From Survivng to Thriving & backslides in between.

[AJM]

::Long post alert::

I can't tell you the number of times I was told that they act like roommates versus lovers or a real couple. They can't stand to be alone. If the op is not w/them, they will find someone else to do things w/them. They very seldom do things alone. They are just using each other..

Yep. Same here. I actually ran into the happy couple a while back at the movies. They almost sat in my lap! But it was very much like Snodderly describes - like roommates or friends vs. a couple. There was a lot of tension long before they even got into the seats next to each other. If I'm honest about it, it was like a couple of co-workers. If I didn't know who it was, I would have sworn they were father and daughter.

I knew that from the beginning though. I saw how my ex first went after opposites (to me), then similar and then broken opposites when that didn't work out. She targeted men at the end of their marriages (or more accurately, having difficulties she then helped them to end them for several men.)

I also get accused of the manipulation and control. Even now. I get accusations and anger from her. Conflicting behaviors, incomplete sentences and then more accusations from her, sometimes late at night. I read that as her trying to figure herself out with me as a backdrop.

It's obvious she wasn't happy with herself or her decisions. She may have some sort of brief "happiness episodes", but it seems she isn't done "baking" yet. That made it harder on me. I posted a few times about how it's been harder that she left, but won't "leave". I've seen other divorced couples and how they do it, and it can be very different. Does kind of remind of me of Darius Rucker's 'All I Want' song

Recently my sister was diagnosed with brain cancer. That happened just after we buried my grandfather (like a father to me when my mom was sick and died when I was a teen) earlier this year. That leaves me to take over my grandmother's finances and much of her health care from across the country while also looking out for my sister and her family to some degree (my BIL is awesome and so are my nephews and niece). She had surgery for the one in her neck and is recovering, but there's more, right? My senior vp at work decided that he doesn't like me and my former manager is keeping his distance in it. The senior vp is taking steps to get me to leave. Since I have a stellar record he can't fire me yet. It's a personal thing with him for some reason.

After my ex found out about the funeral, she sent me a sympathy note as did her mom and her SIL. There was a time that would drive me crazy.

My son is struggling in school. Just before my ex got married to OM, I mentioned to her (via email) that it was time we consider co-parenting. She would have none of it and accused me of all kinds of other things. Cheating, being narcissistic, etc. and decided she wants to be a single parent. My daughter still doesn't talk to me because of ex and ex-MIL. (Ex MIL is one of those that needs to be plugged into the wall and shocked every 30 seconds until human )

I work 50-70 hours a week and have on-call responsibilities if something goes wrong. I have also returned to school, volunteer my time at Church as a board member and a teacher of middle school kids, and also with a local charity.

I may have over done the GAL advice Life happens.

What occurred to me during these last few months, and I mean really sunk in, is that I cannot continue to communicate with ex. I just don't have the bandwidth to communicate with her. It's something that while I care that she is ok, I just cannot help her in any way shape or form. I have enough information to know that I cannot tell her anything: She decided she doesn't trust me, that I'm a bi-polar narcissist, and that I have no shred of decency left. Ogre is the more popular term I believe

So I stopped responding. I dropped everything with her to focus on me and my life and my son's and gave up on the idea that we can co-parent in any way. That's been a relief actually. Know what has been happening? She has sent me an email of some sort (any excuse will do I guess) every week for the past 8+ weeks including informational and threatening as well as accusatory. It escalates.

It occurred to me a long time ago that it wasn't right that I had to be the one to leave her when she's the one that left me and the kids. But honestly, I can't be part of her life. I did try to co-parent with her. I tried many times and swallowed my pride to do it. But it's not because of her and her drama. It's because I just can't do it any longer for any reason. I've been "done" many times but looking back it's more like those were stages of doneness. Like rare, medium-rare, etc... it's a process.

And because of that, the emails don't bother me like they used to. I see them differently yet again. It used to be I saw them as her trying to hurt me and trying to stay "connected" in some way. They were in part, intended for that purpose. But I took it more personal than I would like to admit. I was more hurt than I should be at this point. That was earlier in the year. That was when I would allow her to try and manipulate and hurt. After getting to the point of not being able to care about things like that, I began to see something different.

I thought I was done. I wasn't, I was just healing. I had accepted, but was still hurt. I was functioning but not whole. I still have some healthy caution because she tries to reach into my life on a regular basis. But I see it very differently. I see her pain and hurt, but I also see her trying to figure herself out. I have compassion for her, but not any more than I do for a person that is not well known to me. Maybe more like an old friend that I've lost touch with. I care, but I don't have a direct involvement. I wish her well and I wish her the chance to heal herself and be forgiven but I don't have the capacity to watch or be involved.

I've learned a lot from this experience. I grieve for my grandfather and now my grandmother's pain. I grieve for my sisters struggle. I grieve for my own pain and that of my father at my sister's health issues. But I'm not unhappy. In fact, even with a full plate, I feel there is more to be done and a short time to do it. I am optimistic by nature and wake up happy every morning. I see balance. I don't see the evil of it, but rather I understand and accept that these things happen. I've always been that way since my mother died.

I look to some of the old-timer's in my life. My dad's step-dad. He's a good man and a great example of how to take care of yourself - he's 92 and runs daily, works out three times a week, and plays in a band. He's a very strong and optimistic man. My father, even with his health issues, is very optimistic and always has been. I come from a long line of optimists

Last story, since it's Christmas and Delboy reminded me of this story. My Aunt (no blood relation - Uncle's first wife), left my uncle when in their late thirties. That was about thirty years ago. She recently came to visit my sister with my uncle and dad's step dad. My sister related part of their conversation. A few years back (about 10?) my aunt and uncle started talking again. My aunt had gone through brain surgery to remove a tumor that affected her emotions. Go figure. She related to my uncle she thought that was what the issue was for her. They are both remarried for 25 years now. But they are very good friends now. That wasn't the case when she left. She related to my sister that although she is happy, she really suffered. She lost her first husband (my uncle), her family, her friends, her home, etc. It was devastating to her. Now.

Her's is a rare case in that there was a physical issue that contributed to her decisions. They were still hers and she knows that. And although happy, she has regrets and a lot of pain to deal with. My cousins have scars as well.

I had another uncle that his first wife did similar and he cheated on her before it was over. They never spoke again and the kids were never able to forgive him (Grandmother's brother).

My point? There's a lot going in life. Live it and don't miss out on things because of somebody else and their choices. We don't know the reasons why. We do know they are suffering as well, so have compassion. But don't get mired down in it, K. Realize you just can't fix it for them. You can't help. You also can't think that you're better than them because you didn't do the things they did. It could happen to you.

You can't wait for him to "wake up" - he may not. It could be a ton of years before your ex figures it out. Or he may never figure it out. As somebody once said, (M Go Blue I think) we'll continue to make the same mistakes until we learn the lessons we need to learn and become wholly human and mature. Even if you have to be part of their healing (heal yourself first right?), be strong and allow it if you can. Don't beat yourself up if you cannot. Don't allow them to intrude on your life and your sanity. That doesn't help anyone in the least.

Have a Merry Christmas, K. Try to let things go, relax, and enjoy the time of year and your kids. Analyzing these things with family can be helpful sometimes but be careful. Part of the healing to talk about it, but life is good and there is a lot to celebrate and a lot to build; don't spend too much time with it. And don't let thoughts of your ex or other people's hurt because of him, affect your good times.

Life is good. As we head into the new year (the mayans were wrong!) I'm grateful for my life and my experiences. I'm reminded that there are struggles and happy times. There always are and they help keep life interesting. We always need both to keep us balanced.

Lead by example and let your light shine, K. I have been rooting for you for a very long time and really appreciate your posts and the conversations. I feel I've found another sister on this journey. Snodderly's advice too

I wonder about Snodderly's screen name. Snodderly, what's the background on the name? Is there a story as to how you created it?


Peace,
AJ