Some progress after 2+ months of DBing

[lionhrt]

Hi Wendylon,

Thought i would stop by and say thanks for the support. You look like you are doing well and try not to get too stressed re H not being home yet.

Have a good day tomorrow and all the best

[Wendylon]

Thank you very much, rkyfat.

He's back. I've heard him and can tell by his loud voice that he's had a few drinks. He called up and asked if we'd eaten. Of course, we've eaten! He went down and ate by himself. I haven't seen him yet.

It makes me nervous. I'm up tight about him drinking, he knows it and he spoils for a fight when he has had a few drinks so the whole situation is a recipe for disaster.

For the time being, I've been keeping myself busy doing the Xmas stockings, etc.. but I have a tight feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm not sure I can DB if I see him right now so I'll wait for him to seek me out (if he does).

[Wendylon]

H came upstairs trying to be friendly and said he was tired enough to go straight to bed. I suggested he do that and he's snoring away. I hate his addictive personality. It's alcohol at the moment but it could be anything. I don't think it's actually the alcohol itself. Anyway, I'm pretty sure it's not an OW at the moment.

I'm feeling resentful that he pretty much had zilch to do with kids' presents. He did drop both S17 off and D15 off at some point today so that they could do their Xmas shopping. That's it though. I remember that he did the same thing last Xmas eve. Maybe I should bring it up before next Xmas eve.

I'm sure that tomorrow morning he will ask me if I'm all right (as if I have a problem and have been doing weird things). It's his way of finding out if I'm annoyed with him. The question often sounds innocent and genuine but if I say that I am a bit upset because of ..., he then gets angry at me and says that I'm impossible, etc...

[tori2012]

Wendylon, do you usually reply you're upset when he asks you if you're alright? If so, change things around. Maybe he wants you to ask him how he is. Maybe he's the one having a hard time.

You could tell him you would love it if you both worked on the Xmas presents. (For next year) But keep it positive.

Merry Christmas to you.

[Wendylon]

I re-read Sandi2's rules as soon as I got up this morning. I think it helped me just get on with Xmas.

No R talk so far. Xmas morning went well. S13 stayed around for present opening for first time ever. I feel tired but everyone in a good mood. I suggested that I not be captain of the family for one day. D15 didn't like the idea. H and S17 did. I'm being less directive and won't put on/initiate another Xmas meal today though the stuff is in the fridge if anyone else fancies initiating.

I might even have a little nap since I'm not directing the show...

[subguy]

I'm feeling resentful that he pretty much had zilch to do with kids' presents. He did drop both S17 off and D15 off at some point today so that they could do their Xmas shopping. That's it though. I remember that he did the same thing last Xmas eve. Maybe I should bring it up before next Xmas eve.

Whats the point of bringing up the fact that he [censored] at being a dad? Are you trying to control how he acts?? Everyone knows it, you do not have to point it out. Let him navigate his own relationship with the children. Remember, the only one you can control is you. Control yourself and have a great relationship with your kids and let him dig his own grave.

Good luck and Merry Christmas

[subguy]

Censored=suxx lol

[lionhrt]

Wendylon,

Don't be too hard on him re the kids xmas presents. Sad to say I used to be like that and it is one of my biggest regrets now we are S as I don't know if I will ever get chance to do xmas shopping with W again.

I am sure it will hit home with H in time and he may think with son special needs that it is an upsetting time of year too (I felt like that for a long time). It is so difficult to buy for our son with special needs and he does not really get xmas so going looking through all the toy stores etc got a bit depressing as our S would not play with a lot of them.

I did always help with cooking xmas dinner etc etc though.

Have a good day Wendylon

[mamabird]

Wendy,
Hope you had a wonderful Xmas despite the frustration.

I know how you feel being the "captain" of the family. It's a kind of thankless job. Some days I want to quit too! I have always done EVERYTHING for Christmas. Ok, I take that back: almost everything. I always buy all the presents for the kids, make calendars for the grandparents, get family photos ready, mail gifts to his grandmother, decorate the tree and the house, play Santa, and I wrap everything too. H barely takes an interest in any of it. He does get presents for his side of the family, and this year he went out and bought lights for the outside of the house and hung them up. A few years ago he took on the task of doing a family greeting card because it became too much for me after my son was born (his birthday is 12/6 so that is right in the middle of it). This year, he didn't do a card and I didn't say anything about it. So I understand the exhaustion and frustration all too well.

What makes it worse, for me, is that H didn't acknowledge ANY of it this year. Even my mom's 80+ YO BF said, "You're such a hard worker." But H's refusal to acknowledge or appreciate me cuts deep... it is one of the main complaints that I have, and ironically, it's so easy to change.

Wendy, what do you to for GAL besides your chilli hot chocolates? I'm feeling like you might need more GAL in your life.

Funny how you mentioned your H snoring away. Mine is snoring away too.. but it's 9:15 am. We all got up to open presents and now everyone is back in bed.

[Wendylon]

Thanks, Regretful. It's nice to know that I'm not the only mother/wife here who does the lion's share of Christmas (and everything else). I found it particularly galling when the kids would thank both of us for presents that he'd not even known about and yet he smiled back, lapping up their thanks. I also find it difficult hearing him say that Xmas was a great success this year without any acknowledgement of the fact that I pulled it off pretty much single-handedly (he made a bad dessert and bought us each a book).

He didn't drink yesterday but was already back at it today. He leapt at the opportunity of dropping S17 off at the sales and then obviously went to a wine bar or somewhere as he smelled of alcohol when he got back. He wasn't drunk but why can't he be straightforward and open. All this secretive behaviour is crazy-making for me.

It's on the tip of my tongue to say something about it. I want to ask him what happened to his resolution of a few weeks ago to drink only with food and company. As far as I can tell, he's back to drinking on his own without food. I still don't think there is an OW in the picture at the moment though.

He's mostly lukewarm with me, though can quite easily become a bit critical over not much. He fixed a light today and I gave him a hug to thank him.

I'm feeling unappreciated and unrecognised today. I know that talking to him when I feel like this NEVER leads to anything good. I'll just have to keep biting my tongue for now.