Struggling today. Can-the-holidays-be-over kind of mood.
My H texted Merry Christmas along with a request to activate his new credit card. Somehow this made me angry--like I wish he hadn't even acknowledged the holiday instead of sending a lame text, but I replied that I had activated the card and now he could buy me the paddleboard I wanted. He texted a smiley face back. I forced myself to practice DB. I don't feel good about it. I feel fake.
Anyway, sending best wishes for a better next year to you all.
Thank you, Wendylon, for being there for me today (((((((())))))))
I guess my DBing paid off, bc my H just called to say hello. We just talked about what we've been up to. He seemed bored...was doing laundry. I did what the coach said and asked him to join me to watch Les Mis tomorrow. He said "that's okay" meaning, thanks but no thanks. The coach said to respond positively to rejection so I said, "okay, no problem! Have fun doing whatever you're doing tomorrow!" More acting. But I'm getting better at it. He then asked if he could come over next week. First he said, "I'll stop by on Friday at 5." I said, "let me check my calendar. I'm not sure I'm available." And I wasn't. Then he asked a couple other options and I was busy too. He was so used to me changing my plans for him. He then said he would make a special trip to see me bc apparently coming over when it was convenient for him (he would be in the area) didn't work with my schedule. Thank goodness for my GALing :-) I'm just catching up with work and avoiding thoughts about the holiday. We all deserve a great new year!
You are very welcome, Tori. (((((((((( )))))))))))
You are doing fantastically. I'm particularly impressed that you were able to respond positively to rejection. That sounds like ninja level DBing! Even if it is an act, it's still REALLY hard to do. I bet you it will get easier now that you're starting to act with some consistency.
What is the specific purpose of him stopping by next week? That's great that he's having to make a special trip.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Wendylon, thank you again. Yes, it's hard to do...but like everything, it will get better with consistency.
He only wanted to stop by to visit. The whole friendship thing.
And he just called to say he's lonely and to ask if he could come over. I'm with my mom. I said okay. He's on his way. We'll see how it goes---he hasn't seen my mom in like 8 months!
Thank you, Wendylon and TGirl! My H just left. Very unexpected to end up spending time with him today. The visit went well. I told my mom about the DB rules so she would moderate her enthusiasm (my mom is very dramatic.) Mom disagreed with the DB strategies, but she did it anyway (thank goodness!) He brought his own dinner and I sat with him while he ate it (Mom and I had already had dinner.) Then, I played a movie I had rented earlier today...very funny. With Sandra Bullock. I laughed so much. He did too. He kept shooting glances at me and would look away when I noticed. I kept repeating myself to not make anything out of this, and thought about you guys...and the fact that he has no clue what an important part of my life you all are.
After my mom left, I noticed he wanted to say something (I'm very good at reading body language.) I said, "what?" He told me he was trying to find the right words. That he didn't want me to make out too little or too much of his visit. That he wanted to say thank you for having him and that it was nice being with me. I said to live in the moment (thinking of what the coach said about conveying that I was ok with the uncertainty.) He said, "right on! I wasn't sure about coming over, but I asked myself what I really wanted to do, and I did it, like Anita Morjani said." He's been listening to the audio book and apparently enjoying it. Of course that later he pulled out the "Anita Morjani said culture is not real, so why can we not touch each other if it's bc of culture?" I said he wasn't going to get away with that one. Kept the boundaries going. Only allowed hugging and hand holding. Oh, and we cuddled on the couch for a while after the movie. Yes, he tested my limits again, but this time it was easier to manage. I hope I didn't set the limits too loose (i.e. cuddling.) I think it's fine. They talk about the oxytocin being released with contact like that, so who knows :-)
He was kind to my mom, too. Big change. Before he moved out, he was being so nasty, and said he could not stand my mom for more than 30 minutes. That hurt a lot. But tonight he was polite and called her Mom, which is what she wants. On his Xmas card to her, he said, "You will always be my Mom." He's earned some W points (or STBXW points--ugh.)
So I am telling myself that I will continue this until it doesn't feel right anymore. I think every contact improves our R but I'm afraid not to the point that it'll stop the D :-(
So I'm just curious if he wants back, will you take him as he is or what???? Whats next for you? Are you expecting a certain outcome now? Are you attaching to him again?
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Thank you for stopping by, Subguy! Good questions. I love him as he is, but our M cannot work if he behaves the same way he's behaved all these years. He never really prioritized our M, and that would have to change. He would have to learn how to give, how to compromise. He needs to learn about what really matters in life. So if your Q is, would I just jump back into my M, my answer is no. I think I might've asked the same Q to Ruby, and she said she would take things slowly. I feel the same way.
It is true that, when on DB mode, we are focusing on ourselves, but our S's will have to also do their work (eventually) for the M to survive.
I still see him wanting to finalize the D. As I said before (thanks to Anita Morjani) I won't fight it anymore. Will just let it be. She says that if you let something negative "be" sometimes it'll dissolve in its own weakness. Do I hope this happens? Yes.
Attachment? I've always gotten an F in this subject. Haven't been able to detach. I've done a ton of GALing, and I do take care of myself, and I'm a much better person than I used to be, but I still think about him all the time and love him the same. I still feel happy when I talk to him and sad when he leaves. I miss him every day. I know I need to work on this, esp with the D coming up. Don't even want to think about it bc my stomach feels all tight and heavy, and fear starts to creep in.
