My letter to W this morning (in repy to one from her... I let her initiate) *******
I do understand. I understand very well, and this may surprise you... but I agree. I have forgiven you for everything and I thank you. You have forgiveness issues... I have trust issues. I have no earthly idea how I'm going to over come that. THAT will take a long long time to heal. I hate the fact that I question everything you say... I hope that some day you can trust me enough to talk to me and I can trust you enough to listen. I hope YOU understand that. I'm not accusing you of lying about anything now... but the fact that I can't just accept what you say on face value really eats at me. It feeds my fear, it feeds my insecurity, it feeds my evil twin brother, and that feeds your fear and it's a vicious cycle.
Now, that said... what I wanted to tell you this morning is this... when I was at my low spot, when I was laying there in floor of the shop, and the night D20 sent me that hateful text, I'm very glad you did not show me any pity. I know it sounds weird... but if you had shown me any kindness then, we would be off in a completely wrong direction. I had to stand up on my own, and so in a weird way... thank you for not being too kind.
You know, I do understand when you say "you can't make us work" - I know. I do understand. I'm not angry over it... I'm actually thankful for it. I don't want you right now, frankly. I don't want someone that I question at every turn. I don't want someone that doesn't know how to forgive. Now, that doesn't mean I don't WANT YOU. That means that I don't want you any more than you want that guy who couldn't pick himself up off the floor.
I've picked myself up off the floor - can you?
I don't want this to sound too harsh or negative, that's not my intention. I want to thank you for not being kind. I want to thank you for asking for a seperation. I want to thank you for making me realize that I was a dependant p-whipped little b.... I need to fix that. Not for you... but for myself.
I also hope you don't take this as I'm giving up hope. Quite the opposite. I have more hope sitting here right now than I have had a long time. I have HOPE because my hope doesn't depend on you. I have hope because I know where I am going. I know what God whispered to me in the quiet of the night, and I'm going to stand on it. Where you go or what you do is up to you. I think you're an amazing woman. I think you're an amazing mom. I think you have the most AMAZING blue eyes that I've ever seen in my life and nothing in the world would make me happier than spending my life getting lost in their beautiful blue eyes. I KNOW your heart probably better than YOU do and it's a beautfiful thing - if you would only rid yourself of all the negative bullshit you've filled it with (lies, unforgiveness, hardness), and I think it would be awesome to grown old with you and continue that 99% streak we have...
... but I don't need you. If you can't... or won't... do it, I'll be okay.
