The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )

[JuneReN]

Well it's now officially Christmas day. I can't sleep.
I just received a message from H " Merry Xmas I hope you enjoy the kids tomorrow. "
I replied "Merry Christmas to you too. This is not how I wanted it, H."

His trying to make me feel bad? Feel guilty? Well I do feel bad and guilty,.,. For my children. This is no picnic in the park for me!
Just had to vent.

Merry Christmas SS...(())) from Canada. Don't engage...a simple "I will enjoy Merry Christmas to you too!" would suffice and then come here and post what you really want to say" SOmetimes I like to sing "50 ways to die" by Train and "Karma" by I think Cher Lloyd. Check out the Train video on Youtube, guarantee it'll crack you up!

((())))

[tori2012]

Ruby, you're funny. I needed to smile, so thank you! :-)
It was hard for me to not show my anger through my text back to my H. Soon the holidays will be over.

Hang in there, SS. (((((((())))))))

[Valeska19]

SS,
I'm am soo sorry Christmas is this rough for you. I remember being a wreck the 1st year - all I can say is it DOES get better.

Honey - I know you are hurting and this isn't what you want life to be...but you have to get control of your actions and what triggers you.

Contact with your H triggers your emotional rollercoaster. If you can't stop the rollercoaster (which makes sense) you need to learn to control the interactions with him...

.. which may very well mean NO CONTACT unless about your children.

because the truth is - it would have been a lose/lose situation for him. If he would have not txted you - you would have been upset as well....

... so understanding that your reaction would have been the same NO MATTER WHAT - means the work is within you.

You've set yourself some pretty solid boundaries. You don't want to be friends with your H. You've defriended him on facebook. Eventually you will not respond to any txts or phonecalls unless it's about your kids.

Those are hard lines and he will cross them You will have temp - checking, the anger burst, etc....

.... and it will be challenging to uphold them. But you have to remember that these boundaries are for YOU.

Because in all honesty - you are not in an emotional place to show love towards your H. And that's totally okay.

You need to love yourself now.. and although I wish it was all - show yourself grace, allow yourself anger... etc.... it also means... saying "I'm not going to put myself in these situations because it hurts me... now matter how much I want to".

After 2 years.. I still get angry at myself that I can't be in certain situations or do certain things.. but they are triggers for me and until my heart is healed (which I have faith it will) I need to protect myself.

((( )))

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks everyone. Ruby, he said I'm not getting them back until the following day. There's no legal documentation, however H wouldn't be able to handle them full time. If I had doubts, I would proceed with the legal side.
There was just the one message each, that's it. I will have to check out the train video.
I'm trying Tori, I really am.
Val, I don't really think I would have been upset to not receive anything. I'm pretty sure he spent Christmas Eve/ morning with OW and her Children. I think at this point the least contact the better, for all of us. I do know I have a lot of work to do on me. I found an awesome article lastnight on our emotions and the effects on suppressing them and ways to release them.
It's hard feeling them but I think it's the right way. I'll post it here later.
Your post really got me thinking, that's what I need right now, to internalize and work through it all. Thank you.

Journaling:
Lastnight I sad, sad and upset but once I started setting up the pressents, I must admit, it was kinda fun. H or no H, being Santa is fun.
It was a little Lonley bit still okay.
This morning was different and still a little sad but it was still good! The kids were wrapped. It was pretty good, even without H there.
It's kinda errie how when it came to it, it wasent all that much different, without him there. Sad but not devestating.

So after that, we went to my brothers house to exchange pressents, from there to a family gathering. It wasent too bad, until H came to pick up the kids.

He got here and called from out the front. the kids were saying buy to people and a bunch of my family went out to wish him a merry Christmas. i guess they all miss him too. They came back in and He opened his card and pressents from the kids. He cried, I cried, in the middle of the street, with the kids in the car.
We both tried to hold them back but they were still there


Gotta go

[Soul.Searching]

The kids were saying bye, not buy lol. That was on my phone and I was still out, I was interrupted by family giving my R talks.

So anyway, we both cried, they left and I was sad. I sad in the car for a bit crying and trying to compose myself. People kept asking me if I was okay, which kept making me nearly cry. I was sad but had this tiny bit of peace at the same time.

H said he cried himself to sleep lastnight. It had to have been hard on him too.
So he only had the kids for maybe three hours, then he brought them back. I asked him how his family was and he said he didn't know, he didn't talk to them.
I said didn't you take the kids to the party. He said he did but he didn't really talk to anyone. Hmmm, so he is pushing his family away too???

He also brought back all the kids pressents. I asked him what about toys for his house (His Mums house.) and he said he will have to buy them toys. Hmm okay, makes sense. I'm not complaining, it's just hard to comprehend.

When he was picking the kids up, after we both cried, he did cuddle me a few times. Yes I cuddled him back. He was dressed in a new shirt, which is very common these days but the shirt was a totally different style.
He has lost a lot if weight, he looks too skinny now. He smelled different, he cuddled me different.
It was strange. Like familiar but not at the same time. His a different person now.
I felt sorry for him. I don't think it's something I will ever understand.
I know it hurts him and every time I see him, I'm so sure he still loves me.
The way he looks at me, I don't know. I could be wrong bit I sure feel like he does. One of life's mysteries I guess.

My kids ended up with so much stuff, my house is still a huge mess. There's stuff all over the place.

I'm exhausted. Physically, emotionally, mentally.
All In all, it was better than what I had antisipated. Sad but still had good points.
A good learning curve too. I can do this.

[JuneReN]

I'm exhausted. Physically, emotionally, mentally.
All In all, it was better than what I had antisipated. Sad but still had good points.
A good learning curve too. I can do this.

Me too. H hasn't picked kids up yet, so hopefully it will go okay today

[bustingout]

Yes you can do this SS. We can do it. Its not what we want, but its what we have. And we will do better for it.

Thinking of you ((((((( ))))))

[Soul.Searching]

I'm starting to realize just how toxic our relationship was.
I had no trust for H. Well I thought I could trust him with the big things like cheating but it turns out I was wrong.
I couldn't rely on him. He would ditch me and our plans when ever it suited him.
It felt like me and the children were always second to his friends.
He spent money like his life depended on it.
He wasent really there for me on an emotional level much.

I was 16 when we started dating. It was all I had ever known really. He was my first long term relationship.

He disrespected me in public, with hurtful comments and I let him.
I was damaged. I should never have allowed him to treat me like that.

I do have occasional doubts about my decision but these are done if the reasons, I don't want to let myself.

He kept calling me today. Wanted computer help. I did help him but it was like he wanted to keep me on the phone but i ended the calls. I didn't tell him I was working and had three missed calls at work. He didn't answer when I called back.

I don't want to get sucked back in. I don't want to be his " When there's nothing better to do" he asked what I was doing at one stage and I told him I was setting up stuff the kids got for Christmas. He sounded really depressed. I feel sorry for him.

I'm not so much sad today but have been reflecting a lot.
It is what it is. It was what is was.

I have a lot of work to do on me.

[labug]

Keep your boundaries, SS. You can do this.

google stosny surviving abuse you might find it helpful.

[Soul.Searching]

Well it's been another tragic day here. I know it's irrational but it feels as though H leaving set of this series of devistating events.
H left for a few days, came back
A family member passed away suddenly.
H left again.
Another family member passed away.
I seen my cat get hit by a car and run down a drain to die.
Another family member had a stroke and we have been told he won't recover.
Now today, I lost two dogs in one day! They were both sick and we knew they may have to get put down soon but they were improving.
One passed in a freak accident involving rope. The other just layed down and died. They were old and they are at peace now. Bless their souls.
It hurts. Seriously, what are the chances of that? It's just one thing after the other. I pray that it's over. I hope 2013 brings new beginnings and ends the series of devastation.
It's just so darn hard. I just don't understand all this, I really don't.