Thank you snodderly, for hunting that up. H has been obsessively clean and neat all his life. Family stories about him having two finger lengths between his shirts in the closet, and vacuuming the floor in front of his dresser so he could detect footprints of a sibling getting into his drawers have been passed on for years.
Before BD, I had a talk with him about our youngest son's OCD problem, which had gotten worse over the summer. H said that he thought he had symptoms, too.
That was the first time he ever mentioned it, and at the time, I didn't think a whole lot of it, since it didn't affect his daily functioning to my knowledge, which was, admittedly, limited due to his secretive behavior.
I have since read that people with OCD as children have a higher rate of depression as adults.
That would explain my S18's depression symptoms. He had mild symptoms of OCD at puberty, as have S16 and my 10 year old.
My daughter was diagnosed with depression at 17.
I have always assumed their issues were from my family history, which includes both OCD and depression. Now I assume that my children have the double whammy. OCD and depression on both sides.
Good morning Miss Agnes - I'm just reading your thread for the first time today. I like your energy a lot. I have to admit I didn't read the last one, but from what I can tell, our H's are similar. Mine has been depressed for years and is finally on medication now.
After BD, my H hasn't complimented me. Sometimes I fish but he never comes out with it on his own. I also have felt horribly unappreciated; do you feel like that too? My H has a good R with our sons but has been treating me like dirt for some time.
I loved your list of questions that you would ask H. I wish I could ask same.
You sound like you're handling it all as well as can be expected. I'm impressed that you're not whining... I know I have done more than my fair share of whining here.
Have a wonderful Christmas... I look forward to hearing more...
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
I reread Divorce Remedy over the holidays, and one passage resonated with me: “You’ve stopped doing things that give you pleasure. Chances are, you even think you’ve forgotten how to have pleasure. The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself for a while.”
Christmas was hard, and so was New Year’s Eve. but after the holidays, I was really determined to enjoy the things I like doing. So that is what I’ve been doing for the last month.
I’ve read. And read some more. I’ve knitted. I’ve learned to write with a fountain pen. I’ve listened to new music. I’ve taken part in a protest at our state capitol for a cause I believe in.
That was the me. This is the “he.”
We had a confrontation between Christmas and New Year’s. I ambushed him and demanded to see his phone and computer. After staring me down for – no joke- 45 minutes, he finally consented.
I didn’t find a darn thing. And the subsequent conversation resulted only in an admission that he had emotionally divorced me, and another ILYBINILWY. He made two surprising statements: that it was embarrassing to admit that, and that it had happened before that he had lost feelings for me, but the feelings had come back.
The second one was my pointing out that I didn’t think it reasonable that he had gone without sex for a year, being a healthy (I’m assuming here) male. He said, “Well, neither have you.”
I was too stunned to say that, under different circumstances, I would not be averse to actually acting like man and wife.
I asked about the receipts, too. He said he wasn’t hiding them, just didn’t think I used them to check the credit card statements. He put most of the old ones in an envelope for me. Nothing on the receipts was out of line.
I got a gift for Christmas from the boys and Santa, long underwear. And a kiss on the cheek in thank you for the gift card the boys and I gave him. I got a kiss on the cheek on New Year’s Eve, too. I’m sure that both pained him.
There have been some significant changes in him, which started during his time off for the holidays. He has spent much more time downstairs with the family, watching movies or watching the boys play video games.
He has even attempted to play himself once or twice. He has told me that he is trying to bond with the boys.
He has initiated more conversations with me. He has emailed a couple times. He has even called a couple times. Last Friday he called to ask if I minded if he met a friend who was passing through town for dinner.
I still don’t know if there is ow. Not finding anything wasn’t a relief. I still feel that he is getting emotional closeness, at the very least, from someone else. After the holidays were over, I was just sick and tired of being obsessed over it and being unsuccessful about putting it out of my mind.
That is when I decided to renew my focus on me. I read 5 Love Languages and have tried to put that into practice with my boys and H. I figure it can only improve my relationships in life.
Two other books I’ve enjoyed are The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom and Emily of Deep Valley by Maud Hart Lovelace.
That one in particular is a good inspiration to “ Muster your wits: stand in your own defense.” It is about a high school graduate who is left behind when all her buddies go off to college. She has to learn to let go of her old life and not feel sorry for herself. She has to Get a Life. Sounds familiar.
Thanks for stopping by. I haven't posted in quite a while. Finding that too much time spent here was sidelining other things I should be doing.
I hear you about the compliments. I'm not sure what the problem is with giving an honest compliment once in a while. Normal people give them all the time, even to people they are not in love with.
I hope your New Year is going well. I can't believe Feb is almost here.
About 2 weeks ago, I got a phone message from one of H old girlfriends, wanting to see if H and I could get together for dinner one night. She is a very nice lady who I've gone to lunch with on occasion.
H and I went to dinner with her and her husband about a year ago. She has kept in touch with H sporadically through the years.
I left her a message that she would have to call H and check with him. I figured I would put the ball in his court, and if he didn't want to go, he could make some excuse about his schedule being too full. It wouldn't me pressuring him to go to keep up appearances.
I didn't hear back from her all week, which I thought was strange. I wondered if he had talked to her and declined.
She called me yesterday and we chatted for about 10 minutes. She said that she had talked to H. She said that he said he would love to get together with them, that he had been working a lot, and needed to have some fun and relax.
She said that although he had a lot on his plate, he laughed and joked. He told her about our son's good grades in college. He told her all about his new boss. He told her I had been walking a lot.
She said he said that he would check his schedule and would get back to her this weekend after talking with me. He has not mentioned one word to me.
She asked him if he knew she had called, and he said yes, we knew she had called. I don't know how he knew that unless he checked the handset to our home phone, which he never uses.
Thinking about the masks snodderly mentioned in tvs thread. Away from home, he is the same old fun filled guy. The one who used to make my cheeks hurt from laughing so much.
Here in the home lives the man whose main conversations consist of what the weather is going to be. And who acts like he would rather walk the plank than sit anywhere near me.
Please send some positive thoughts my way. Tomorrow all of us have to attend a family bday party, and then Superbowl party. I feel so uncomfortable being ignored by him at his family's house. Not knowing if he has said anything to them bothers me, too.
On another note, I am excited about some new activities my children are going to be participating in, which I think will be good for them and me. I just hope that I can be organized enough to pull it off. It's a huge time commitment. Wish me luck.
How did it go at the SuperBowl party? And the birthday party?
Is the organizing for sons' activities going well? I'm glad you are excited about it and that it will be good for you too!
Wishing you the best today,
rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Hi rh, thanks for checking in, it means a lot, all the support here.
The activity schedule is daunting, and goes through December. I hope I can manage it well.
I'm going to journal yesterday.
I was mentally noting all the things that he didn't do that he would have normally done in the past. We drove together to the family bday party, but I was last out of the car. Instead of waiting for me and letting me go in first, he walked to the door, knocked, and went in with the boys.
He didn't offer to get me something to drink. He talked to everyone in the family but me.
Our boys drove with the grandparents to their house for the Superbowl party, while H and I drove home. He had some work to do, and I had to let the dog out and get some laundry done.
He asked if I had eaten anything at the party and I said no, I hadn't wanted to eat pizza again as I'd had it the previous night.
He went into our home office and closed the door. When I left to go to my inlaws, I opened the door and said goodbye. He said he would be there soon.
Over there, he spent most of his time, as usual, in another room. The only notable thing that happened was that he walked up to where I was, which was sitting next to S 16 and asked, "Did you like the roast beef?" I assumed H was speaking to my son. because he mainly addresses the boys at home, and not me.
He repeated his question and waved his hand in front of my face to get my attention Later, he asked if I wanted some cake, which I politely declined.
One thing that happened that really bothered me was something his dad said to me last night. H estranged stepsister was at the party. She is the black sheep of the family and recently got out of jail.
FIL was commenting to me how different she was acting, very polite and gracious. He said he had told her that they were willing to start fresh, and if she wanted to, to be "a part of this." He meant the gathering of the clan for birthdays and holidays. Then he tapped me on the chin, and said, "Just like you."
Just like me what?
FIL and MIL have not mentioned one word about H behavior. And it bothers the he!! out of me that I don't know what they know, or what H has told them. It seems they are pros at Acting as if everything is normal.
I hate being kept in the dark about everything.
I left early with youngest son, to get him to bed on time.
The old girlfriend called last night and left a message on our home phone, the one which H never uses, asking him to give her a call about dinner. He didn't mention anything to me. I didn't mention anything to him, and I won't.
Can you believe one of the evenings she suggested for dinner was Valentine's day? I might give her a call and let her know that if she hopes to talk to him, she has to call his cell phone.
Sometimes I think to myself that this is so stupid, so stupid.
Oh, MissA, I know about being kept in the dark about everything. and it's so hard to know our H's are willing (so it seems) to talk about our sitches to everyone else but us! I hate that!
It take so much self-control and patience to go on! But you are doing it!
Seems like the activity with the boys may be just what the doctor ordered, as it were!
Hope today goes well for you.
Hugs to you, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
MissAgnes, Your h's behavior at the bday party was very common of mlcers. They will wear masks around everyone and be attentive to others, but we are left standing there alone and yes, not even offer to get you a drink. We become the elephant in the room w/them.
As for your fil's comment, take it w/a grain of salt and toss it over your shoulder. He has no business comparing you to his "black sheep" daughter and you can't sweep what your h has done and continues to do under the rug. That's part of the problem w/your h now...no accountability or recognition during his childhood.
You may never know what your h has shared w/them, but remember, blood is thicker than water and they will believe whatever comes out of his mouth for a long time, but if they are smart people, they will figure it out in the months ahead. Continue to be yourself and don't allow them to get under your skin. You have nothing to hide or prove to them.
Call the old girlfriend and advise her to contact him via his cell. I wouldn't want to meet up on Valentine's Day, but that's me.
Yes, all of this is very stupid, but you aren't dealing w/an adult, but a young boy who needs to grow up.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
