Someone pushed the repeat button on my MLCer!

[hrm134]

Hello all, haven't been on here in awhile, been busy, but busy = good, right?

snodderly~ I've come to realize no matter who or what the real culprit is I'm the one projected on, blamed, spewed at, treated like the enemy, etc. I would have thought after this amount of time H would see I'm not the enemy, but he always has been a stubborn one.

Yeah, I can understand why he was upset, but honestly, I don't care, because I'm really tired of being lied to, and quite clearly anytime his mouth is moving he is lying. The thing is, I knew before he was going to that party, you don't spend 12 years with someone and not know when they are lying sometimes. It's just annoying because there is no reason to lie to me. I have been getting better at pulling out the tiny bit of truth buried among the line of BS.

He's clearly still majorly confused, I mean look at Sunday, we went from H totally freaking out, to being the H I know is still in there, to H keeping me at arms length.... The irony here is he doesn't want to be controlled (which I have NEVER done) yet his family continues to control him..... hmmmm..... puppet master needs knocked off her pedestal..... meanwhile his father would like a relationship with his children and is failing health wise but nope..... puppet master says dance and they ALL listen, it really baffles me.... And if I think about it enough makes me furious, so I've stopped thinking about it, it is what it is. I just keep repeating my mantra,God has a plan.

Don't worry, I won't push counseling, no need to, he knows it's an option and he knows my opinion on the matter, no sense beating a dead horse.

I'm just wondering how long this sex ban will last.... they don't usually make it past a week or two.... time will tell I suppose.

You know what else snodderly, after Sunday's conversations, I am really doing even better with the detachment. Perhaps because it just proved to me that no matter what act he's putting on for other people, that's all it is, an act. He's a very confused person, and I know the good man is still in there somewhere, trying to come out, but continually gets pushed back down by fear and selfishness.

For right now I'm just keeping myself busy, keeping my distance, being kind, if he wants to truly work on things he will come to me..... I just get scared because I know he still has a lot of things to work through internally before he can come back to our M.

Yeah it all makes me sad to think about and I miss him, we were good friends, made a great team, and yes loneliness takes it's toll, but I'm not going to focus on that, I'm going to push past it. I'm just going to continue to be me, live my life, and pray, pray, pray. Who knows what the future holds, I'm not going to waste too much of the present trying to figure it out.

T~ Yeah, work for him svcks, his boss is crazy, she freaks out randomly, perhaps she is mentally ill, IDK, but that has been going on for years, and I guess some things never change.

Puppet master has always been controlling, yet for some reason in his mind it's ok that she's controlling and always gets her way.... Funny, when he said I need to stand up to her it was on the tip of my tongue to say perhaps he should try this, but I didn't, I know that would have gone poorly since "he's gotten closer with his mom" *rolling eyes* makes me want to vomit! Sorry.... sorry.... it's just she's always been jealous of me and rude to me and I have tired to have a good relationship with her. I think she doesn't like that she can't control me...

I remember her trying to control our wedding, that didn't happen, wasn't her day, so not her say. She also tried to make him late that day.... and I'll never forget the only wedding picture she purchased was one of just him!! Yeah... and her excuse, is priceless, kind of hilarious now, crazy woman.... she said it wasn't her fault the photographer didn't take any pictures of just me!!! LOL Um, hello, he didn't marry himself, nor did I, so wouldn't you get a pic of us together... yeah, that's the kind of crazy I'm dealing with.

AJ~ Thank you for your input! I'm definitely on board with the keeping my distance!!! I'm tired of being a punching bag! Oh and you hit the nail on the head, H needs to grow up and stand up to his family, for sure.

My counselor thinks even though he got mad this is still progress. IDK. I'm not about putting labels on it right now. Time will tell, but I just kind of feel like I am being set up for failure because I know he's not really in a place where he could work on us because he still needs to work on him, but I can't tell him that. He thinks he's great. In that conversation Sunday evening he made a comment about he doesn't want things to go back to the way they were, which I agreed, but the more I thought about it the more annoyed I got, if anyone should be apprehensive about things going back to the way they were it should be me, not him, he really has had it damn good..... so I'm not sure to what he was referring, but it doesn't really matter right now anyway. Thanks again for your input!

mirage~ Wow, thank you for sharing that with me. It's interesting how so many other people can see our worth but not our MLC spouse... As much as it's no picnic to be the LBS, I would never in a million years want to be the one in MLC.

updates~ Like I said before I've been really busy this week! Even so, H has been making a small effort to interact with me more. Tuesday morning he asked me if I would be home that evening, he thought we could get a pizza. I told him I would be working out after work and then stopping quick at the discount grocery store to look for something for a friend, but I could pick it up on my way home. He said that would work and told me to call him when I got to the store.

That evening I called him when I got to the store, he said he'd order the pizza and call me when he ordered it so I would know when it was ready. (wow 2 phone calls, strange) lol

When I got home with the pizza we sat in the living room to eat and H asked me if I did anything interesting at work. I told him not really and a bit about my day. I asked did you? He says, "I dressed up like Elvis and did a dance." I cracked up laughing and said, "what?...Why?"

He proceeded to tell me a female co-worker (the one he had mentioned inappropriately in an e-mail a few months ago) came over with the costume and asked for a favor for a sales video. I was a good girl and didn't say a blessed thing about her because he already knew I didn't like her from before. I just asked, "Did it come with a wig?" Surprisingly, yes. Which made me laugh more. I asked if he was going to show off his Elvis moves for me, he said no. I said I would love to see that video when it's done! He went on to tell me he got all of his other co-workers to do it too.

Then he got his phone out and showed me a picture of him wearing an elf hat, a male co-worker on either side wearing Santa hats, and 2 female co-workers standing in front, the one I knew, the other was new. He said they took the pic for the male co-worker(the one who's a bad influence) because he was out of town for work. I cracked up laughing because the look on his face was like, take the damn picture now I can't believe I'm wearing an elf hat! I told him that too, he kind of laughed.

I haven't really been around him much since. He did let me know he would be home late Thursday night due to having dinner with his mother.... yea.... and Friday night due to shopping, so that was nice of him to tell me.

Last night when he got home I did let him know that I may have to leave in the middle of the night and I would have my phone turned up because my one friend is going to have her baby any day and I am one of the people she has on stand by to stay with her other two children while she is giving birth. He thanked me for telling him and said he hopes everything works out for her.

Wednesday evening my dear friend and I went to visit another friend who has been in the hospital for a month and will be there for another because she is pregnant and the baby was trying to come waaay early. It was nice to visit with her and her husband. H knew we were going to see her and asked the next day how she is doing. So I gave him the highlights and thanked him for asking.

In other news, I'm so excited I have off work until Jan 2! Yea, one perk to my job! I'm looking forward to relaxing some!!!! Of course after I finish my Christmas shopping today! LOL

Also, thank you all for taking time to give me your input, I really do appreciate it!!!

[AJM]

My counselor thinks even though he got mad this is still progress. IDK. I'm not about putting labels on it right now. Time will tell, but I just kind of feel like I am being set up for failure because I know he's not really in a place where he could work on us because he still needs to work on him, but I can't tell him that. He thinks he's great. In that conversation Sunday evening he made a comment about he doesn't want things to go back to the way they were, which I agreed, but the more I thought about it the more annoyed I got, if anyone should be apprehensive about things going back to the way they were it should be me, not him, he really has had it damn good..... so I'm not sure to what he was referring, but it doesn't really matter right now anyway.

Has it occurred to you that may be why he doesn't want things to be how they were? Not because of you, but because of him?

It just seems to me this is about him growing up and breaking away from his mother. I know that can be tough especially if mom is a crackpot and a control freak. Many are where it concerns their sons. Not easy to break away.

I would guess while he does that he's about a nut job himself. But I think he comes and goes for that reason. And the real question is which way will he go now that he started.

I agree with the counselor that the anger is an improvement.


Keep up the great work and the great attitude H. Life really is good even if you don't always get to see it at the moment.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,

AJ

[job]

I agree w/AJ...it's about him and not wanting to go back to the way things were w/him. He's getting a bit stronger, but he's still confused as to why he feels the way he does. His mother is a controller and manipulates him. He's trying to find a way to break away from her. He feels loyal to her because she is his mother and yet, he desperately wants to cut the ties w/her. Again the question will be which way will he go from here.

Your situation is difficult because he is living at home, but my hat's off to you because you've done a great job in dealing w/him. I'm sorry he blew his cork and lashed out at you, but they always say that you hurt the one closest to you. Unfortuantely, he knew he could lash out at you and that you were a "safe" person to do it with.

Hang in there. I do think he's starting to see life a bit differently, but it's going to be a slow process because his timeclock is slow.

Merry Christmas!

[hrm134]

AJ~ You know what? No that thought never occurred to me, that is a very good point. I'm sitting here wondering how that thought never crossed my mind, maybe because the rest of that part of the conversation revolved around things he didn't want to change (relationships with his mom and sister), so I just assumed he was referring to me. Hmmm.... but you raise a good point. Thank you. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you too!

Snodderly~ Thank you for your words of encouragement and continued support! Merry Christmas to you too!

[hrm134]

Ok, so I need to vent for 2 minutes, because if not my head may very well explode...

I have been gone all morning, my friend went to the doctor and they sent her to the hospital, she ended up getting sent back home because her contractions are five minutes apart, so I could be called back to her place at any time to watch her other kids.

I got home this afternoon, H asked about her and I filled him in. I said I may have to leave in the middle of the night, if so please remember to take the gifts I have for his family. I had made homemade all natural body scrub and because I'm such a nice person I made one for his mom, sister and brothers gf, I also bought a small gift for our niece I have yet to meet. He said maybe when he gets back this evening we could put them in a bag. He is going to his mom's house tonight AND tomorrow..... wtf..... controlling b!tch. I asked if there was an occasion for him to be going both times, he crankily answered, "Because she invited me, and if it makes her happy."

At this point I pasted on a smile and said, "well those cookies aren't going to bake themselves." and walked into the kitchen, started pulling out ingredients. The more I thought about it the more hurt and furious I became.... I came back here to where the computer was.

H comes back and says, you didn't get me anything for Christmas did you? I'm sure he knows that a yes, all he would have to do is read the tags on the gifts under the tree. I said yes, I did. He tried to look annoyed and said I knew you would do that, I got you a little something too. I said that's so sweet, you didn't have to do that, I may cry. He told me not to cry it's no big deal. I told him it meant something to me that he thought of me. He said, "I never said I stopped thinking about you." I didn't say anything to him, but I do remember him saying on several monster occasions that he doesn't think of me.... He then asked me how much weight I have lost, said I look smaller than when we met, I told him I'm not. I told him he did too. He went on to tell me he went and ran 2 miles at the gym today and was thinking about doing a 5K, I said I've been thinking about doing that too. I told him the autism walk/run is in April (like it is every year) he seemed interested.... IDK what to think of anything anymore....


Then he went on to say he thinks we should start having our talks after the holidays and he doesn't think we should talk at home because our talks don't end up good. He said we either end up fighting or in bed. I pointed out that if we went somewhere together we would end up in bed and that doesn't mean that's a bad thing. he chuckled at me. I'm not really looking forward to these talks because he's clearly needing to work through his own issues, and I'm not dealing with Mr. Spoiled for the rest of my life. He's my husband and I love him very much, but my life isn't going to revolve around placating to his mother. I don't know what her grip is on him, but he needs to wake up and see her for who she really is.

Then as he was getting ready to leave, I said, oh are you leaving now? He got a little annoyed and was like, "Yeah. Why am I allowed?" I was a bit thrown off and said, "Of course, I didn't realize we were done talking, sorry."

I kind of almost think he was looking for an excuse not to go, but sorry, not my problem, you want to make mommy happy, and bend to her every beck and call have at it, that's not going to happen for me. Cut the strings H, cut the strings, wake up and see this is NOT a healthy parent/child relationship.

Also during the earlier conversation he asked if I was going anywhere for Christmas or not because of the baby and if my friend had anyone else to help. I told him no, I plan on cooking, and no not really, her sister in law has kids and her work schedule is different, so I'm her first go to. He asked what time I am making dinner. I told him for around noon unless I would have to leave, and he is more than welcome to eat. He said his mom is going to have early dinner this year, so he will be eating there, but he's sure I'll have plenty of leftovers..... story of my fvcking life with him and his super enmeshed mother relationship.....I'm sick and tired of being the leftovers...

Deep cleansing breath.... deep cleansing breath..... now.... how do I handle these darn talks he wants to have..... especially with his mom's hand up his ass....and when the heck are is eyes opened to her and her evil ways??

[job]

hrm,
I'm so sorry he's so entrenched up her ying yang. Sounds like he's reliving his childhood and seeking out mommy's attention at every turn.

As for the talks...seriously...what are they going to accomplish? You are going to be sitting there listening to an mlcer going on and on. I can't see them being very productive for either of you until he get's his head of mommy's ying yang. If I were put in this position, I might have one discussion w/him and go from there.

I hope that your friend has her baby soon. The baby is going to be a Christmas baby. That little tyke isn't going to want to wait around until after Christmas, so you may need to plan accordingly.

Any way, he's off his pod and the holidays have got him twisted. I know you would love to have a nice, quiet holiday, but I don't think that's going to happen, what w/the baby coming and your h bouncing in and out of your home and mommy's. I swear, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't cook until late, late afternoon, just so that when he returns home, there would be no leftovers for him to have.

I'm so sorry that your holiday has already started off on the wrong foot. I do hope it gets better for you. Continue to take deep breaths and count to ten whenever you think about the upcoming talks and mommy dearest. (Maybe she'll get run over by a reindeer.)

[BeingMe]

Why does he want to talk? I would just say, "I'll talk when I'm good and ready."

[hrm134]

snodderly~ Looks like her control knows no bounds.... I was up at 7:30 and H came in asking if I was awake, I said yeah. He gave me a card, the card had a gift card to my favorite store in it. So that's a definite improvement from last year... Anyway, I gave him his gifts, I got him some little things of his favorite candy, and a shooting DVD he had wanted. When he was opening it I could see the depression trying to peek out in his eyes, looked like he could cry, but didn't, instead, mechanically thanked me and said I shouldn't have done that. I told him I love Christmas and buying gifts for people.

A few minutes before 8 he asked me which gift bags were the ones he was to take with him. I showed him and said, "You're leaving already? Wow that is an early dinner." His reply, "Mom said no one is allowed to open anything until everyone gets there." I said, "Well have a great day," pasted on a smile and went back to wrapping the last gift I had to wrap. On the inside I was filled with such a sadness and disbelief at the sheer heartlessness, creepiness, etc of that woman.... Does she not realize her children are all adults, and it's healthy for them to have relationships and plans that aren't with her.... you know like, um, gee, with their spouse..... Oh wait the only one married is my H.....gee she almost has them all back to super enmeshed, co-dependent,yes mommy robots.

Before leaving H said good luck with the baby. I thanked him said I don't have to do anything, just be there to watch the other kids, and she may not have it today. I think that may be his rationalization for why it's ok to leave me alone today... you know, I had to go to mommy's Heather may have to go watch someone else's kids... IDK, whatever lies he has to tell himself, I would have really hoped he would have started to grow up by now, but if nothing else at least have gotten half a clue.

After he left, I couldn't help it, I had a crying spell. The control that woman has on all of them is so sick.... and sad.... he has so many issues to work through with her, it looks like that isn't going to happen... she says jump, he says how high.... meanwhile I get pushed aside like useless garbage.... yea.... anyway, I will not let her ruin anymore of my Christmas. I just had to get that off of my chest. I need to go put the ham in the oven and then icing the birthday cake I made for Jesus (a family tradition I decided to keep). Oh and I would cook late, but I want to have dinner, and seeing as how there is no telling when that baby will arrive, I'm cooking early.... and you know what, let him eat leftovers, my food is waaaaay better than anything his mother cooks. One more thing he can miss when he leaves me.... for his mom, cause that's what I feel like is happening... (EW!!!)... LOL

beingme~ I really don't know why he wants to talk, I mean he said he was willing to try and work on our M, but I don't know what that means to him since he is very much still in denial that there is anything wrong and he still seems to think I am the source of all that is wrong in his world.

Also with his new found "close relationship" with his mother aka the puppet master, it's hard to tell where his head is at, but I'd say it's safe to say it's still NOT in reality....

At any rate, I really hope everyone has or is having a wonderful Christmas! You all deserve it that's for sure!!

[AJM]

H, something else to consider - his mom may think she's helping him. You don't really know what he told her, but typically when people go through this type of transition, they have a tendency to say awful things about their spouses. I'm not saying she's rational or not crazy and controlling. She very well could be. But she could also be thinking she is helping him if he said what a horrible person you are.

Regardless of the reason, it's his task to figure out and make right. He is the one that has to want to come back to the marriage. If he doesn't want to, or if he comes back too early, he won't make things right. And there are far worse things then them leaving - they might come back half-baked.

The good news is that if he figures it out, he'll be a better man for it. By 'it' I mean what the real issue is. It may be his mom, but it may be something else he needs to deal with and has put off.
He got you a present and he accepted yours. That's not something somebody who is "done" does. He's still very conflicted from your description. About what is hard to say, but his mom is making it harder for him. If he told stories about you, he'll have to fix them with her and that can be a tough hill to climb for him. He knows it's not you. Be patient and calm. You're awesome and really smart. Hang in there.

Hope you have a Merry Christmas and that the baby comes today!

AJ

[hrm134]

Thank you AJ! You are absolutely right, I have no idea what he's said about me ( I keep forgetting that!), I'm just used to his mother being crazy/controlling LOL. I was feeling very vent-y (yeah, I created another word) this morning, but if I really think things through like a rational person, he has lied a lot, so of course he would be lying to his family too, and they would accept it as truth. Maybe I am just looking for someone to blame other than him, IDK.

I don't think it helps that right after I posted I got a text from his dad, it breaks my heart that he wants a relationship with them and they won't give him the time of day. At least I got to wish him a Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday. He asked for H's phone number but I told him I can't do that and apologized. His response, tell him to grow the hell up. I told him I would if I thought that would help, but it won't, this takes time, especially for someone who was already stubborn to begin with.

Anyway, Thank you again AJ, your post really helps, more than you know! Have a fantastic Christmas!

I will keep you all posted about the baby!