Changing Directions

[mamabird]

In the spirit of Christmas and going into a brand new year, I'd like to share a Gandhi quote that a friend of mine posted on FB:

Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words.

Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviors.

Keep your behaviors positive because your behaviors become your habits.

Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values.

Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.

Much love to all of you.

[Breakdown]

Regret, you have grown and gotten so much stronger over the last few months. This is goodness! The thing that is troublesome to me is that here lately, you seem to be using your resentment and anger to express that backbone. This is not the way.

Some of my comments on the laundry incident take into account the season, so consider that. You are 1 day away from what very well could be the last x-mas you have as a family....why not make it the very best it can be? Hell, throw that laundry in the fire, run thru the house singing, enjoy your children and show them how to enjoy life.

Your H is angry and scared. He sees you as the reason for his unhappiness (and I'm not so sure you aren't making the same mistake). Your decisions have forced him down a path he always thought would happen, but wished it wouldn't. So much of how he reacts around you is just his way of saying "I am hurt. I am sad." It took me a long time to figure that out for myself, but for a lot of years, all my meanness, all my negative behavior, it was all a message to my W. Recognize it. Be compassionate.

Do you feel like you have apologized for your mistakes (and I mean sincerely, in a way your H gets it)? Have you figured out why YOU made those decisions? Have you forgiven yourself? Have you asked for forgiveness? If the answer to these questions is yes, then I think when your H says something about you "cheating" (and clearly he has not forgiven you because it's still coming up), then you can address it calmly, with confidence. "We've both made a lot of mistakes. I have accepted responsibility for mine and apologized." End of discussion. He will likely go on offense because he doesn't know what else to do....but you have to not let yourself be drawn into it.

I really really hope you make the best of the next couple of days. I hope you can find some happiness and live in the moment as best you can. Have the Merriest Christmas possible!

[JuneReN]

Lol! You did the hard work and nailed it on the head. You called him an azzhole, he was gratified that you were still the person he could blame and dislike. You made it awful easy.

This is not an easy situation and I do not know if I would have anymore grace than you. It is super easy for us to detach and see it clearly, we are not in the sitch ( with the super deluxe air mattress...you made me spit out my coffee...I needed that and needed to see your sense of humour

But take our view from afar and see what you can do with it. It is because we are not you that we can offer this. Stop giving him what he wants all the time, which is your reaction. This will escalate, especially when you do not react to the increasingly hostile remarks. Hopefully he will leave, but I think this is going to get worse before it gets better. Hope I am wrong and he just gives up remarks when you no longer bite.

Emotional abuse hurts just as much and I know that I did serious damage to my H. No name calling etc., just made him feel second best and I saw a pic of him on someone else's Facebook and his face was full of joy and he was laughing.

I have not seen that man, as he was in that picture, in a long time and it kills me to think that I caused that. So I offer to you advice from the other side, because I know how to use words to hurt and that is why you cannot engage. That is where the satisfaction for someone like him and like me comes in. Because then we know you hurt as much as we do.

[FloydMan]

Ruby your words here are so true. RLA, this is what we both need to hear. The emotional abuse is crazy...I am living it everyday. Let's try togethr not to react...I know I have a hard time with it and get drawn into it.

[Wendylon]

Hi Regretful,

As I keep saying, your sitch seems to change so quickly. I know how fed up you are with your H. It's as if you've been starved in your R for years and I'm not surprised that you're needing to do something different.

I can also understand your H's annoyance with you folding laundry though. He had made it really clear that he wanted to leave by 11 and it sounds as if you didn't take that seriously. I'm like that when I get stressed in that I really want people to be ready to leave when we are meant to leave. I would be really annoyed if my H showed signs of not being ready at 11 if I'd made it clear that that was when I wanted us to leave. Even you saying that you would 'try to be ready' would be enough to set me off.

While in most of the instances that you relate I can see why you're upset, in this one, I can see why he is. I hope you don't think that I'm having a go at you because that's not my intention. It's just how I see it from my perspective. It nearly sounds as if you had already decided not to be ready by 11. It looks like a power struggle.

You say that you are ready to move on and yet you seem very caught up in him being wrong. I'd somehow expect that to be less the case as you detach, but maybe the feelings of wanting to move on and him being wrong strengthen each other.

I hope you manage to have as good a Christmas as possible, Regretful. I'm sure you won't end up being single so you definitely don't need to stay with your H for that reason. I'm not sure though that any R will in itself be the source of happiness. I'm sure you know that too. Hang in there.

[FloydMan]

RLA,
Wendylon makes some good points. My W is always late for everything. It has driven me nuts over the years and one can take it as passive-aggressive behavior. I am not saying that is your intent, but that is be how it is perceived. 2 of our therapists tried to explain this to my W. She was even late for 1/2 the sessions. But it is a chronic issue with my W that goes on well before me. You and I are in power struggles. Let's you and I be bigger than that.
Wendylon, your point about wanting to move on but caught up in S being wrong. I get that all too well, but the other way around in my sitch.
RLA and Wendylon, enjoy the Christmas and keep the peace. You are both good people.

[mamabird]

You all are good people - all of you here on this thread, and on this board. You are caring, you are smart, you are kind and you are thoughtful. I don't know you in the flesh, but I know this to be true because I've felt it and experienced it right here. You have all made a big difference in my life and I don't know where I'd be without your support. I wish all of you all the best at Christmas and always.

Sigh. I see it now. I see how my unwillingness to commit to "Yes, I promise to be ready at 11" was passive-aggressive. In a way, I didn't want to commit because I also tend to run late, so if I wasn't ready, then I'd break the commitment and I would be "punished" (which is what happened on the "closet night"). And I felt he was being controlling by setting such a rigid rule, and I didn't want to be controlled.

Christmas Eve was pleasant. We went to my mother's and mom's BF's 2 daughters, SIL and granddaughter joined us. Usually it is my MIL and her partner, and - hate to say this - they are pretty boring, so this crowd was a welcome change. Actually it was a lovely evening.

I wondered if H maybe had softened up a bit, so I grabbed his hand on a whim during the drive up. He made a face and said, "No thank you", so I immediately stopped and that was that. We didn't talk much during the evening or the drive home. I felt pretty unappreciated as usual, but I've quietly factored that in now, and have come to expect it. On the flip side, I can clearly see how wrong that is.

Spending some time now reviewing my old journal - back from the OM1 days. This was nearly 4 years ago now, but my issues w H haven't changed. I am reviewing it for my own sanity, basically - to remind myself that I have been unhappy for a really long time, to revisit the conversations we've had, to bolster my confidence in my decision that we need to separate. To make myself feel like I'm not nuts. And to remind myself that I can feel safe, heard and loved.

[Breakdown]

Sigh. I see it now. I see how my unwillingness to commit to "Yes, I promise to be ready at 11" was passive-aggressive. Actually it was a lovely evening.

This is great! You can only control you, and just because someone is an ass to you, or an ass in general doesn't mean you have to behave in a reactionary way.

I wondered if H maybe had softened up a bit, so I grabbed his hand on a whim during the drive up. He made a face and said, "No thank you", so I immediately stopped and that was that.

That is really crappy, but I guess expected at this point. I would expect H to behave as most WAS at this point and he'll likely continue to treat you bad in an effort to make you show him why leaving is the right path. Recognize it and refuse to feed it.

Spending some time now reviewing my old journal - back from the OM1 days. This was nearly 4 years ago now, but my issues w H haven't changed.

I think this is a good idea. I also recommend reading your threads here and re-reading DR. As your state of mind changes, I find that I see different things in DR.

I'm glad you enjoyed your evening...keep it going!

[JuneReN]

Regretful, I am so glad you are doing the hard work and I admire you for it. You are being heard, you are worthy and you are loved. All of us on this board hear you every day. We hear what you say, what you are trying to say and what you leave unsaid.

So, if we can hear you, so can others. You leave a lot unsaid when you speak out of anger and frustration,but we have all been there so we recognize it and we challenge you to say what you really meant.

When you called husband azzhole, you meant to say, "I feel you do not value my opinions and my priorities and it makes me either ignore what you want or lash out. I am going to explain next time something is important to me and why and you can say why it is important to you (to leave exactly at 11) and hopefully we can compromise"

I mean, in a perfect world, hard conversation and probably wouldn't go well at first, but maybe you could say why laundry was important, enlist kids help, ask H to help etc. if they don't fine...but my H is also passive aggressive and I am more let it all out then "So, what do you guys want for supper...?"

All I know is that kind of P.A. behaviour tends to build up inside and make the next confrontation worse...

Regretful, you done good

[mamabird]

When you called husband azzhole, you meant to say, "I feel you do not value my opinions and my priorities and it makes me either ignore what you want or lash out. I am going to explain next time something is important to me and why and you can say why it is important to you (to leave exactly at 11) and hopefully we can compromise"

Ah, Ruby. I wish I were anywhere near that place right now. I tried to be... maybe I'll get it back over the next few days.

Finding myself a little sad this am, as is to be expected, and reminding myself that it is much better to give than receive. I know that sounds like I am focused on "gifts", which I really am not, but I feel so empty most of the time.

The boys were thrilled that Santa came - we opened presents together and it was fun. They made a big deal about how "mom didn't get anything in her stocking" and I made a comment about how "Santa always forgets me" which I probably shouldn't have made. I put a DVD in H's stocking, which I got free from work. It was Chris Nolan's first movie and H was pretty excited about it actually. Last year, H put an iPod touch in my stocking but then said that it wasn't for me, it was for our house's sound system. That was super hurtful. (I made him take the iPod back.)

The other thing that happened - I opened some jewelry from my sister and I was kind of taken aback because it seemed pretty junky (silver colored plastic kind of thing). H said, "Let me capture that expression on your face" and took a photo of me.

Last night, H gave me some perfume. It wasn't the perfume that I wanted because the one I wanted has been discontinued. He told me that upfront and asked me if there was something else I wanted. He actually got me some very nice perfume instead, and I just went on some perfume website and got me a big a$$ bottle of the one I really wanted for $30. I have one more gift for him which I will give to him at his parents' house this afternoon but I doubt he has anything else for me. Usually, he hides his gifts and brings them out at the last minute, but I'm certainly not expecting anything else. Still and all, I'm grateful for the gift that I got, because he didn't have to do that, especially in the current "climate."

Now I'm hungry and wishing that H would make me breakfast, but he appears to be asleep, so I guess I'll end up making HIM breakfast, even though I don't want to. But if I make bacon and eggs and don't ask him if he wants any, then I'm repeating more of old behavior.

I also recommend reading your threads here and re-reading DR. As your state of mind changes, I find that I see different things in DR.

Good idea. Would love to internalize how far I have come...