Changing Directions

[RegretfulLA]

When you called husband azzhole, you meant to say, "I feel you do not value my opinions and my priorities and it makes me either ignore what you want or lash out. I am going to explain next time something is important to me and why and you can say why it is important to you (to leave exactly at 11) and hopefully we can compromise"

Ah, Ruby. I wish I were anywhere near that place right now. I tried to be... maybe I'll get it back over the next few days.

Finding myself a little sad this am, as is to be expected, and reminding myself that it is much better to give than receive. I know that sounds like I am focused on "gifts", which I really am not, but I feel so empty most of the time.

The boys were thrilled that Santa came - we opened presents together and it was fun. They made a big deal about how "mom didn't get anything in her stocking" and I made a comment about how "Santa always forgets me" which I probably shouldn't have made. I put a DVD in H's stocking, which I got free from work. It was Chris Nolan's first movie and H was pretty excited about it actually. Last year, H put an iPod touch in my stocking but then said that it wasn't for me, it was for our house's sound system. That was super hurtful. (I made him take the iPod back.)

The other thing that happened - I opened some jewelry from my sister and I was kind of taken aback because it seemed pretty junky (silver colored plastic kind of thing). H said, "Let me capture that expression on your face" and took a photo of me.

Last night, H gave me some perfume. It wasn't the perfume that I wanted because the one I wanted has been discontinued. He told me that upfront and asked me if there was something else I wanted. He actually got me some very nice perfume instead, and I just went on some perfume website and got me a big a$$ bottle of the one I really wanted for $30. I have one more gift for him which I will give to him at his parents' house this afternoon but I doubt he has anything else for me. Usually, he hides his gifts and brings them out at the last minute, but I'm certainly not expecting anything else. Still and all, I'm grateful for the gift that I got, because he didn't have to do that, especially in the current "climate."

Now I'm hungry and wishing that H would make me breakfast, but he appears to be asleep, so I guess I'll end up making HIM breakfast, even though I don't want to. But if I make bacon and eggs and don't ask him if he wants any, then I'm repeating more of old behavior.

I also recommend reading your threads here and re-reading DR. As your state of mind changes, I find that I see different things in DR.

Good idea. Would love to internalize how far I have come...