually don't really remember it...
Anyhow, you are bang on the money with noticing that in yourself and I'm glad you are able to affirm that, here.
Everyone... ourselves, our kids, our parents, our friends... our spouses... D affects everyone and will do so for the rest of our lives.
It's important that we always acknowledge that and by knowing and remembering (the good and the bad), we can adjust our actions and reactions, fully aware.
Yup. You cannot un- know, but you can change how you react to things as an adult and you have the ability to look at why you behave like this. Such a gift, not one any of us ever wanted, but to turn your back on it would be a crime
I wish my H would express his feelings about his parents' D. He tends to supress his emotions. I've only seen him cry twice--the time he said he wanted a D and a time prior to that, when he was telling me he wasn't sure about the future of our M. And it lasted like 30 seconds only.
My H is not a bad person. I know it. He's lost. And I know my behavior caused a lot of the pain that drew him away from me and our M. He didn't know how to handle problems. He still doesn't know.
Hey, everyone. There's something running through my mind and I wish I could ask my coach about it, but I won't have a chance to talk to her till the end of next month. So maybe you can help me figure it out.
My H had said in 2 instances that he doesn't want to "make us even more confused." And then there's that time when he said he was wondering if he was doing the right thing. If this happens again, should I prompt him to talk more about it, and then ask if he is confused enough to grant a delay to the D proceedings?
This could be a really bad idea, so I'm reluctant to do it. If I'm going to follow the "allowing" philosophy, I should just let the D happen (which is what I am doing.) If I ask this to my H, our current R might suffer. He might back away again to not give me "hope" and might stop sharing his feelings. But if I don't say anything, I feel that I might be missing a chance to avoid the D. I remember my coach's words about the WAS feeling that they can't change their minds bc "everyone knows" and the pressure from society is too big to overcome. At the same time, my H knows how I feel about our M, so if he really wanted to slow things down, he would've said something, right? He wouldn't be asking the L to get it done as soon as possible.
A middle of the range strategy would be to just ask him to elaborate on his feelings, and if I sense that he is really doubting his decision, ask if there is anything we could do to make him feel better about the process. Something to have the suggestion to come from himself, and if it doesn't happen, well, too bad.
Thoughts? I'm sure reading your takes on this will help.
Side info: He called today to talk about financial stuff and then we exchanged some texts--fun and positive. He told me what he's doing tonight (disclosing more) and called my mom again just to say hi. The current R is good. Don't want to spoil it.
