Changing Directions

[mamabird]

You all are good people - all of you here on this thread, and on this board. You are caring, you are smart, you are kind and you are thoughtful. I don't know you in the flesh, but I know this to be true because I've felt it and experienced it right here. You have all made a big difference in my life and I don't know where I'd be without your support. I wish all of you all the best at Christmas and always.

Sigh. I see it now. I see how my unwillingness to commit to "Yes, I promise to be ready at 11" was passive-aggressive. In a way, I didn't want to commit because I also tend to run late, so if I wasn't ready, then I'd break the commitment and I would be "punished" (which is what happened on the "closet night"). And I felt he was being controlling by setting such a rigid rule, and I didn't want to be controlled.

Christmas Eve was pleasant. We went to my mother's and mom's BF's 2 daughters, SIL and granddaughter joined us. Usually it is my MIL and her partner, and - hate to say this - they are pretty boring, so this crowd was a welcome change. Actually it was a lovely evening.

I wondered if H maybe had softened up a bit, so I grabbed his hand on a whim during the drive up. He made a face and said, "No thank you", so I immediately stopped and that was that. We didn't talk much during the evening or the drive home. I felt pretty unappreciated as usual, but I've quietly factored that in now, and have come to expect it. On the flip side, I can clearly see how wrong that is.

Spending some time now reviewing my old journal - back from the OM1 days. This was nearly 4 years ago now, but my issues w H haven't changed. I am reviewing it for my own sanity, basically - to remind myself that I have been unhappy for a really long time, to revisit the conversations we've had, to bolster my confidence in my decision that we need to separate. To make myself feel like I'm not nuts. And to remind myself that I can feel safe, heard and loved.