Sm, that's a tough sitch! I was clear with W that if she left I supported her decision but she wld be on her own (or to that effect). I told her that kids have a home here and wld never be without a roof over their head. She spewed big time and without some help from these forums I wld have caved as every guilt trip in the book was thrown at me. Eventually she did apologise and seemed to show me a bit more respect afterwards. It reminded me of a teenage tantrum where they kick and scream and when the penny drops that their tactics don't work they either try new ones or accept ur stance.
Financial support is a tough one though but in our case I cld not afford to run 2 homes so it rly was a no go for me. Eventually she give me the opp to explain properly.
Re the plan some seem to have it all worked out by the time they bd and they are gone. I thought this was classic WAW as described by michelle. But the more I read sitchs the more sitchs I see where there are no firm plans.
I certainly wld not have supported W whilst she waited for OM to earn more money before she moves in with him. IDK what others think but this sounds unacceptable and she will not respect u in the long run. Remember she is fogged out of her mind and will think u owe it to her (all stuff my W said to me and all script). Perhaps others will comment on this but think carefully before u act as in my sitch it made things a lot worse initally. Of course she told everyone how bad I was but failed to mention to them I was also repaying all our marital debts which were huge.
If you look at everyone's signatures on the forum, you may notice most WAS drop the bomb in september, october or november. Just in time to.ruin the.holidays! Could it be the weather?
Haha! In my case I forced the issue, I brought up he wasn't happy (but his behaviour had changed significantly over the months previous). I also looked at his phone and saw that getting rid of his wife was number three on a long list of things to stop, so that may have also been an indication...lmao!!
But, New Year, new WAS? They probably think that, but don't realize that we have been working on us for the past three months now, and don't need a new year to be the person you wanted to be
I think it will be a little kick in the pants because we realize that things don't change until you make the change from within. You can get rid of all sorts of things, kids, spouses, responsibilites, but until you start to take a long hard look at yourself, you are still exactly where you were when you left.
Sorry to hear that you're not feeling quite out of the abyss at the moment. It sounds as if you're doing a great job DBing nonetheless. I guess it's a long haul...
Hang in there and I hope that tomorrow goes as well as possible with your S19 and S12. Keep checking in here too if you get the chance as I do think that helps us keep the big picture in mind.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Sandi2 made these posts from an earlier thread of mine. Think I will print it off and stick it to my wall! it may help others...
"But I just want you to brace yourself to expect the worst. Some think that's too negative, but if you look for signs from her and get your hopes up over little things....then you will experience the same feelings as when you got the bomb over & over again.
Am I saying to give up and never have hope? No. But I am saying that it's going to get worse. I can only think of a few times that it hasn't happened in people's stitch here on the board. If you keep your head and emotions intact, and you prepare for whatever you think she could possibly do to make matters worse....then I think that's being realistic and you won't be completely blindsided by future tricks she pulls out of her bag.
That's why some LBH's can't be best friends with his WAW for quite some time. Maybe never. Hopefully, there will come a time you can be friend..ly to each other, but being friendly is not being best friends. It's not letting her take advantage or disrespect you. Instead of trying to prove how much you love her, you need to protect you and your children financially.
You prepare mentally as best as you can. If need be, think of things she may say and how you will respond. I know of some who actually would practice in front of a mirror. If that's what it takes to keep your feet planted, then do it. Otherwise, she'll keep you knocked down.
The mistake so many make is they don't believe their W would ever do those kind of things, and therefore, they will not listen to what people on the board try to tell them and they set themselves up to fall. I am always telling newcomers that this is not the girl you M anymore.
By the time a LBH comes here, the W is done. She doesn't want to work on the R. She's through. That's why doing all those things you should have done years ago doesn't work well. I'm not talking about improvements on you. I'm talking about romantic things, etc. It's too late for that now. If the M is reconciled and the two of you find a good pro-marriage C, then you can do those things later. But now isn't the time. You have to take a different avenue right now.
Your W will get very angry at you. Expect it. You will feel that there isn’t any hope for the two of you. Expect to have those times. But if you continue to stand your ground by doing what you know is right, she will begin to see the man she M and she will begin to respect you again. It will take her time. She won’t even admit it to herself for a long time…..but it will happen".
We get so much advice that sometimes the stuff from earlier threads gets forgotten and often its the most important! Basically I got my hopes up and it brought me crashing down again.
Just thought i would log in for a quick update and to say merry xmas to all,
Just got back from dropping kids off at W. She gave me a hug and kiss when I arrived but no xmas card from her or present from youngest S. No expectations right?
I got her a card from me (just a simple one which I would do any close friend) and a few extra gifts from youngest S. She did'nt thank me and just left them on the dining table.
As I was leaving she dropped in that they were having goose for dinner (W had never had goose until she met me and knows that it is my favourite). She also asked if I wanted to take some, I told her no thanks as I am out for xmas dinner with family.
She was also dressed to kill and looked hot. The kids werent allowed to open their presents until I was gone. The whole thing felt awkward so I did'nt stay too long and she gave me a hug again as I left.
The whole thing seemed like a chirade to make me feel bad i.e look what ur missing!
On a positive note had a great morning with the kids as we opened our presents together.
No expectations....helped D get a few gifts for H, bought him a little something...I have no expectation, not even Thank you, but this will be my response if he says I didn't get you anything:
A gift is just that, a gift. It comes with no strings, no expectations, otherwise, it would be a condition and not a gift at all.
I would have liked her to have got me a card from youngest S though. He cannot write with his disability and it hurt as when stepson was younger she always got his dad a card from him.
Re the gifts I agree but it was the way she ignored them. I did not expect anything back but did not get any thanks, nothing and neither did S given they were supposed to be from him.
It confuses the h$ll out of me as she then gives me a hug as I leave.
Guess I am focussing on W too much again though. Anyway, its done, I have done the right thing in my mind and so need to put it behind and go and enjoy my xmas dinner.
As actions speak louder than words, could it be possible that the hug W gave you was a thank you?
Yes, you did the right thing. Leave it at that with zero expectations of anything.
If you think about it too much it will end up confusing you because you'll play out every possible thing that any of her actions might mean. I'm willing to bet your W's fog is so thick that she has no idea what anything means. If you believe she is a MLCer, I can tell you that they are totally emotionally driven. Not a lot of room in there for rational thoughts.
So yes, get back to focusing on the only thing you can control, you!
